How can you tell if a girl actually digs you and isn't just an attention whore?

Because I only seem to experience the latter.

A little more detail might be helpful, but in general, if she touches her hair, licks her lips, or says “I really dig you, let’s hook up,” she is interested. YMMV

Sgt Schwartz

That’s true, but it doesn’t really answer the question. She might just be doing it to get attention and/or be whorish.

I think the only way to be sure they really like you is to hook 'em up to a polygraph. Then alternate asking them questions you know the answer to with asking them whether or not they like you and think you’re cool.

Technically speaking you could go as far as marrying a woman and not truly know if she digs you or not. Although in general, a woman who marries someone she isn’t interested in typically isn’t doing it to be an attention whore.

She is an attention whore, whoever she is. So am I. So are you.

True Attention Whores seek attention from *everyone * - males, females, married, single, old, young - it doesn’t matter.

I know two attention whores. One is my cousin. The other is the wife of a friend. They are both congenital liars, and all their actions & words are carefully chosen to maximize attention toward themselves. It is difficult to be in the same room with them for more than 5 minutes. It goes without saying that you should never date such a person, let alone marry them.

Hey, I didn’t ask the question. Me, I just assume people like me until they file the second restraining order.

This has been my problem with women I thought I was hitting it off with. I’ve never known how absolutely desperate some people can be for attention, and the things they will do to get it.

There’s this ordeal for starters, which happened a long time ago but is a good example. Don’t bother clicking the link, it’s there for anyone that wants to look deeper into it and I will admit I fumbled around a lot socially, but this is getting right at the subject. I’ll summarize.

Girl asks me to ask her out, drops some suggestive hints, and leaves me her number.

I Ask her out.

She says she’s busy.

Girl flirts with me for the next week.

I ask her out.

She says she’s busy, but might call me back. She doesn’t.

She flirts with me at work for another week.

I call her up, and say I’d like to take you out. Name a time and place.

She stands me up.

(This is where the thread about the experience ended)

She spends the next two weeks talking exclusively to me, staring at me, making jokes, and telling me all kinds of personal details about her self at the end of each workday we share.

Eventually I catch her in the break room, we get to talking, and I ask her about what happened the day she stood me up. She sheepishly said she fell asleep. I say “You fell asleep?”. She said “…Yes.” I ask why she didn’t call me or say anything. she said she thought she’d hate me. I told her I had a fine time by myself, it was after all a live sketch comedy show. I ask her if she’s still interested in going out. She says “Yes”. I suggest the Strangers with Candy movie, her eyes light up, and she tells me she thinks she can do that.

She calls me up later and tells me she’s too busy for the movie…but! She’s out of school very soon and then we have all of two weeks we can share together.

Oh goody. After a couple weeks I call her up. She says “Actually, I meant two weeks from now, not two weeks starting from now, and I’ll be in the hospital for those two weeks.”

I got a job someplace else and I never heard from her again.

This happened a long time ago. It taught me a lot…I think. It’s hard to say if you’ve learned anything you can apply to everyday life after dealing with a crazy person except for that there are crazy people. I still don’t know what the hell happened, only that while I was (and still am at times) socially awkward, I refuse to accept “Oooooh dude, that’s where you messed up!” as a justified reason for being given the run around. Anyone who’s going to disqualify me from a date simply because I didn’t invite her to a typical date, didn’t ask her out immediately, or said something slightly goofy is losing in “The Game” herself. None of these things define me as a person or detract from my fine qualities, which I have plenty of, and it is at that point that I say they’re making the wrong move, and is where they’ve “messed up”, and will continue to do so.

On a different note, I have an OKCupid profile with 19 received messages. All positive in reference to either my profile or a message I sent out. Many include the aim screen name of the sender after their pleasant message, many are one page in length, and one even suggests me and the sender hang out without my ever having said a single thing to her. Not a single one of these messages has ever amounted to a date. Half of the girls blocked me after the first time I used their aim screename to say “Hi, I’m SoandSo from OKCupid”, one quarter talked to me until I asked them out, said they were busy, and then blocked me, while the other quarter simply dropped off the Earth.

One direct to aim conversation did turn into…something. I’ll call her Kim. Me and Kim hit it off as well as two people online could, and talked for two to three hours every night for a month until our first date. I drove two hours to see her, treated her to dinner, strolled through the downtown area holding hands, and she even gave me my first kiss. Good times.

We talked every night for two to three hours again for another month and a half, and then we had a second date. I purchased some theater tickets for us, drove another two hours to see her, and then asked her where she wanted to go for food. I was thinking some typical trendy restaurant; she wanted pizza. We walked into a bistro, she froze, and then told me we have nothing going on, and hey(!), two of her friends are there. Ok…am I still buying the pizza for both of us? I am. Ok :dubious: .

As soon as we walk out she starts crying. I ask her what the deal is. She tells me that those were the friends of the boyfriend she’d been seeing for seven months. She was in trouble.

I drive her back to her car. I can see with my peripheral vision that she’s going back and forth between crying in her knees and staring at me. I refuse to stare back and don’t even look at her until I’m parked. I ask her for all the details, am disgusted with what I hear, and then let her go home. She said she could pay me back for the theater tickets. I say “don’t bother, you’d owe me more than that anyways”.

From what she later explained on aim, she did it because she thought very highly of herself. She was taking advanced courses, was from a wealthy family, has traveled the world, taken and taught dance lessons, skilled as an artist, was funny, smart, and beautiful. People told her these things all her life. Why couldn’t she be the perfect girl for everyone? I told her as politely as I could that she was a child. She agreed and amended that she was pathetic and absolutely disgusted with herself. For some God forsaken reason, I continued speaking with her for a little while afterwards until I full extent of what happened sunk in. Then I started closing her messages whenever I sent them. This was at the ending of last year.

I had a girl at another dating site frothing over my profile with a two page message that she ended with her screename. After talking with her over the course of a week, she jokingly asked me to marry her. I said I wasn’t ready for marriage, but perhaps she’d like to take a trip down to our nice Winter Park Ave.? she didn’t say no, she simply said “…I hate thiiiiiiis”, and then changed the subject. After a few of my own short messages she realized she was losing my attention, and started sending me pictures of herself and asking me as many questions as she could. She messaged me every day for a week every time I either logged on or came back from an “away” status. I then blocked her.

After giving up looking on OKCupid, I put made an amendment to my profile telling people that they would have to send me a message over aim if they wanted a response.

One day later, I got a message from a girl who lived in one state, but was coming back down here to visit her family for a few months. Very much like Kim in many ways from what I could tell from talking with her. She’s now here and has been keeping in contact, and appearing very excited to be doing so, but whenever I get close to asking her out someplace, she suddenly has to leave.

As far as offline hookups go, I haven’t had any of those. There’s a cafe called Austin’s that seems like a promising place to meet some similar minds with attractive bodies.

There’s a lot of “SuicideGirls” types there, which I’m very much attracted to even though I’m starting to find that a lot of these self acclaimed rebels to be frauds. A lot of them are just as prissy, petty, and manipulative as those they claim to hate. More and more I’m meeting women who say “I’m a very independent woman” and mean “I have SO many people in my life I can afford to treat a few like trash and drop them without blinking an eye; plus I go from relationship to relationship, but if I am ever alone for two weeks I find myself in a deep, dark depression.” Perhaps they hate in other people what they see in themselves.

Still, you’ll never find a diamond if you don’t look in the rough. Our backgrounds are all we really know. It’s strange to think “Alright, I’ll find someone quite a bit like me. This should be a easy”, and then find no one.

Gah. Why is it so hard to meet normal people?

Actually, that’s not what I’m looking for at all.

Gah, why is it so hard to meet vibrant, interesting people who are also considerate and rational?

Another similar question I’ll probably ask this very forum some day: How can you tell when a girl is happy to see you vs. when she is just happy?

It’s all very maddening. I feel your pain.

Holy shit, that wasn’t a response at all. That was damn near a hijack. Ok, as explained above, I do have some experience here.

Here’s how it is: A girl that is prying for as much attention as possible is going to be a braggart. Whether she digs you, or she’s a good attention whore, she will try to appeal to you. You collect GI Joe’s? Her brother has the world’s biggest collection. You write? She’s been published. Thrice. So you fancy yourself a cook? Oh, well you must hear about her wonderful broiled salmon and her special butter nut sauce, and the sticky rice with mango dessert she prepares afterwards. You do? She’s taught.

Don’t let any of this shut you up. On the contraire. Ask questions! Ask many questions! Why, how much space do all of those GI Joe’s fill up? You’ve been published! That’s incredible at your age? In what? Can I read it? I’d very much like to. Teach? Where? When? And let me get a pen so I can write down those decadent recipes of yours…

Any girl can be an attention whore, but the real deal will actually have detailed answers to all of these. Your typical attention whore will shy away from subjects as soon as you start inquiring about them. If every question you ask is met with a “Well I don’t really have that information on hand” or “It’s been so long…”, you can bet you have an attention whore on your hands. Also, don’t let her make it awkward for you to ask questions, or if she tries to, ignore it. Don’t be on attack mode and sound like you’re trying to crack her, but go into the situation wary of girls that try to benefit from ambiguity. If she asks you why you’re asking, you can either tell her you’re interested, or that you want to know for sure she’s not just putting on a show, because you’ve had experiences with girls who have. Say it with a friendly smile. The real deal isn’t going to mind unless you start asking really personal information.

Or that’s what I do now at any rate.

I stand by the old standards (possibly clichéd, but damned accurate in my experience) - a woman who really likes you will:

  1. Groom you somehow - it might be brushing a piece of dust of your shoulder. Anything.
  2. Bring you food. Even if it’s only a cookie.

I’ve found those two things to be surprisingly accurate indicators.

Wow, that’s depressing. If she hasn’t left me after eleven years, can I start to let my guard down?

How does she treat other people? If she is treating you differently than she treats other people, she’s into you (or hates your guts, hopefully you can tell the difference). If she flirts with everyone, is nice to everyone, is generally polite - then she is just nice, polite and tends to flirt.

I had a number of guys get quite mixed signals for me back in the day. Nice does not equal “want to sleep with you.” Agree to see you does not mean date, unless you make it clear that it is a date. Make date invitations clear and you’ll get clearer signals back. (Can’t tell you how many “dates” I went on where I thought we were friendly people getting together to hang out - most of my friends back then were guys, and I met most of my guy friends under this “not a date” scenario) Date invitations are “I’d like to take you out to dinner, does Friday work for you?” and you show up with flowers. “Hey, want to come over to my house to watch the basketball game?” isn’t a clear date invitation.

:smiley:

Not even this is necessarily a sign. I’ve had girls put my wang in their mouths and it just turns out she dug wang, but didn’t really dig me particularly. Not to sound ungrateful or anything. :smiley:

This is incredibly astute. You made me think back on decades of man/woman relationships I’ve known, or been involved in personally, and it’s so true!!

While JoeSki’s post was probably a tad long, it was a good read, and it’s always nice to see someone who’s grown from experience. Some people go through life and never learn a thing. But Joe, two hours dude? I wouldn’t drive more than an hour to see the love of my life! :wink:

LoadedDog is onto something, though. When a woman likes you, you just know. It’s rarely in her voice, or even in her body language (which isn’t always easily read, even when it seems obvious). More than anything, it’s in her eyes, her touch, and in what she does for you. When she goes out of her way to initiate contact or give you something, that’s as bright of a green flag as you could ever hope for. Attention whores do not know the meaning of any of this, and when confronted with inner feelings of desire for a guy, they almost always swing to the extreme side of clingyness for that guy, letting down their defensive latticework of flakiness and latching onto him. These are also the same types of girls who become emotional wrecks when the guy is smart enough to curb them after a few weeks. I find that the older I get, the fewer “red flags” it takes before I disqualify people, especially women. Red flags are any signs of extreme flakiness, whether large or small. Inability to commit to simple events, giving vanilla excuses, saying one thing and doing another, no interest in discussing anything at length, etc. The attention whores know that they’ve got the upper hand on manipulating the majority of men into giving up their time and money in the futile effort to gain their affections. It never works for the men in the long run, but the women will always have a steady reserve of attention fuel waiting in the wings.

Basically: if you think you’ve got an attention whore on your hands, if she gives off even one sign of having some kind of hyperactivity and/or attention deficit disorder, if you have even the slightest hunch that you can’t trust her, then chances are you’re probably right. Save your time, money, and energy. There are indeed more fish in the sea than you could ever hope to catch, so why waste your time on the stupid ones? Do what your gut tells you, and you’ll not only be happier with yourself, but you’ll be more attractive to real women because you’ll convey the fact that you don’t tolerate second-class treatment from others and that you are particular about your desires rather than open to anything that’s available. When you’ve got a real catch, it’s pretty easy to tell. Where you take it from there is the real question …

They’re all attention whores, but this one doesn’t sound like your girl. A girl who likes you will make an effort.

Yes! When I was single, I was really surprised to find out that a few guys I thought of as buddies thought of me romantically. Going dutch treat for coffee after we run into each other on campus does not signal “romantic interest” to me. Asking, fairly soon after you meet her, “Can I take you out to dinner next week?” does. I’ve heard other posters say it and it’s very true, once you get on the “friend” track, it’s very hard to get off.

Nope. Shields up, 24/7. :wink:

I’ll oblige you if you’ll tell me how to differentiate between a decent guy and a passive-aggressive misogynist… :wink:

Ack! He’s broken the code; everyone switch to Plan 72-X! :slight_smile: