Besides, I’m not saying you should bang every guy you meet in a bar at 3 am. All I’m saying is that 6-12 months just seems like a really long time to me. I would think you would know right away if you want to sleep with the person and then maybe a month at most before you got to know them well enough that they aren’t just out for a good time.
On an unrelated note more relevant to the OP, some guys, especially the more ambitious types don’t really care if a woman is a “gold-digger”. They just want a hot piece of ass on their arm as a trophy and don’t really care why she’s there. A lot of them don’t have much else going on other than their money anyway - they work long hours, their personality sucks (a combination of always stressed and too focused on their career to the point of being a self centered bore), working long hours doesn’t do much for your physical condition. They accept that their trophy wife is a gold digger and trophy wife accepts that she is required to sit there and look pretty.
Thanks for the continuing feedback, good stuff. It looks like the situation may resolve itself without any contrived test. There’s a Christmas party next week for which I could use an escort, and the party will have plenty of both family and VIPs (I’ve already met her ‘mum,’ so some of my family running around shouldn’t wig her out). If she’s in it for the connections, I really don’t think she’ll be able to stop her hand from handing out business cards.
It could be like throwing a shark into a vat of chum, but I suppose I have to find out sooner or later. Wish me luck!
[QUOTE=John Carter of MarsIf you’ve ever been with someone that had a “Character Flaw” that made them materially unstable, you’d understand how, the next time, being materially stable and financially responsible would be a major factor [/quote]
But once again, being “materially stable” as in having a good paying job and personnal property isn’t the same thing as being “financially responsible”.
And I agree with you about the “max it out on frivolous items” part. And that’s not a consequence of having a fun job that pays crap.
Marriages are usually financial partnerships. You may be happy living a non-materialistic life. I like financial security. I like to travel. I like having my kids college paid for. I’m not a thing person, but other people are. Now, I’m not the type of person to depend on someone else to give me those things, but I can’t really marry someone who doesn’t value these things. Are they shallow things to value? I don’t think they are, you may, that would make us poor partners. Moreover, if I value college funds for OUR kids and you don’t, and you choose to work “fun” jobs while I work jobs that are less fun but pay our mortgage and fund our kids college and pay for travel, that isn’t fair to me. I’ll end up with a little ball of resentment - even if you DON’T care about having a house or traveling or funding the kids college. So we aren’t compatible. But I don’t think I’m a gold digger, I’m looking for someone who shares my values and goals - some of which are financial.
Fortunately, there are people with wide ranges of different values. I know people who are happy married to musicians and writers. I know two actor couples who seem to live on a shoestring, but have happy relationships. I don’t think there is anything wrong with how they’ve chosen to live, it just isn’t for me. And no amount of “he’s really hot” is going to make a fundamental difference in values work.
Not exactly the same, but it’s a pretty good bet that if a person possesses one set of qualities, the other is there as well.
Not a necessary consequence, no. But again, not caring about ones’ income is a pretty good indicator of financial carelessness.
Yeah, I know. The flirt-thing was intended to be a little internet joke. These days I’ve got me a cowgirl that can rope, ride, and whip up a mean pot of home-made soup. A guy would be crazy to look farther.
So, if she hands out some business cards you’re going to write her off? I wouldn’t think her handing out cards, if the discussions indicated such was appropriate, was anything but smart on her part. I certainly wouldn’t take it as an indication that she’s a golddigger. YMMV.
GrossBottom, it seems to me that you are assuming that any woman who might find her relationship with you to be potentially advantageous to her career or finances is a gold digger. And that isn’t the case. It would only be the case if that were the primary reason she was dating you.
I don’t date men on the basis of their looks. But I’ve dated some good looking men, and enjoyed their looks. I don’t date men on the basis of their money, but I’ve dated some wealthy (or at least high-income) guys, and enjoyed the fact that they were well-to-do. Being aware of someone’s having things that might be helpful or useful to you is not the same as being a gold-digger. If I date a man who has useful contacts in my field at a time when I need or want such contacts, I would have to be downright stupid to not take advantage of that fringe benefit in my relationship. It doesn’t mean that that’s why I’m dating the guy.
If she’s just “looking for a meal ticket,” you’ll find out soon enough. But do bear in mind that recognizing the advantages of a particular relationship does not make someone a gold-digger. It just makes them not blind. She’s a gold-digger if that’s the main reason she’s dating you. If she seems to enjoy herself a lot on your dates, and this continues over a significant period of time, I think you can assume that money’s not her primary reason.
I DO have to wonder what she sees in a guy whose usual belief is that all women are gold-digging whores, though. That’s nice, guy, really nice. What a great way to wash your hands of any responsibility for any bad relationship you’ve ever had!
I think you’ve got me confused with what is at least being attributed to another poster here (though I’ve enjoyed the hijack). As I elaborated in my first posts, it really wouldn’t have occurred to me but for the professional situation and the gossip I had heard.
As for handing out business cards at a purely social function, I consider it incredibly gauche, but that’s just me.
Maybe you ought to mention that then - particularly since you recognize “its just you.” She doesn’t have to be a gold digger or want to take advantage of your connections to see an opportunity at a social event and take advantage of it with a business card (bringing ready to sign purchase contracts would probably be going overboard). I almost never remember I have business cards with me, but am occationally ASKED for them at purely social functions (usually just to give someone a convienent email address and contact info for me). Most of us don’t carry social cards nowadays - and really haven’t since 1917, so we sub in business cards.
I mean, you either like this girl, or you don’t. If you like her, is her handing one of your relatives a business card enough reason to call it off? You are destined for lonliness if you are that quick to end things over something that small. If you don’t like her, why are you bringing her to the party at all?
No, but I’d wince visibly. Would you be especially pleased if you took a guy to a formal dinner and he sat down to eat while tucking his napkin into the collar of his tuxedo? It’s socially horrifying, but an isolated incident wouldn’t send me over the edge. And I was being sarcastic when I said “that’s just me” with regards to considering it gauche. In my opinion it’s obnoxious, and particularly so when you are the guest of an invitee to a social event, rather than an actual invitee yourself.
But no, I wouldn’t end it. I’d hope my relative/acquaintance had actually asked for the card, and next time sweetly ask her to leave the cards in the glove box.
When did I say I didn’t like her? She’s lovely. Relax, eh. It’s a Christmas party and the host is a scotch afficionado, if anyone does anything hideous, I’m sure it’ll be me.
I’m saying that since you think its gauche and suspect she doesn’t, it may be worth warning her. If I suspected my date was going to tuck it napkin in the collar of his tux, I’d probably say “honey, I know you don’t wear a tux a lot, at a place like this your napkin goes in your lap.”
If you want to ambush her, I think SHE should dump YOU.
Simple - one too many ex’s that were riding the gravy-train. Met me, met my parents and promtly decided that they didn’t have to work, and that I would take care of all the financial stuff.
Guess what - I’m not interested in having a house-husband. And if it ever turns out that I have a house-husband, he’s actually going to have to take care of the house, as opposed to drinking all night with his buddies on my dime.
Honestly, a guy doesn’t have to be Donald Trump - if he’s a nice person, has a good sense of humour, be reasonably fit, and I’m happy. However, neither I nor my parents are interested in supporting any more doofus lay-abouts who can’t get their shit together enough to get a job.
If I’m going to date the guy, he’s got to have a job. And seeing as how he’ll most likely be in his late 30’s or early 40’s I’d expect that he probably owns a house as well. It’s a financially sound thing to do (in my particular market) and anyone who hasn’t done it by that age, that isn’t a full time student, or a professional artist, has been faffing about.
I don’t dig faffers. Nothing personal, just doesn’t melt my butter.
Because “things” don’t turn me on. They never have. We live in a modest house compared to income. My husband drives a used car. He’d rather get a fishing pole than an iPod. And I’d rather get a gift certificate for a bookstore for Christmas than a diamond.
So, yes, it’s the ambition I’m attracted to. Steve Jobs makes my heart go pitter patter and it has nothing to do with the size of his wallet.
I’m sure it does. It’s the humans way of strutting like a peacock, I suppose.
Grossbottom, maybe it’s the way I’m reading your posts, but you seem determined to test this woman. Is there something other than what other women have told you that’s bothering you about your relationship? If she makes you happy and treats you well, why are you second guessing everything?
Handing out business cards at a social function may be a bit extreme, but there’s nothing wrong with making connections where you find them. As mentioned, it’s when someone values your connections more than they value you that you have a problem.
I have to confess that I’m one of those women who finds ambition incredibly attractive. However, it’s not really ambition for material things that attracts me. I’ve been incredibly attracted to guys who seek acheivement in fields that don’t promise much in the way of financial gain (such as professors, researchers, artists). I guess it’s more the drive that I find attractive. Of course, I’ve been described as pretty ambitious myself, so maybe I just find like-minded people attractive.