I live in a unit in a collection of townhouses. One of the neighbouring units is occupied by a Pakistani family. The daughter, who is a lovely girl aged 5 or 6, has constantly mispronounced my name. As she is really gregarious she has taught all the other children her incorrect version of my name. I have corrected her a few times and when I get my mail in the evenings I let her look at it so that she can see that my name begins with a B not a P. None of this has worked so I just let it drop. I am happy enough that the neighbours kids can be bothered to talk to me.
Yeah.
Drop it.
Seriously, does this possibly diminish you as a woman somehow. . .that a couple of old folks who were raised in a different era have an old school way of addressing you.
I “had to” ask my wife’s father’s permission to marry her, like as if he has some say in the matter. You roll your eyes, don’t make waves, and get on with it. For what reason do you want to fight battles like this?
Wait for something real to assert yourself over.
As someone who feels **exactly **the same way you do on this matter (seriously, I can get very worked up about it) and who apparently also has the same in-laws, my suggestion is…to drop it. They’ll either forget 99% of the time or won’t pay attention to you about it. I fixed the problem with my family by signing my first card, “Your daughter, HisName” and threatening to change my name to his legally if they didn’t stop, but my parents can handle smartassery. I also refuse to answer to telemarketers/pollsters/etc. who ask to speak with “Mrs. HisName LastName.” (Sorry, there’s no one here by that name.) But I didn’t even bother to fight it out with my in-laws. They’re like yours.
Hell, I even learned how to manage Christmas gifts with mine by using it as an oportunity to request much-needed kitchen supplies (we exchange lists), because getting things that “girls shouldn’t be interested in” like computer games…and books…is pretty much out of the question. And if I don’t want to get stuff I’d never use in a million years, like jewelry and knick-knacks, I have to tailor my list appropriately.
My mother in law insists on addressing mail to her own daughter as Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname. Wife objects to being reduced to a mere suffix 's", the rest being my name.
Mom listens, nods politely, and continues doing it her way because it’s “correct” she says. This has gone on for the 20+ years we’ve been married and will continue until the old gal’s gone.
Relax; your in-laws probably mean well, as does my MIL.
Look, you can’t win. Etiquette says they’re right, and if they haven’t bowed to your request before, they aren’t likely to ever do so.
Mrs. Firstname Lastname is traditionally for divorced ladies only- not for widows and certainly not for wives. My grandmother, for example is 90 and has been widowed for the last 25 years- yet she gets very upset if “official” letters are addressed to her as anything other than Mrs. Grandfather’sfirstname Lastname, she feels like people are snubbing her or disregarding their marriage by not addressing her properly- as the widow of a man she loved deeply.
If you don’t know better, you go with traditional etiquette and let the person alert you if they prefer a less traditional option, if they’ve corrected you and you still keep doing it…well, you have issues. Etiquette, aftr all is about making other people feel comfortable- if the person you’re writing to wants to be called Ms. Waterfaucet Starshine, that’s what you put on the letter, even if her name is Jane Smith.
So, be the bigger person, and let it go. They think they’re in the “right” and aren’t going to change- and it’s not the way they address their letters that show their disregard of you, it’s the fact that they refuse to take your preferences on board.
Give up.
I’ve asked a few times for both sides of my family to address things correctly, and they don’t. So I gave up.
They don’t remember and don’t really bother to try. If something official needs to be set up, it’s always done in his name because I guess it’s easier to remember!??!?!??
Once in a while I’ll get a phone call asking what my name should be on this document or another, I’ll spell it out, it usually will be correct or correct enough, then it will fall back to [Mynn Hislastname] for a while until they need to fiddle with some legal documents again.
Give up. I have after only five years.
Meanwhile, I’ve been dying for someone to send me something addressed to Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName; except for wedding invitations, it hasn’t happened in the 10 years we’ve been married. (I do get Ms. Caricci HisLastName - boring!) It took me 32 years to get married and I would be tickled if I got called that. Back when I was a whippersnapper I thought I’d be horrified at that, but things change and I learned that I’m still me whether I am addressed by a cute but antiquated title or not. I’d also love it if the students at the college where I work called us office ladies Mrs. Whatever, but that’s not part of the culture here, even for professors. Even my kid’s friends call me by my first name or “First Grade Caricci’s Mom”. It’s really a bizarre quirk that I have. I like to refer to myself as an office lady and I even dig “gal”. It just gives me a private chuckle, I guess.
Damn! Can’t I get a Mrs.?
Point taken, but to the best of my understanding of etiquette, it’s indeed the proper way to address envelopes to two people living together who do not share the same surname, regardless of relation. Gay/lesbian couples (with different surnames), roommates, unmarried straight couples, married couples with different surnames etc.; I write addresses that way for people I know in this situation.
I was quite peeved at a female friend who for about a year insisted on sending us letters addressed to “Mr. and Ms. MaidenName-HisLastName” when she knows full well that isn’t my husband’s surname. She was indeed doing it just to be irritating, but fortunately dropped it.
That’s another reason why just doing nothing - other than writing it the way you prefer, politely speaking up if introduced incorrectly to new people, etc. - might be the best move. If they’re doing it as a passive-aggressive act, you’re not rising to the bait. If they’re doing it out of a mistaken sense of etiquette while overlooking the primary rule that you wish to respect others’ feelings and make them comfortable (without your rights and happiness being run roughshod over, that is), then they will never see your point of view. If they’re just sieves-for-brains on the topic, another reminder won’t help.
Mm-hmm. I’m all for identifying people how they want to be identified, but I can’t get too worked up over this. This isn’t the women’s rights issue of the decade, there are baby girls being abandoned in rice fields, you know.
And I can kind of see their point. If you’re going to pick and choose your last name just because your father’s or mother’s last name is “goofy,” then isn’t it a little odd to demand to be called by whatever combination of names you wish? From their POV, it might be like you’re “stealing their name” (just thinking from the perspective of an old person here). You’ve already made one step into traditionality. You did give up part of your “self” fairly readily just because it’s hard to pronounce, so in their eyes, what’s a little more?
Yeah, it’s impolite and goes against etiquette, but cut them some slack. They’re old.
I’ve got to ask my mom if her mother does this to them, because I’m 30 (as of today) and she still addresses mail to me as Miss. I let it go, because I guess technically she’s right, it’s just that Miss makes me feel about eight years old.
If she does this to them, I’m going to have to deal with it myself one of these days, I suspect.
Out of curiousity, would it bother you as much if your in-laws had different views of the way women should behave once they’re married? I’m quite liberal when it comes to marital roles, but if I’m writing to both halves of a married couple, “Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName” seems to be one of the obvious ways to me. I admit “HisFirstName and HerFirstName HisLastName” is also a possibility, but that seems more informal to me and, if your in-laws are old-fashioned, it may well be too informal for them.
CJ
What would be wrong with Herfirstname and Hisfirstname Lastname?? I’m male and even I think most ‘traditional’ things are way to male-centered. Let the ladies go first for a change. 
Or, you can take it unopened to the post office and ask that they stamp it “undeliverable as addressed” (or something to that effect).
Ok, the OP has me on one train of thought:
“Didja get that THING I sent ya?”
Maybe they are so proud and delighted that their son has FINALLY gotten married, and they are so happy it’s YOU, that they want everyone to know that YOU are the one and only Mrs. Robert Jones. Not just Sally Jones, some random person, but The Woman And Wife Who Is Making Their Little Boy So Happy.
Other than that, it’s a traditional form of addressing envelopes and doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
(Who else finds this “Mrs. MyFirstName HisLastName” business incredibly hard to decipher? Just make up some names already.)
'Cause it’s missing a title. And formality wants a title (or two or three or four).
Which is what Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName is - it isn’t a name, it’s a title. Even if a woman keeps her name when she gets married, she picks up that title. And if something is formal enough to use titles, then that’s (historically) not an inappropriate title.
It’s how Marie-Christine Anna Agnes Hedwig Ida Freiin von Reibnitz grew up to become Princess Michael of Kent.
When we were first married my wife’s mother would use the salutation:
Dearest Girl and Voyager:
And yes she did like me. I thought it was funny.
I agree to let it drop. They’re following the rules of etiquette, and the OP should only get concerned when they address envelopes only to him. As it stands, it seems they are accepting of the marriage. Lots of people have worse problems.
Reminds me of a woman I knew whos MIL would introduce her to people as ‘My sons first wife’, while they were still married. I’d say you have it pretty good here.
I have to agree that letting it go is your best bet.
So far as I can see you haven’t specifically told them how you prefer to be addressed, right? So how do you expect them to know? They are using the traditionally accepted usage for a married couple where the wife has taken the husband’s last name. If you don’t like it, tell them. Call them up and say, “I know it’s traditional, but I really don’t like to be called Mrs. Sherman Schmedley. I’d really rather if you could just use my own first name, instead.”
Leave out the offensive stuff about them “giv[ing] up any sort of self and just be[ing] absorbed into their husband’s personality” and “dissapear[ing] into their husbands and giv[ing] up any desire to be a seperate entity.” They didn’t mean any offense in addressing you traditionally (again, if you haven’t told them, how are they supposed to know you don’t like it?) and it would be very rude of you to respond to their honest mistake with an insult.
Finally, if they wonder how to formally address you with your own first name, then tell them to use:
Ms. Shirley Schmedley
and Mr. Sherman Schmedley
Just get some return address labels made up with your names how you like them, and use them. If your in-laws are literate, they will see the label and understand that’s how you wish to be addressed. If they don’t get it, who cares?