I’m not the most fit guy in the world, I could lose about 30 or 40 lbs, but I have a constant problem. Largely overweight women (most of them obese if not berderline) seem to see me as being the last good guy on the planet. Since I’m not an ass (IRL at least) they think that since I’m a bit overweight, they have a good shot at getting a good guy like myself.
This brings about my dilemna. Most of these girls I’m not attracted to, but it’s not because of their weight, I just don’t like them that way. If they were models of perfect health, I’d still not want a relationship, since their personalities are incompatible with me. Invariably though, they see my reticence as being an issue with their weight. (FTR, there are a few girls where I work who are overweight that I’d like to date, they’re married though) What could make me feel more like an ass?
My question is, how can I realistically and effectively cut this thing off, and how can I prevent it from happening again?
I’m flattered that they’re interested in who I am, rather than my looks alone, but I find it difficult to convince them that I’m as considerate as they are.
The problem is theirs. A simple “No, thank you” in a polite tone should be sufficient for anyone.
Hell, even if you’ve given them just cause to think that you do dislike their weight/hair/height/ethnicity/whatever, it’s still their problem as to how they will react to it.
My opinion? Change nothing, unless friends tell you are acting as an ass. Even then, take it with a grain of salt, and decide for yourself.
Has she come right out and said such a thing, or is that just a WAG on your part?
I’m statistically a fat bastard, 6’4" 350# and honestly, I prefer a chick with a swing in the back yard, if ya know what I’m sayin, but if she’s not your type, say so. Honesty is totally the best policy here. If she takes it to mean it’s because she’s fat, then it’s on her, not you, as long as you clearly state your purpose.
Letting someone down easy isn’t something you have to do, unless you’ve led her on too long. Barring that, just stop talking to her. But then you’d be an ass.
No, it’s full-on dating type behavior. They are usually no holds barred. I never lead them on, but I guess I lack the tact to give them a distinct signal early enough.
I’ve played the “constantly unavailable” game that some girls do, but she’s relentless. It seems that the only solution (which I’m sure is their planning) is either giving in (which I will never do) or hurting their feelings )which I also refuse to do).
It can’t just be Murphy’s Law that the ones I’m attracted to are coy, and the ones I don’t like are aggressive. I must be missing something.
This is the polar opposite of the problem I wish I had.
Well, you have to realize you’re not obligated to be attracted to any person. You mention the weight issue, making it sound like there’s a feeling on some level that you just must know what they feel like and you’re supposed to be attracted to them. That’s just nonsense.
Overweight people can be attracted to skinny people, and vice versa. If they take your rejection as a personal condemnation of them or their weight, that’s their problem, not yours. That’s not being harsh, it’s being honest.
Sounds like that’s the problem. You’re avoiding it instead of meeting it head-on, which just makes it worse. Just be honest with her. Tell her that you’re not interested in her that way. If you’d like to be friends with her, say so, but don’t say that if it’s not true.
Sure, her feelings may be hurt. They probably will. It happens all the time, and people get over it all the time.
Fat or thin, someone who is “relentless” is clueless and is probably going to be hurt eventually anyway. There’s nothing you can do about that.
Hopefully, being more up-front like others suggest here will help, but really, if I was interested in someone and they were not giving out “interested” vibes and they were never available for anything, I’d get the hint. Who needs the grief, you know?
Being weasely and not stating your intentions is more hurtful in the long run. As several people have suggested, a friendly “sorry, not interested” is honest, not hurtful.
I once became interested in a young lass by way of her reputation as being a fast thinker, very witty and having my exact sense of humor. I knew she was a bit on the heavy side, but that mattered to me about as much as her shoe size at the time. Without my prompting, an acquaintance happend to pick up on my interest in her and set us up on a legally-blind date (we knew *of * each other but had never really had any interaction).
It was an absolutely horrible experience. I wasn’t looking for any action, just a pal that could maybe work into a low-level girlfriend. I have no idea what she was looking for, but she wouldn’t stop making sour cracks about her weight, about how I was so brave for being seen with her (I have a nice face, but physically I’m not really a prize either), and how she was sorry for me for getting set up with her that evening.
Instant turn off. I ended the date after about 45 minutes of this in favor of hooking up with some friends for a friendly tournament of billiards and barley water. She told our mutual friend that I bailed on her because I thought she was a disgusting tub of lard. I then had to play some reindeer games to convince the mutual of what had really happened.
Moral of the story and a suggestion to the OP for how to deliver the big line? If you have a number of extra pounds on you, this is not a mystery. If someone ditches you after hooking up with you, it’s not due to your flesh which was there at the beginning, it’s because of something else that would remain if you were physically healthy (unless depression really does go away with the onset of good diet & regular exercise–but that’s all science & theory).
Be up front with the girl. I poet that I like once wrote “People who are afraid of inflicting pain are awfully painful to be around”. You’ll cause much less hurt, long term, if you’re up front now. Good luck!
Any facade you create now will have to be maintained indefinitely; in the movies, this leads to hilarity, but in real life it will drive you to despair. Be honest; not necessarily volunteering more information than is necessary, but if you don’t see a ‘relationship’ ahead, say so. If someone has a problem with being turned down, that’s just too bad.
I think you’ve come up with the solution to your own problem.
Be completely honest. Tell her she’s too agressive for you. If she backs off, you’ve gotten what you wanted.
If she doesn’t back off, she’s proven your point & you can point that out to her.
Nicely put, Inigo. It’s difficult to separate your own perceptions of your physical form from the perceptions of others, and if one is VERY unhappy with themselves, they tend to project that assessment upon those around them. I think it may be easier for people to assume that they were rejected because of what they, themselves, believe is their greatest fault, rather than face the fact that it might be something else all together- an additional social deficiency of some sort. We women, who are unsatisfied with our physical appearance, do tend to overdo the self-deprecating behaviors or the confidence=pushy-in-your-face. It is easy to see how either can be a far bigger turn off than a little extra padding.
Thanks guys, helpful stuff. I guess I’ve known that having “the talk” was the right thing to do, but there’s never been a good time for that. Although, I guess now would be a good time.
If the reason you want to “let her down easy” is really for her sake and not just so that you can avoid an uncomfortable situation, then playing games and avoiding the situation is not helping. It just gives her the chance to imagine where the “relationship” is going and build it up in her head. Be honest. Brutally honest, if need be. Try to be tactful if you can, but even being frank and rude is better than letting her imagine something’s there when you know there’s not.
Can you guess who just found out he’s been the victim of the “constantly unavailable” game? That’s right. And it sucks.