A little over a month ago my wifes best friend Tonya died suddenly. No bad health, not overweight, not a smoker or drinker, no previous symptoms. Was walking into her kitchen and plop. Fell over dead from a heart attack. Paramdics could not revive her. 50 years old, married, 4 kids 1 still at home.
This wasn’t just some acquaintance. My wife was best friends with her for 30 years. On the phone with her at least twice a day. Hung out with her while I was at work. We’d routinely go out with Tanya and her husband and spent some weekends at their cabin up north. Went to all of their kids graduations/weddings.
Now my wife is lonely as hell. She has other friends, but none as close to her as Tanya was. Everytime the phone rings she misses Tanyas daily calls. When she sees something funny or crazy on TV or the internet she hasn’t anyone to tell. This is a life changer for her.
34 years of marriage and I’ve never seen her this sad. Not even when my Mother in law died. But she had been sick for a long time, and elderly. It’s the shocking suddenness of it that’s overwhelming her.
We have a 2 week trip to Paris scheduled at the end of the month. She’s not excited to go in the least. Not like she was up until last month.
I know she needs time to mourn but she also needs to heal. I’ve been extra nice to her, and doing things to try and occupy time that she would normally have spent with Tonya. But she’s still been pretty down.
The trip to Paris should help a lot. It gets her out of the usual environment which now has a big chunk missing. Another possibility is a new pet if that’s possible, something to apply her emotional energy to, but it’s not for everyone.
Lots of hugs, let her cry and let her talk. However, you sound like the sort of person who’s been doing that anyway.
Is there anything she can do for the one kid still at home, who probably misses Mom tremendously? Or, actually, for the family? Taking them dinner, or out to dinner, or dinner at your house? It occurs to me that she’s the kind of person who may be doing that already.
Just the opposite. She’s done with pets and insists when the dog kicks we don’t get any more. I would love a kitten. We haven’t had a cat in the house since our last one died over 2 years ago. I am hoping the trip helps.
She’s been spending time with the youngest (she’s 17) and showing her how to cook. But says that instead of helping it’s just 2 sad people in the kitchen.
Kudos to you for being so kind to your spouse. Sorry to hear of her (and your) loss. I just sat here thinking about how I would feel if my BFF died suddenly and I am actually near tears just at the thought.
Sounds like you’ve done a really great job of understanding and being empathetic to her. I’d be very careful not to push her to “heal”, as a month is not a very long time at all after a 360-month friendship. Chances are, she knows she needs to and might even be feeling guilty about still being sad.
As for ideas, I’d pay close attention and look for her showing signs of interest in her hobby. Say she likes birdwatching but put the binoculars down because of her grief. Watch for her to start pointing out birds again, then email an article about an unusual migration this year. Or get her a cool new oar for her kayak. Or clear some space for her on the DVR. Whatever she is into, she’ll start getting into again soon. When she does, be there to quietly facilitate that. That’s my best idea.
ETA: I might start writing letters to my departed friend in a journal. Maybe your wife would do the same, if presented with a nice journal?
Ugh, that’s terrible. What about the surviving family? Are you guys close? Maybe your wife can kind of bond with them. The kids, especially the youngest one, will want a mother figure. I don’t know if that would be traumatic or something, but what if she talks to the kids, the widower, and shares some stories of them two as a cathartic release of all the emotions she’s surely built up?
Maybe sad is what she should be/needs to be doing right now. Unless being sad is interfering with her ability to function (is she bathing, eating, sleeping, leaving the house) it is probably ok. Being sad and grieving is not a pathology. So, she and her best friends daughter cooking together and being sad together may be part of the road she’s on, that ultimately ends up with her healing.
I agree with IvoryTowerDenizen. A month is not a long time for a death this significant and your wife needs to grieve. It’s completely natural that you would want to cheer her up, but all you can really do is support her in her grieving. If my best friend (who also happens to be my twin) passed away, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, ever.
The journal is an excellent idea to help her still feel connected to her friend. The trip should help, even if she’s not able to look forward to it right now. What might also help is to create some kind of memorial for her friend - can she raise funds for a cause that her friend supported? Or create something lasting in her friend’s name?
Celebrate her life. She would have wanted to share the trip to Paris with her friend and her friend would have wanted her to go. Buy some flowers when you get there and leave one at various spots in her memory.
It took me months to stop crying in the car on my way to work after my mom died suddenly. I was 40 years old and I felt as bereft as a little kid. The times that were the hardest were the “rdinary” days. I was better at work, better when we traveled. I may not have enjoyed those experiences quite as much as I would have if my mom had still been alive, but I did enjoy them, and it helped me get my feet under me again.
I didn’t go to grief counseling, but I know a couple other people who have and said it helped, so that might be an option. A session for you too might help, to know how to support your wife (though it sounds like you’re doing a fabulous job all on your own).
Mostly I guess, give her time. Be there, be an ear and a shoulder when she needs one, give her space and alone time if she needs that. Try and get her to pamper herself a bit (Paris should help with that!) and to be kind to herself. Grief that deep is immensely draining, as draining as if she were physically ill. Time, good food, and perhaps even some medication will help her find her way to happiness again.
Maybe get the seventeen year old to expand on the cooking lessons, which IS a great idea! Changing up the format a titch to avoid the ‘two sad people in the kitchen’ problem could really work, I think!
Presented to your wife as, ‘another youngster wants to join in, having heard about the lessons’! Daughter then brings in a couple of her ‘live wire’ friends to take some ‘cooking lessons’.
A couple of young girls taking cooking lessons always holds the potential for shenanigans in the kitchen, it seems to me. And being around some young, funny, energy might help to move your wife a little out of her funk, even if just for a short time.
Just a suggestion!
You sound like a good husband, trying really hard. Give her all the time she needs. Maybe remind yourself that grief is a marathon sometimes, not a sprint. It’s not one large Herculean act of personal strength sometimes, so much as the abiding endurance to walk through a thousand days. Or so it seems to me, anyway. Your job is to be beside her, however many days it takes her to walk out of the heavy miasma of profound loss.
Damn. I guess as stated above just watch out for signs of serious depression- not leaving the house, not taking care of herself, etc. I was so sad after my friend’s sudden suicide (and we hadn’t been friends for life or anything) and I just straight up had to suffer through it and cope. It was sad and miserable, I lost a lot of weight and felt awful and eventually I started whistling again when I was walking and catching myself making people laugh again. Then I was back and while I still felt sad sometimes it wasn’t that all consuming sadness that hit at first. I just think that if she’s taking care of herself she needs to just grieve.
