How do I initiate a divorce as painless and as cheaply as possible? (Rambling marital problems)

[Maastricht]

@Red_Stilettos

I’m glad you took some time, but this isn’t what I was describing. Every time I take a staycation, the time just gets filled with all of the home projects that I’ve been putting off. Sometimes, that’s exactly what I want and I enjoy doing projects that otherwise get put on the backburner. But more likely, I’ll feel guilty about “wasting” that time at home, so I do laundry, clean up, work in the garden, etc. That is only pseudo-me time. The guilty feeling is the problem.

Exactly!

Interesting. I’ll try the " forced into doing absolutely nothing for a day" excercise. A day at home does feel different then a day staying with a friend without kids, that is true.

[dangermom]

@Maastricht

No, I didn’t get married because I was pregnant; my husband was the one who brought up the subject and wanted kids with me. Then we had a pregnancy scare which told us that yes, getting pregnant was a real possibility. I didn’t have a child wish, and I worried and worried and decided to take the leap and started stopping my Bc and charting my ovulation. This kid was very much planned. We just didn’t get around to getting the legal paperwork in order untill I was five months pregnant.
But we never got around to actually living together before I got pregnant; we lived about two hours by car apart. So my husband hadn’t been pre-tested for bachelor habits…If I had been younger, that is what I would have done differently.

It sounds like the only time you two have lived together is while you were pregnant and then had a baby. That means you never had time living together as a married couple without a baby in the offing, which I think has probably contributed to your problem; you never gelled as just a couple together. That doesn’t make things impossible or anything, but I’d bet it’s made things harder.

However from what you say, you need a little time off to yourself, and probably some counseling, much more than you need a divorce. I think someone said above that you may or may not need a divorce, but the problems you’re talking about will not be solved by one. I think that’s exactly correct.

[Rachellelogram]

I really don’t think living apart is such a terrible option. If the relationship was doing well when you guys lived far apart, then maybe separate places would be a better option for you. There are couples who can’t live together, but do well regardless. If you didn’t have to clean up after each other, but lived close enough that you could still hang out and have date nights/sex and the kid could run back and forth between your bedrooms or apartments or houses… that doesn’t sound so bad to me.

At the very least, before you jump straight for the big red DIVORCE button, I’d advocate trying separate bedrooms or separate apartments first. Yeah it might be a death knell, or it might save the relationship. Regardless, going straight for divorce is going to kill the relationship anyway.