How Do I Know if This is "Normal" or "Advanced" Behavior for My Child?

I am constantly reminding myself that I’m his parent, so I’m always skeptical that the stuff my son does is actually remarkable. It’s like how I think he’s cute, but it’s the constant stream of strangers going out of their way to tell me so that makes me think he might really be cute.

He’s just about 4½. This weekend I assembled a Brio wooden train track on his bedroom floor per his request. Doing so hurt my back, so I plopped myself on the couch to rest. He asked me to play with him, and I replied that I couldn’t play on the floor because of my back. I could see a lightbulb go off in his brain as he ran off. A few minutes later he came back with a canvas shopping bag full of the disassembled track pieces. He had brought them to me to recreate the track on the coffee table so it wouldn’t be on the floor. It was simultaneously considerate and clever. (Yes, I re-built it and played with him.)

He’s long been impressing me with things that seem more mature than I would expect. I don’t have much experience with average mental development in children, so I can’t be sure stuff like this is above his grade level. My best friend visited this past weekend with his wife, who is a 1st grade teacher. She was blown away by his creativity, but he’s also adorable, so that may have colored her opinion. I feel like if someone who deals with 6-year-olds was impressed with my 4-year-old, maybe I’m not kidding myself.

So tell me, cynics of the Dope… How do I really know if I should apply for a gifted program, or if I’m just blinded by parenthood?

Do you have more examples of what make you wonder if he’s gifted? I used to work with preschoolers and the one example you gave seems pretty typical problem-solving for a 4.5 year old.

He sounds really bright and creative to me - adorably so.

A chat with his pediatrician is a good place to start. They should be able to give you some insight into how your son is developing and some pointers on next steps. It sounds like you’re doing a great job. I’d like to request a slight amendment to our picture rule and ask to see your little cutie, if you’re comfortable sharing it.

A woman who teaches six-year-olds has seen plenty of cute kids and plenty of creative kids, so she’s probably good at sorting those things into their separate categories. I’d take her words as due praise.

What are you wanting out of a gifted program? I tend to think that kids should be in a program that they need. Is he not getting what he needs out of his school, such that he needs something different? Or is he thriving in school, and this problem-solving and compassion are evidence that the kid’s in good hands?

If he’s thriving and happy, you’re doing the right things. Putting him in “accelerated” classes may not be what he needs.

I see this too often: parents push to have their kids in a class that they think their kid “qualifies” for, rather than a class the kid actually needs, and the kid is unhappy.

If the kid is thriving, that’s what you’re looking for.

Heh–I was thinking just the opposite. A first grade teacher worth her salt is going to be real good at effusive encouragement and enthusiasm. If she’s a family friend, she has no downside to pouring it on.

I don’t know that recognizing at 4 1/2 to go get the toys and bring them to you for the coffee table is necessarily evidence of giftedness.

That said, most school districts do some kind of testing- mine has a combination of teacher-referred and parent referred testing, and then if you meet certain criteria, your kid gets into the “Gifted Services” program, which is a range of services- pull out, grouping/clustering, etc… depending on your child’s needs. They’re starting to approach it somewhat more like the special education that it is, rather than as if the gifted students are somehow fundamentally different than other kids, which is a good thing.

I’d just wait until your kid’s in kindergarten, then see what your district has to offer, and look into how to get him tested.

What type of program are you considering applying for?

In most districts I’m aware of, all students are screened for the appropriateness of gifted education. Those that are identified through the initial screening are tested in a wide variety of ways - IQ, creativity, subject-matter assessments. Then parents are told if their student qualifies for services. In my district that happens largely in first grade, although my younger child was identified in Kindergarten (and subsequently accelerated to second grade rather than first). I’m sure a parent could attempt to “force” testing if their child wasn’t identified by the initial screening process.

While the anecdote you shared is certainly sweet and evidence of good problem-solving skills, it doesn’t seem like evidence of definitive giftedness to me. To give an example, as I read it I was predicting your story would end with him recreating the track you had built exactly the same way it was built before but off of the floor.

The thing with kids: when they are inside the uterus, you desperately want them to be average. To meet their growth targets on time, to meet their developmental targets on time. To be average in every way.

Then, at the moment of birth… suddenly, you want them to be exceptional!

I have a 4 year old. He is a bright kid. He’s engaged in similar behaviour. I was impressed - but - I think it is important not to put pressure on the child, I think at 4.5 yrs you are overthinking his abilities.

Could be a child prodigy, sure. Could be a teenage disaster, too. Could rebel and be a lurker in your basement for his adult life.

As a parent (and clearly not a childhood development expert) I’d suggest continuous encouragement and stimulation.

Once he gets to school age he will either shine brightly, shine less brightly, or just be a normal kid. Such is life. But schools have people trained to spot the differences, and they are a little more impartial than the parents.

Ultimately, I’d encourage you not to think about this as “normal” or “advanced,” but “awesome.” Your kid is creative and kind, and that’s awesome. It doesn’t matter whether he’s more or less creative than other kids his age, or more or less empathetic. There’s no trophy. What matters is his awesomeness.

Focus on that.

Same. The OP was kind of a letdown.

Can I also offer another thought: if you want your kid to be “gifted”, bear in mind that they will naturally model your behavior, and that will have more impact than any verbal encouragement you offer.

So if you wish for him to be well-read, you should read a lot (and encourage him to join you). If you want him to be a musical prodigy, I suggest taking up music lessons for yourself. The same for learning other languages, playing a sport, or any other thing you associate with giftedness. Be the excellence you wish to see in your kid.

If you want your kid to be excellent at some thing they already have an interest in, then encourage that interest by participating with them. Everyone gets this about sports: if you want your kid who likes soccer to be a soccer rock star, you need to be out in the back yard running drills with them. But it’s true for everything else, as well. My son had an early interest in math. He wasn’t particularly precocious: a few months before kinder, he couldn’t reliable count to 20. But around then, he started to really LIKE it. “Ask me a math question”, he’d ask, endlessly. We talked about trillions and infinity every car ride.

So we put a lot of time and money into math programs. We did math lessons 2-3 times a week after school and in the summer. We never pushed hard. Like, we will bring up “it’s math lesson time”, but he can veto.

He’s so freaking good at math now. We have no idea what to do with him. He’s doing 3 grade levels ahead, and good at it. His understanding of what he’s doing is far ahead of most kids on his level.

Obviously, I’m a proud mama, but my point is that he isn’t some math prodigy that just “got it”. It was a combination of interest and aptitude that we actively supported (and support). Find what interests your kid, and help them develop that interest, even when it’s not yours. Just modeling isn’t enough support, imo.

Totally agree. My point was to discount the occasional tendency to try to direct kids into “gifted” pursuits, like music or the arts, when the best way to introduce them to those types of things is to be a participant yourself. Ideally, though, a kid feels no pressure or compulsion to pursue anything in particular, and their parents just encourage whatever interest they happen to pursue.

I will admit I covered the walls in my house with maps, educational posters, and a 17-ft timeline. And he DOES like History/Social Studies. But he likes math more.

At that age kids make great advances all the time, so it is way too early to be thinking of giftedness. Developmental spurts may make a young kid seem gifted relative to another one week and behind the other the next week. My district only tests in second grade, near the end, to try to level this stuff out.
Second, most kids will be advanced in different areas.
My advice is to use what I call the improv method of child rearing. When you kid is interested in something, say “yes, and.” We did that with our kids and it led us to places where we never imagined going, and it was great for them.

You could do an Internet search for “developmental milestones”. When he starts attending school the opinion of future teachers would obviously help.

He’s the same age as my class and I see many kids who are creative and that particular example doesn’t seem really outstanding.

I remember being amazed by my own kids, but that was before I started teaching kids this age and didn’t really have a good reference of typical behavior. Most kids should seem outstanding at times.

It’s wonderful that you are engaged with your son. I wish all parents were.

My advice would be to enjoy his creativity and see how he develops.

There’s nothing wrong with thinking your child is the brightest, kindest, best kid in the entire world. The world’s a tough place and there’s nothing wrong with being in your kid’s corner. The key is to let them take the lead and encourage things they are showing an interest in rather than forcing something.

My daughter is very adament that her daughte, not be labeled as gifted or particularly special. But, as her grandmother I can assure you she is extremely gifted and incredibly special. :slight_smile: