My husband will be 78 later this year, and he has aged twenty years in the last two. Everything is giving him problems, but it’s the chronic pain from arthritis that’s the worst. He is never free of pain, and because of other health issues, is limited in medications and treatments, so he is always in pain.
He was always so active, and so it’s heartbreaking to see him as he is now.
I have to say this is one of the best things my parents ever did for us kids. They picked out and moved to a community where they could move from independent living to assisted care to full nursing when needed. They did it on their own so we never had to “force” them to leave their home. They inventoried and offered us any of their belongings they didn’t plan to move with them. My mom just decided she shouldn’t drive any more and voluntarily gave up her car. Please whatever you do remember this and do if for your kids.
My Mother-in-Law fought tooth and nail to try to stay in her home in Florida. It wasn’t until she fell and couldn’t get up for three days before we insisted and moved her (and she was mad as hell for about three years.) She couldn’t turn around to see when she was backing up but insisted she needed her Cadillac until we had to force her to give it up. It was miserable for all involved.
In my case, I fully confronted my own mortality. Bad, good and otherwise.
With mom and dad gone, I was the de facto grownup. I had to act like it, depend on my own internal resources and not run everything major by dad. Oh, I’d had lots o practice running my own life, but for big concerns, I’d always touch base with him.
He taught me well, I think he’d be happy with how I’ve handled life’s challenges.
Appreciate it. Talk to them as much as you can now. Write things down–little things that you think you will always remember–the way your dad smelled coming in from the garage when you were a kid, the way your mom always stirred her coffee exactly three times and then tap-tap-tapped the spoon on the cup and put it away. Don’t miss the chance to tell them how you feel, or the opportunity to talk to them, or send them a little something that reminded them of you.
I am only 27, and my dad is battling severe cancer that will probably take his life within the next year or two at the most. I would give anything to have more time with him–he is only in his 60s, just retired last year. It kills me that he is not going to be able to watch my kids grow up or enjoy the retirement he has worked so hard for. It kills me that my mom, his wife of thirty-plus years, is going to be left alone. I’m consumed with jealousy for my coworkers in their 40s and 50s with living parents and even grandparents. So what do you do? Just talk to them–tell them what you think–tell them how you feel. Enjoy that they are able to do it. Many of us are robbed of years or decades with our parents.
I’m dealing with the same thing now. My parents are in pretty good health considering they’re both 80, but statistically they aren’t likely to be around that much longer. I wouldn’t be surprised if they think about it less than my siblings and I do. It reminds me that I’m that much closer to my own old age. At 50, I still feel pretty good. I do have a few aches and pains that I didn’t before; recovery isn’t as fast as it used to be.
If you’re like me, poorly.
I’m having a hard time watching my parents get old. My mom is starting to get fussed easily – and she used to easily control a group of junior high school students. And my dad’s back problems have caused him to have to stop playing golf, which he loved. He’s also looking very thin and frail (though he’s never been overweight). I can tell that he’s not lost fat, but muscle mass. Fraility worries me – he’s a lifelong smoker, did two tours in Viet Nam (and was exposed to Agent Orange), and was a volunteer firefighter. Based on this, I’ve tried and failed to get him to have a spiral CT scan to check for cancer because he’s a very high risk.
I came to suggest this exact book. It is a lovely book, and it will make you cry, but it’s amazing and will give you ideas.
I know the answer, but its just way too harsh, so I won’t. I lost both parents within a few years of your father’s current age.
Look… umm… Love 'em while you’ve got 'em… 
Ageing gracefully? He’s doing it wrong; men should age disgracefully! 
My dad died at 59 after suffering from dementia most of his 50s, and being generally unhealthy from his 40s on. When I think about how little of his life was remotely enjoyable for him, it makes it very difficult to feel much if any grief for people who die in old age.
Of course I have sympathy for anyone who is suffering, like Whammo72’s dad’s blindness. But aside from that, we all die eventually. The overwhelming majority of people live decent lives and do the best they can. They have lots of good times and hopefully by the time they’re elderly they’ve learned to accept the bad times, whether they were caused by their own poor decisions or random chance.
I understand the impulse to be sad, but when I see someone die in their 80s or 90s all I can think is, boy, good for them. They got just about as much time out of life as anybody can. What more can you ask for short of turning into a tortoise or sequoia? And how can you mourn someone who lived a good, decent and long life?
I am lucky to still have both parents around, even though I’m 61. Dad was vigorous up to age 80 (he celebrated by renting a B&B near Antietam for the weekend and inviting all the kids and grandkids, and we went hiking together on the C&O towpath), but then Parkinson’s hit him, and it’s been a slow downhill ever since. He just turned 90, and needs help to get from a chair to his wheelchair and back. Fortunately, his mind is as sharp as ever, and he is handling his physical deterioration with far more grace and good humor than I would have expected. He has said this is the last birthday he expects to be around for, given the way his body is failing,
My mother will turn 90 late next year, and she still gets up and down the two flights of stairs in her townhouse. (My parents split up about 40 years ago.) The flip side is that her short-term memory is gone, which reduces most conversations to a pretty trivial level.
I’m trying to see as much of my dad as I can because I know the time will come soon enough that I won’t be able to, and for all practical purposes, I’ve really said goodbye to my mom already, even though she’ll probably be around for years yet.
So yeah, getting old sucks; the main question is, how long can you postpone the suckitude? I plan on postponing it for at least as long as my dad did, because I love this life, and besides, the Firebug will need me for quite some time yet. But chances are the suckitude will catch up with me eventually, one way or another.
I want to thank everyone for responding.
I feel much better today and lucky to have both my parents. I love them dearly.
Yesterday it just hit me hard for some reason.
Thank you.
I haven’t seen any real practical advice yet: maybe this was intended to be about feelings and acceptance?
I was born when both my parents were 46. When I was 30 I got the call that Mom probably had terminal cancer and could we please move back close to home. Two years later she died at Christmas. Then Dad had a stroke. Then in rehab we learned he probably had Alzheimers and she had handled all their business until ~3 months before she died.
Find an attorney that specializes in aging issues. One big piece of advice we got first was that since Dad’s house and small acreage were contiguous we didn’t have to sell pieces off to make him poorer and poorer until he would finally receive assistance.
Get a power of attorney for both parents. NOW. Mom had set this up for both of them at about age 70. Dad was still aware enough to agree to certain items regarding settling Mom’s estate and social security.
Get notarized resusitantion or end-of-life documents in place. Without these a hospital may try to keep a body alive and in treatment as long as po$$ible.
Withdraw money from their accounts as you can legally. Set aside in accounts that you have control of. There may come a time you’ll need cash in a hurry and if the bank finds out they have passed the account is locked.
Get at least the contact information and account numbers of all the utilities and insurance companies (health, property, life) to know that these accounts are current or that you have a chance to fix things if a payment is missed, etc.
Always remember that even if they get slower mentality their personality, older memories, and practical knowledge are probably still there.
And that’s just a start…
Nefario has covered most of it but do speak to them about setting up a guardianship. Be very careful indeed about withdrawing their money.
My mother and I are on each others’ bank accounts. My mom is widowed, and I’m single. If I need someone to take care of my stuff when I can’t, she’s it. If she needs someone, I’m it.
We also have a pet-care agreement. If something happens to me, she’ll look after my cats (even the horrible one who doesn’t really like her). If something happens to her, I’ll take her cat(s).
I’m sorry, Whammo72. My parents aren’t that old, but they’ve both been in poor health just about all of my life and it’s only gotten worse in the past few years, so I don’t expect either of them to make it to their 80s; I’m moderately hopeful they’ll make it to their 70s, but it’s worrisome. How to feel about it all is complicated, though, isn’t it? I feel torn between feeling like I’m being a bad person and being practical for having thought a lot about who would do better if they die second after 40+ years of marriage:(