And of course the corollary , “He says everything is fine, but he must be upset about something. I just have to pry it out of him somehow!”
Have you considered living separately, under the same roof?
As is, fashion some sort of bachelor apartment, out of one of the rooms, for either you or him,( or, perhaps, whichever parent is not currently watching the kidlet.) You’re both together, and apart, no expense of moving, no disruption for the child, you both get a little private time to yourselves, and maybe in a year it will be clearer, to one or both of you, what you should do next!
And I understand that. But it does become problematic when you keep asking/suggesting/saying and nothing is done about it.
How does having a small child to care for make her “spoiled?”
Because she has a family and security - that’s what I meant. She also has the responsibility of the child and all she can whine about is more ‘me’ time and not losing her financial stability.
Sounds like she wants to be single without children.
You really, really, really need to get into counseling.
It can help. Honest. I’ve been there.
Marriage is hard as hell - even when you’re in a good one.
You DO need a vacation. Go somewhere, alone. Take a week to yourself and just GO. Getting in a new environment will help you clear your head.
Your husband isn’t failing to make you happy. Most of your happiness is going to come from within - sounds corny but it’s true. Another guy isn’t gonna make you happy, either – and in your life stage, most guys are gonna run like hell from you.
This post is breaking my heart. I’m embarrassed to admit, but your husband sounds exactly like me a couple years ago. I hope you have discussed this with him, how unhappy and why. And what you are considering.
My wife was just as unhappy starting about year 5 of our 7 year marriage. I honestly did not know why!! She never told me. She said she was depressed, and didn’t know why. She said it just happens… I dismissed so much of her unhappiness on the fact that she was just depressed (it couldn’t have been me, afterall, i was a great guy, right?). I thought, "She’s just chemically imbalanced (Horrible, I know, now). I reasoned, “everything will be better when she gets over this depression.”:smack:
Then she had her affair. It.devestated.me. I had loved her the whole time.
We are now both making enormous efforts to change ourselves (counseling, books, etc). I feel I have really improved as a husband. I’m helping out around the house, delivering my love, and changing my naive perceptions. She says she is happier than ever, she loves me, and she is no longer on antidepressants. Don’t get me wrong, I do not take any responsibility for her choice to have an affair, but I am at least 50% responsible for the state our marriage was in. I was just blissfully ignorant then.
Please talk to your husband. Please encourage him to go to couples counseling with you! if he won’t go, please go yourself (I probably wouldn’t have gone then, because I didn’t think there was anything ‘wrong’ with me). I pray you can find a way to make him understand how serious you are. People can change.
I am sorry if I am projecting too much of my own life into the original post, I really hope this helps you or someone else, but husbands and wives can change for the better. I have. My wife has.
If you can encourage him to read…Some books that helped us/me:
[ul]
[li]His Needs, Her Needs[/li][li]The 5 Love Languages[/li][li]Love & Respect[/li][/ul]
Maybe she does. It’s not wrong to simply think of that. It’s wrong to give up without even trying, but it’s not wrong just to wish it, or even say it to people - if you never say it, you can’t always fix it.
Thats understandable. The BIG question in these sort of things IMO really is this. Is what you are complaining about reasonable or not? Yeah, thats a tough one to answer but that doesnt mean the question is irrelevant.
An example. The SO insists on washing my clothes. I can do that myself. I’ve spent decades doing that for myself. Now, for some fricking reason SHE must wash MY clothes. I don’t want her to wash my clothes…but fuck it I give in. But its a fucking pain in the ass because now its on her schedule. And SHE gets our clothes mixed up. So, I get to hear her bitch about missing clothing items (that she washed and put away). She doesnt check my pockets like she should and paper towels and tissues mess up a whole load and get to hear the bitching about that. She folds my ragged out tshirts, socks and underwear. I dont want those fucking things folded. Shove the fuckers in a drawer and be done with it. We don’t live a cramped nuclear submarine. I DO NOT CARE about these things.
So, she’s taken on a chore I can and have done myself for years. She wastes time doing shit I don’t her want to do and I don’t care about. Does it so that it makes her mad and irritated and me mad and irritated.
Spouses, for petes sake don’t do chores for the sake of the spouse that the spouse doesnt fricking care about. Your wasting your time and energy! If its important to YOU fine. If they don’t care the fact you do aint going to make them care by some sort of magic.
That is dreadfully annoying, billfish.
I try to let things slide as much as possible. Clothes on the floor don’t bother him and bother me? Well I pick them up then, and only ask him to keep them out of the living room just in case the landlord stops by - I’d rather not have him thinking we’re slobs.
What annoys me is when he says he’s going to do something and weeks or months later it’s still not done. And won’t let me do it. And won’t let me hire someone to do it.
The only way to get him to do these sometimes is just to start doing them myself! Then he takes it away from me. Usually. 
“Why should I have to spell it out for them” suggests that asking/suggesting/saying is not going on. Hence we have to assume telepathy is what is wanted.
Sure, it’s okay to have the blues or be bummed or bored, but the whole ‘How do I initiate a cheap divorce and maintain my current lifestyle?’ screams spoiled and selfish.
I was coming back here to say this. You really do need to think about what’s best for your child. Not to say that divorce is sometimes not what’s best, but that’s when the house is disruptive, where there is fighting or abuse. Not normal boredom or annoyance or frustration. You owe it to the kid to work on it and try to make a happy family for him, not break it up over your own whims.
Thank you, Annamika 
Of course the flip side of this would be the wife undertaking everything, then eventually becoming more and more put-upon as time goes by because she’s “the only one” doing the undertaking. She will have forgotten that she is the one who insisted on it because things weren’t being done to her satisfaction.
I am in no way a neatnick, but I’ve always been particular about the way certain chores are done. My husband is the same way. Unfortunately, my particular way vs. his particular way are totally separate things. Neither of us wants give in, so…um, yeah.
Gay or straight, “The 5 Love Languages” should be required reading, complete with a test, before getting a marriage license. It’s AWESOME.
“His Needs, Her Needs” is also fantastic. Haven’t read the other one.
I need to chime in and agree for a third or a fourth or a tenth time that it sounds to me like you can still fall back in love with him, and that as super smart and insightful as you are, Maastricht, you aren’t seeing this clearly.
If there isn’t abuse, and there isn’t substance abuse, etc, you really just need to start talking to each other again the way you did when you were in love and glowing.
Kids really take it out of you, and it becomes difficult to find the time to be loving, since you only want me time, without both of them around. But you just have to suck it up and make it work somehow. This is why you got married, was so that you couldn’t easily leave, because you felt at that time that it would be important to have that legal tie to keep you together when otherwise you would just end it because you were bored, like you did all those other relationships… (guessing, but that’s one reason for marriage that I think is often overlooked, but totally valid) and you just need to make the effort to get yourself back there.
I am a male, and I totally vote for ‘he thinks everything is fine because you aren’t screaming at him.’ Most men really do think that the marriage that used to be rocky is now fine, because the woman has stopped yelling- when in reality, she has just given up and doesn’t care enough to yell anymore.
Please, don’t be that person. Yell and scream and fight against the dying of your marriage, and realize that you can get it back- or make realistic plans that don’t include finding ‘mr right’ to get out of the marriage and try not to end up on the dole, because you will all of a sudden be responsible for everything, and have no one to back you up any longer.
For years my girlfriends and I have gone on a long weekend together - sometimes twice a year. We rent a house or condo (or two), somewhere drivable. Bring up food, split the costs, and we sit around and READ - and watch TV and chat and drink, but if what you want to do is spend two days with a book, that’s fine. With ten women taking turns cooking and cleanup is pretty easy.
But, yeah, we all want a vacation from dishes and picking up and our husbands and kids - particularly when our kids are little and all consuming. That’s NORMAL.
Except for the number of years stated in the second paragraph (substitute 8 for 5, and 10 for 7), this part of pyromite’s post might well have been written by me. I had the same experience.
Unfortunately, my outcome was not the same as his. The fact that counselling worked in his case leads me to believe that it would have worked in my own. Like him, I had no idea she was as unhappy as she was. By the time I twigged to the fact that there was something seriously wrong and suggested counselling, it was too late–at least, according to her. To make a long (and irrelevant for our purposes here) story very short, she left and moved across the country to be with her new boyfriend. Although it has been a few years now, we are still in touch, as there remain a few bits and pieces of business between us; and interestingly, in the last communication I received from her, I understand that while she continues to live with her boyfriend, her unhappiness is returning. Perhaps if she (or we together) had had counselling at some point, she would not end up being unhappy in relationships; and she (and me) could work together to regain the happy and healthy relationship we once had.
I would encourage you and your husband to seek counselling now. If your husband won’t join you, then go yourself. If nothing else, it should be able to help you pin down exactly why you are unhappy–which may open up a raft of options for “where to go from here” that you might not have considered before. While leaving and divorcing is certainly an option, remember that it is just one of what could be many; and I sometimes wonder what might have happened if, as the result of counselling, my ex-wife had been able to see and consider more options than just, “I must leave and divorce my husband.”
Regardless, I hope that whatever option you choose works out well for you. Good luck!
Have you considered that he may be correct? 43 is not too early for the menopause.
I was thinking that the OP could be in peri-menopause which can last up to 10 years prior to menopause.
(Menopause being defined as the time when you have gone 12 months without a period or spotting, average age: 52. Post-menopause is the rest of your life.)
Since estrogen is the nurturing hormone, the drop in it’s level during the peri years can cause a woman to stop focusing so much on the needs of everyone else in the family and to start to focus on her own needs. (and wants) Oh, and there is the mood swings, anger issues, hot flashes, insomnia …