For some reason, we keep getting cards and wedding gifts addressed to Dr. and Mrs. J, or to both our first names and only his last name. This surprises me because I am not now, nor will I ever be Mrs. J. I have absolutely no intention of changing my name legally, socially, or in any other way shape or form. And frankly, I find the presumption rather rude and annoying.
The idea of a woman keeping her birth name is not some difficult new concept, folks. It’s pretty fucking common, as a matter of fact. You’d think that the fact that nothing else about our relationship or wedding plans has ever been traditional might be a small hint that I’m not going the traditional route here either. Evidently not.
Now I realize some of you are apparently a little slow on the uptake, so I’ll go slow and try to keep it in words of one or two syllables and maybe you’ll get it this time: I was born crazycatlady, and I’ll die crazycatlady. My name is the one thing I’ve had since the day I was born, and I’m not giving it up.
If you should happen to forget my last name, please feel free to ask. Some of you have apparently also forgotten my first name or think I’ve changed it to Mrs., and I’m glad to refresh your memory on that, too. Or you can ask Dr.J. He’ll be glad to help you out. Please ask rather than assume.
Remember folks, there’s always an ass when you make an assumption.
Maybe not new, but not common either - I would have thought.
Let’s say for the sake of arugment that I am female (I am not) and married (not either) - I would fogrive people for assuming my last name is now his last name. Give people a break.
Depends on the type of assumption. There’s ones where you believe something to be true (those are the bad ones), there’s others where you are simply giving the ‘fact’ the benefit of the doubt (because the facts are not known, and there’s ones where you are assuming for the sake of argument.
Damn, I fucking always forget some important bit of information when I vent about something on a message board.
Most of the offenders have been told repeatedly that I’m not changing my name, and they always act surprised to hear it. Then, they choose to ignore the information. That, combined with the fact that they don’t bother to ask, is what pisses me off.
I found it somewhat thrilling to be addressed by my new name when I got married. I would have been somewhat disappointed if people had assumed I was keeping my maiden name and addressed me as such. I think it’s asking a lot to expect people just to know which way you’re going to go, and being insulted when they try the “traditional” convention is probably an over-reaction. When were they supposed to ask you? Many may be waiting on your written reply to see how you refer to yourself, and then they will follow your lead (that is what I would do).
Sorry CrazyCatLady, your last post wasn’t there when I began composing my reply. Obviously none of what I said applies if people have already been told.
dr_mom_mcl and dad_mcl (same last name) aren’t real sticklers for how they’re addressed.
Most common is Dr. mom_ and Mr. dad_mcl or vice-versa. A few old-fashioned people (e.g. my grandmother) address it to Mr. and Mrs. dad_mcl, and that’s fine too.
The limit, however, was when a church sent a request for money to Dr. and MRS. dad_mcl . (My dad has a B.A.) They don’t go to that church anymore.
Sometimes it works the other way, too. My wife (let’s call her Mrs. Smith) didn’t change her name when we married. People who know her but don’t know me often address me as Mr. Smith.
Having been married and divorced before, last time thru the courts, I took my maiden name back, and have continued to keep it.
Husband and I discussed this at some length, before we married, and agreed.
I usually introduce myself as Ms. YYYYY, and him as Mr. XXXXX.
However, given our age, there are some friends and relatives who are ‘from a different time’.
Out of respect for them, I just don’t make an issue of it.
Government entities are a whole nuther story. For Gawds sake, let’s not confuse them with too many facts.
Then, there are those who do well to remember even ONE name…
You think that’s bad? Try growing up in a 5-member household where NOBODY had the same last name. (Note: no actual last names here except mine.)
My older sister is from a previous marriage of my mothers. When my mom and my sis’s dad split, my mom reverted to her maiden name (Brown) but my sister kept her dad’s name (Franklin).
When my mom married my dad, she held on to her maiden name, but gave me my father’s last name (Berry).
Then my mom and dad divorced. Much later on, she met and married my stepfather (Lawrence) , but still retained her maiden name.
Then, a few years later, my cousin came to live with us. His last name is Howard.
We wound up with a answering machine message that said:
“You have reached the household of Robert Lawrence, Michelle Brown, Angela Franklin, Keith Berry, and Tom Howard.”
No one could make heads nor tail of this. School officials sometimes asked me why I wasn’t living with my family, often assuming that I lived in a foster home with orphans. And most invitations usually and X-mas cards usually arrived address to either “The Lawrence Family” or “The Brown Family”.
To make things worse, my sister has has kept her maiden name in her marriage, and they’ve split the kids names…the first kid got her husband’s last name, and the second got her last name.
Whichever option the parents decide on. Considering the number of divorces, remarriages, children born to couples not married, etc., there are many ways in which “different” surnaming options can be used. (This goes for trader_of_shots’ snarky comments too; perhaps you have a bone to pick with people with complicated Slavic surnames as well? Or what about the Hispanic countries where it’s normal to have a surname from both the mother’s and the father’s side? And I seem to remember from my Chinese literature class that even hundreds of years ago, Chinese women didn’t take the surname of their husband when they got married.)
My surname is hyphenated; I did this when I got married. I don’t make a big deal when older women sometimes prefer to be addressed as “Mrs. HisFirstName Lastname” (i.e., Mrs. Harold Jones), so I expect to be called by my preferred name as well. It’s only polite.
crazycatlady, some people will do this simply because it can’t seem to stick in their brain that you actually got used to being called by your surname for a couple decades or more. Politely correct them a couple times, then let it drop. Take the opportunity to write letters and cards, using your name addressed according to etiquette (Ms. FirstName crazycatlady / Mr. HisFirstName HisLastName - on separate lines). Look in etiquette books about “At Home” cards after your marriage, sent to let people know where the two of you are living - or these days, often what the couple prefer to be called. (Occasionally, the groom will change his name, after all.)
And of course, some people will call you the wrong name just to be jerks. I’ve found that not responding, or looking up and saying, “Oh? Where’s my mother-in-law?” are polite but pointed responses to this sort of treatment.
Hate to tell you, but the FIRST bit was pretty damn nasty as well. What business is it of ANYONE’S what a parent names their child, or what a woman’s last name is before, during or AFTER marriage? And frankly, if someone was to disrespect me or my family by deliberately calling me by the wrong name, I’d be just as annoyed as CrazyCatLady, no, I take that back, I’d be fucking PISSED OFF! As for the bra burning fools comment, that doesn’t even deserve mention. I’ll leave that idiocy alone. It’ll bite you in the ass soon enough.
My, my, did some foolish modern woman go and piss in our Post Toasties before trying to trap us into marrying her?
Neutron Star I’ve seen that in action with a few vets I’ve worked with over the years. One finally did change her name because she got sick of her husband walking into the clinic and being addressed as Mr. Rush.
The whole kid-naming thing is pretty irrelevant, as we’re not having kids. We just won’t even get started on the assumptions people make about that, since I’ve got to much to do for the wedding to waste time jumping up and down screaming and gnashing my teeth for a couple of hours.
Oh, and Crayons, I don’t care about the Mrs./Ms. thing. Never have, probably never will. Besides, it’s too much work for people to get the name right, much less the stinkin’ title.
I didn’t change my name, and the weirdest reaction I ever got were the handful of people (and it was only a handful) who said “And your husband’s ok with that?” Every time someone says this (and it’s rare), I am just flabergasted. I can’t imagene being marriedto a man that would get pissy about my taking his name. I am sure such people must exisit, but it just blows my mind, it is such a different attitude than what I am used to.
I changed my last name to my husband’s (easier to pronounce for people) but not my first name. So god knows why, but a lot of people insist on addressing us as Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. I fixed my mom from doing that by returning a holiday card signed, Your daughter, John, and threatening to have a legal name change if she ever did it again.
Mrs. John Smith used to be the proper way to address a married woman, as only a divorced (or widowed, I think) woman would be known as Mrs. Mary Smith. I think conventional etiquette still allows for Mr. and Mrs. John Smith to be used when addressing letters, but Miss Manners states that you should address people in the manner which they prefer.