Actually, DA, the usage Mr. & Mrs. John Smith is the traditional usage. “Mrs.” meant “the wife of” (more or less), and “Mrs. Sarah Smith” meant “the wife of Sarah Smith.” Divorcees used to sometimes use this construction, although the “correct” thing for a divorcee to do was to use the maiden and married names with “Mrs.”: Mrs. Jones Smith. A married woman, a widow, or (sometimes) a divorcee who was divorced against her will used Mrs. John Smith.
You can use whatever you want, of course, but being snarky to your mother for using the traditional form seems unwarranted.
My son is a hyphen of his dad and me. When I got married, I kept my name, but I occasionally use “Mrs. Kalhoun” when dealing with stupid losers on the phone. I had my credit card printed with his name, but I’m getting it changed back. It just bothers me that people think it’s NORMAL to dump your birth name and take on a new one. Not a chance!
Three of my sisters have been married, two of them kept their maiden name. Each of their kids have the husbands’ surname and “Olsen” as the middle name. When one recently divorced, their kid kept his name the way it is. The one who took her husband’s name is also divorced now but chose to not revert to her maiden name.
My husband took my last name when we married. That was 13 years ago and still some can’t manage to get it right. And I am not a Mrs. I am a Ms. Fortunately mail sent to Mrs. Johnson (my husband’s maiden name) never gets to me at all so they learned quick enough not to do that. So instead they call me Mrs. and for get my firstname or misspell that.
My children will have my last name. Seems fair to me since I was the only one in the houshold who cared enough about their name to not change it. Convenient too, as that is my husbands too, but it is not the name of their other genetic parent. She chose her last name as an adult and discarded her birthname entirely.
I just got back from checking my companion thread on this subject on the wedding board, and the responses are pretty interesting. A lot of these women really have their panties in a twist over it. I’ve been informed that I’m overly sensitive (show me a woman 3 days away from her wedding who isn’t!), that I’m a thankless cow and should shut up and be grateful that people think enough of us to send us stuff, and been criticized for my decision to keep my name.
It’s all really mild stuff by the standards here in the Pit, but we’re talking about Brideland, where “Well, if he beats you and injects your baby with heroin, maybe you should postpone the wedding,” is considered unsupportive. Actually, it’s got all the earmarks of a flamewar (by their standards) waiting to happen. Despite repeated requests by board members for people to stay on topic and play nice, we’ve already had a mod in there warning folks to behave. The way it’s going, the mods will have locked the thread by the wedding.
I just have to wonder why this particular grumble has gotten such visceral reactions from so many people. People post far more inane and far more controversial complaints on there all the time, and people for the most part behave. What is it about someone being annoyed about not being called by the right name that gets everyone so worked up?
Anybody got any insights? (I probably won’t get to read them before next week, since we’re leaving in the morning, but I will eventually check them out.)
I didn’t change my last name, and my husband wasn’t OK with it. We fought about it a lot. He insisted it was a matter of respect, so I insisted he show me respect and change his last name. He said he liked his last name. I said I liked mine. He said if I loved him, I’d change it. I said if he loved me, he would say such stupid shit like “if you love me you’ll…” Except the exchange wasn’t this civil.
And, IIRC, Anthracite was a witness to one of these fights…the whole thing was ugly and uncomfortable (for me anyway.) This all happened like, the day before the wedding, when we were both pretty much on edge.
We got over it though, and we never talk about it anymore. Maybe one day I’ll change it, but maybe not.
CrazyCatLady, my mother also kept her name. However, she has just learned to except people calling her Mrs. M, Ms.M, Mrs.F, Ms.F, Mrs.F-M, Ms.F-M.
BTW, do you prefer to be called Mrs.CrazyCatLady or Ms.CrazyCatLady? My mother just responds to both, and even she isn’t sure what the correct form of address for that is.
Congratulations, Crazycatlady, both for your upcoming marriage and for your recent acquisition of a nearly foolproof telemarketer detector.
See, my mom kept her maiden name when she got married. And I gradually learned that any time I answered a phone and someone asked for either Mr. Momslastname or Mrs. Dadslastname was someone I could hang up on with impunity. If you did’t know their proper names, you’re clearly not someone either of my parents needed to talk to.
Oh, I’ve already been fucking with the telemarketers for months. They call and ask for Dr.J and when I tell them he’s not home they invariably ask, “Is this Mrs. J?” It’s so much fun to chirp, “No it’s not. Can I take a message or help you wilth anything.” They NEVER want me take a message or help them with anything, and they usually flounder around a bit before they decide to just call back later.
Really, I don’t care about the Mrs./Ms. distinction. I might develop a preference later, but for right now I’ll be thrilled for people to quit calling me crazycatJ.
I have encouraged far more messing with the telemarketers than that. “Mrs. J? You mean there’s a Mrs. J? You mean that miserable son of a bitch is ALREADY MARRIED to SOMEBODY ELSE? Mother f…where’s my gun? Where’s my FUCKING GUN?!” (click)
For the record, not only do I not care about CrazyCatLady changing her name; I think I’d be a little freaked out by it. If she wanted to, I guess I’d be OK with it, but it just seems like asking her to give up a part of her individuality, and it’s that individuality that I fell in love with. I think I’d be more in favor of it if we planned to have kids, just for that whole “united front” feel, but it would still be entirely up to her as far as I’m concerned. It’s her name.
I kept my name and 12 years later my MIL still can’t spell it right. Mr P uses a name from a former marriage and there was no freaking way I was gonna change and he didn’t want me to either.
It is a foolproof way of screening for telemarketers because if they ask for Mrs so and so I just ask what they are selling. My name’s not listed in the phonebook.
Our first son had both names hyphenated on his birth and death certificates. By the time the second son was born, I was so thoroughly pissed off with his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend who had changed her name by deed poll to the same surname, I was not willing to hyphenate. We nearly got a divorce over it but I was adamant. His choices were to change his name to something acceptable without all the baggage and I’d change too or accept our kids were not bearing the same name as all the baggages from his past. P the Elder ended up having the name on his birth certificate.
By the time P the Younger came along, Mr P had relaxed to the point that he forgot to put his name on the birth certificate when he registered the certificate.
Trader of shots, you’re an idiot.
“By the time P the Younger came along, Mr P had relaxed to the point that he forgot to put his name on the birth certificate when he registered the certificate.
Trader of shots, you’re an idiot.” … and you are a horrible person, who deserves all they get.
… and you are a horrible person, who deserves all they get.