How do I get my son to EAT?

[Fake_Tales_of_San_Francisco]

@Anne_Neville

Are there foods he’ll eat away from home, but won’t eat at home? That’s a big hint that he might not dislike the food, but might dislike the way you prepare it.

Don’t take it personally if he doesn’t like something you cook. Everybody, including little kids, has their own individual tastes in food. Don’t drag issues into this that don’t belong.

I’ve found this to be very true. In fact it has taken me a good number of years during my teens to discover that I quite likely like any food, whilst I was previously quite picky. It’s all down to the way it’s prepared, and it really can make the world of difference. It’s true for kids, but I think it’s also true for adults. My better half would always refuse to eat meat like steak, chops and things like that. When I was introduced to her parents and had a meal with them, I discovered why. I don’t know how anyone can eat steak without sauce or gravy or some kind of extra flavour. I remember developing a real dislike for rice, because it always tasted boring and the texture didn’t really work for me. That is until my mother starting buying bismati rice.

I used to avoid mashed potato too, until my mother actually started cooking it with butter and a bit of salt and pepper.

[Anne_Neville]

@Perciful

There is nothing worse then a picky eater.

There are many things worse than a picky eater. A kid with conduct disorder (the childhood version of antisocial personality disorder, basically) is worse than a picky eater. A kid with serious physical or mental health problems is much harder to deal with than a picky eater. The parents of such children would gladly trade problems with a parent with a picky eater. Have some perspective, it’s yummy

Some people are just more sensitive to tastes and textures of foods than others. It’s not necessarily a parent’s fault (sometimes it is, but not always) when a kid is a picky eater.

This goes back to how there’s no parenting technique to guarantee that a kid turns out well. You can do everything right as a parent and still have your kid turn out badly. You can do all the right things in trying to get your kid to be an adventurous eater, and still have them turn out picky. We don’t live in the just world, where kids turning out badly only happens because parents do something wrong. We live in a world where kids sometimes turn out badly despite their parents’ best efforts. It’s scary and distasteful to many people, but it’s true.

[crazyjoe]

@Hedda_Rosa

We have 2 selective eaters. We finally found a solution, after years of struggle.

Dessert.

Last year when they were 3 and 6, we announced to them that we had new rules for dinner.

#1: Every night we’d be having dessert (we literally never had it at dinner before that, unless it was a birthday).
#2: Dinner and dessert are a package deal; no dinner, no dessert.
#3: You can choose to have cereal instead.

Then for the first week, I made only things that they enjoy eating, and they got dessert every night. Second week I made only the things they enjoyed eating plus 2 leaves of salad. Third week I started mixing in bigger challenges, more interesting foods, a bit more salad.

We added on some sub-clauses - you have to try a real bite of new foods, no dessert on pizza night, mom can veto cereal sometimes if she thinks you are just being lazy.

And it worked! Now, a year later, they’ll eat a 1/2 cup of salad and eat everything on their plates every dinner, completely matter-of-fact. They choose cereal maybe one night a week, not much more.

There are a few things that they are allowed to opt-out of; they both hate mashed potatos, the boy doesn’t eat tomatoes, stuff like that. They aren’t asked to eat those things, because hey we all hate something.

Oh and dessert each night is 2 tablespoons of vanilla ice cream. Not huge slabs of cake or anything. I feel ok about it; I think it teaches portion size and moderation.

I love this plan. I may try it. If I do, I will let you know how it goes. I may add a rule of “No complaining” because my kids like to complain.

[Maus_Magill]

@Dung_Beetle

I am a parent, and I know ya love the little nipper, but I’ve gotta go with Oredigger on this one. You’ll be doing him and yourselves a big favor in the long run.

Fang did the same thing. We gave him a little bit of everything (a "no-thank-you helping), and he had thirty minutes to eat his dinner, or it was bath/bed time with out his stories.

He could have seconds of what ever he wanted, provided he eat every thing.

He does much better now (at six), but it was a rough couple of weeks. We are now having to work with his little brother who is fast approaching three.

[Perciful]

@Anne_Neville

There are many things worse than a picky eater. A kid with conduct disorder (the childhood version of antisocial personality disorder, basically) is worse than a picky eater. A kid with serious physical or mental health problems is much harder to deal with than a picky eater. The parents of such children would gladly trade problems with a parent with a picky eater. Have some perspective, it’s yummy

Some people are just more sensitive to tastes and textures of foods than others. It’s not necessarily a parent’s fault (sometimes it is, but not always) when a kid is a picky eater.

This goes back to how there’s no parenting technique to guarantee that a kid turns out well. You can do everything right as a parent and still have your kid turn out badly. You can do all the right things in trying to get your kid to be an adventurous eater, and still have them turn out picky. We don’t live in the just world, where kids turning out badly only happens because parents do something wrong. We live in a world where kids sometimes turn out badly despite their parents’ best efforts. It’s scary and distasteful to many people, but it’s true.

I was saying it from a parents perspective on eating. Of having to make the child a special meal other then the what the family is having. I would also worry if they were getting enough nutritionally. Most kids outgrow the picky eater stage by the time they grow up without life long eating disorders. I would not indulge it anymore then I would give in to buying them candy everytime we went through the checkout line in a store.

[Anne_Neville]

@Perciful

I was saying it from a parents perspective on eating. Of having to make the child a special meal other then the what the family is having. I would also worry if they were getting enough nutritionally. Most kids outgrow the picky eater stage by the time they grow up without life long eating disorders. I would not indulge it anymore then I would give in to buying them candy everytime we went through the checkout line in a store.

You have to be reasonable. Sitting at the table for hours until the kid eats a mushroom is not reasonable. Making a kid eat a food that makes them vomit is not reasonable. Saying that kids should not dislike or decline any foods is not reasonable. Making chicken fingers for every meal for a kid isn’t reasonable, either.

Being unreasonable or having unrealistic expectations (brussels sprouts are probably not going to be eaten with the same gusto as hot dogs, nobody likes every food prepared in every way) is not the way to a peaceful dinner table and a kid without food issues.

[Anne_Neville]

@Fake_Tales_of_San_Francisco

I remember developing a real dislike for rice, because it always tasted boring and the texture didn’t really work for me. That is until my mother starting buying bismati rice.

I used to avoid mashed potato too, until my mother actually started cooking it with butter and a bit of salt and pepper.

My mom made Minute rice. I hated all rice except that served in Chinese restaurants. When I grew up, I learned the secret to Chinese restaurant rice was to buy real rice. I have a nonstick rice cooker, so it’s pretty easy to cook.

I hated spaghetti at home, but devoured pasta in restaurants. My mom overcooked spaghetti for my taste, and put it in a bowl where it could get cold (I hate cold pasta).

[Kelby]

@rhubarbarin

It would be nice if letting him go hungry would make him eat. Unfortunately it really doesn’t work this way for most toddlers. Similarly, letting them get really tired does not lead to them going peacefully to sleep.

Nope, you can’t make anyone eat, sleep, or poop if they don’t want to, and setting up control battles around these activities is bound to fail.

However, I think setting up conditions where the child is given the option to make a healthy choice is appropriate. If they do not, they live with the naturally occurring consequence.

[ratatoskK]

I haven’t read all the replies, but the ones I’ve read sound like good advice. It’s typical behavior for a 3-year-old. I just wanted to add that you might want to tuck into the back of your mind the possibility that he may have food allergies. It is unlikely, though.

[Colibri]

Since the OP is asking for advice, this is better suited for IMHO than GQ.

Colibri
General Questions Moderator

[MsWhatsit]

OK, since we’re in IMHO now, I’ll go ahead and share one rule that has worked really well for us at mealtimes. We have a one-bite rule; you don’t have to clean your plate, but you do have to try one bite of everything. However, each kid is allowed to pick one food that is an exception, so if we’re having that food for dinner, they don’t even have to have one bite. Whatsit Jr. picked lima beans, and MiniWhatsit picked hot dogs (of all things). Getting to pick an exception has really helped the one-bite rule go down easier.

Originally we weren’t going to even have a one-bite rule, but the kids tolerate it fairly well and it doesn’t cause huge fights, so I think it’s overall a good thing and helps introduce them to new foods. If it were causing gigantic battles and tears at the dinner table and whatnot, we’d probably ditch it.

[Dung_Beetle]

When I was a kid, the family rule was, “If you complain, you get a second helping”, so we would be heard to say things like, “These green beans are… delicious.”

[pbbth]

I have fairly severe texture issues with food and find that all vegetables must be cooked completely, whether that means boiled, baked, grilled, fried, etc. or the texture is horrid. Lots of people can’t stand the texture of cooked vegetables and want them lightly steamed so they can enjoy crisp veggies. Try cooking things both ways and see how your son responds to each cooking style.

Also look to yourself and your spouse to see if you find a genetic component to your food dislikes. My brother and I are 6 years apart and have never talked about our food issues (his are significantly worse than mine) but in passing conversation a few months ago I discovered that we have several foods that neither us of will eat and we both give the exact same reasons for it. We can’t stand the smell of seafood, we dislike the texture of iceberg lettuce, we dislike the flavor of hollandaise sauce, etc. When I mentioned this to my dad he said he feels the same way about the lettuce and the hollandaise sauce and I have an uncle on his side of the family that can’t stand seafood. My grandfather felt the same way about all of those foods as well. That might be random or it might be based on cooking methods that were passed down through the family but I honestly think that there could be something genetic that makes those foods less appealing to us as well.

[overlyverbose]

I agree with everything that’s been said, so I won’t reiterate it, but here are a few other things you might consider:

1. Involve your kid in the cooking or menu planning. My son is 3.5 and LOVES to eat anything he helps me cook. So, if I’m making muffins, I’ll ask him to help me dump in dry ingredients. If I’m making veggies, he helps me clean them. If I’m making mashed potatoes, he helps mash them. I also let him help chop the potatoes - he uses a blunted butter knife on a small piece of potato. And, when I’m planning the weekly menu, I’ll let him pick one of our meals (I usually narrow it down to three choices first).

2. Try to make sure there are no distractions at the table and try to sit down to eat together as a family. Again, from personal experience, our son generally eats better and faster if we’re all eating together. I think it’s a combination of monkey-see-monkey-do and also just that we’re doing something together, but whatever it is, it seems to work better than feeding him separately (and it really helps not to have to cook two meals). Make sure there are no toys or books or crayons at the table. Ideally, the TV and radio should be off, too.

[purplehorseshoe]

The repeated posts about kids being more excited about eating something they’ve helped to cook made me think of another point, one that I think hasn’t been made yet:

Kids really like to eat vegetables that they’ve grown themselves.

So OP, if you have a little bit of decent dirt in the backyard, or a sunny balcony with some big pots, and just a little bit of green-thumbiness, you can probably introduce your kid to the joys of eating homegrown veggies. Radishes, for example, sprout from seed faster than just about anything else on Earth and come in a variety of shapes and colors. In fact, I really dislike radishes in general but enjoy eating the little baby ones I’ve grown myself.

Google something along the lines of “gardening with children” to read more suggestions about what’s easiest to grow. Tomatoes can be a royal pain, lovely as they taste, but spinach and basil are easy as anything. (YMMV, of course.)

[Butterscotch]

If it is any consolation , my three year old will currently only eat rice krispies, it has been this way for about 6 weeks.

6 months ago she would only eat plain pasta with a little olive oil - no cheese.

She goes through these phases.

I was a picky eater as a kid and sat for hours at the table chewing a mouthful of revolting balled up meat so I refuse to get into it with her. She eats well at school every lunchtime so it is obviously a game she’s trying to play with me.

She got sick of plain pasta and now she’s getting sick of rice krispies. She’s now beginning to ask for carrots and a serving of gorgonzola cheese on crackers. She will wolf down a stir fry and basmati rice… She eats lots of things but has these phases in-between.

I find that at the beginning of the phase I serve up what she wants - we all have pasta she wants it without the sauce: no big deal. Then after a week or so I ask what shape pasta she wants. Couple of weeks more down the line I ask which sauce she wants- tomato or pesto? Introducing a choice helps. Often she stuck to ‘no sauce’, but it became borinmg and she was seeing everyone else really enjoying their pasta and sauce.

Same goes for rice krispies. Now she will have a very small bowl as a starter and then eat what we are having. The last couple of days I have said “We are having this for dinner. You can have your cereal once you have tried what we are having.” Based on previous experience she’ll last another week before just eating what we do without the cereal dessert.

There is no fuss, no shouting, no nasty manipulation.

What worked best when she was younger was a reward. She got a (yes, just the one) smartie for finishing her dinner. She was damn delighted with it. We never said “Eat this if you want a chocolate.” or “If you don’t finish you can’t have a smartie.” But when she did finish she got a little treat. If she didn’t, she didn’t. I made sure the protions were reasonable and it was food she’d like, otherwise it seemed unfair.

There are times when I just say to her, “What do you want for dinner?” and she gets whatever she asks for. This is also true when I am about to prepare a meal and she comes in saying she wants cereal. I’ll cook for everyone else and she has cereal. When she heads me off at the pass, I let her have it her way. These fads will pass…

[Marienee]

@purplehorseshoe

The repeated posts about kids being more excited about eating something they’ve helped to cook made me think of another point, one that I think hasn’t been made yet:

Kids really like to eat vegetables that they’ve grown themselves.

So OP, if you have a little bit of decent dirt in the backyard, or a sunny balcony with some big pots, and just a little bit of green-thumbiness, you can probably introduce your kid to the joys of eating homegrown veggies. Radishes, for example, sprout from seed faster than just about anything else on Earth and come in a variety of shapes and colors. In fact, I really dislike radishes in general but enjoy eating the little baby ones I’ve grown myself.

I have a shallow pan on the table in which we grow sprouts – broccoli, radish, whatever, and my kids can cut them off with a scissors and eat them at table. They love this. I grew raw green onions this way and they ate those too. But usually it’s broccoli.

[Butterscotch]

One other thing: my daughter eats with her eyes. Really. She looked at the omlete we were having for lunch and said “I don’t like that.”
I cut hers into bite-size star shapes with a cookie cutter and she wolfed it down, “Delicious stars mummy, well done.”!

[Acid_Lamp]

Add another vote for the " take it or leave it club". The child is three; if he had any serious food allergies they probably would have discovered them by this point. Texture aversions, color issues, and the like are usually nothing more than lack of experience coupled with the availability of something more pleasing. We all have things that we don’t care for, and it is not unreasonable to work around the really unpalatable items; but he must learn to eat a variety of healthy foods. Start off tough, and when he comes around work your way into the more gentle plans. I like the idea of giving them a choice between options though. Good luck, you are in for a couple of rough weeks probably.

[China_Guy]

My brother has 4 kids, and the rule is if you don’t want to eat what was cooked for dinner, then you can make plain pasta with margarine on it. Works pretty well. It’s worked for 2 of my kids.

My youngest has special needs and when I move back to the US (in the near future), will get her tested and figure out what to do with her eating.