How do I make my work place less of a boy's club?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Sorry this is so long.

I’m looking for advice, especially from women, on how I can make my unit less of a boy’s club. To give you the background, I work in international development and specialize in conflict zones. I head a team of six people, five of whom are women. None of them are over 29. My boss is a guy in his sixties (I’m a guy, too).

My boss is kind of a throwback. He has a reputation of not being great managing women and he makes statements that, while maybe not being sexist, are certainly old school. For example, he and I were talking about a colleague who was taking a leave of absence because his wife is expecting and his attitude was, “why does he need time off, she’s the one who’s pregnant?”

When I took over the unit just a few weeks ago, I introduced a tradition, whereby anyone who wanted to could stop by for a quick drink at quitting time on Wednesdays. Every week, I’d have a different bottle of some spirit and we’d try it and generally kind of bs about work in a light hearted manner. Unfortunately, that’s been kind of taken over by my boss who dominates the conversation and has turned it from a light hearted bs session, to a meeting, but with booze. Last week, a couple of the younger women who work for me were heading to my office, saw my boss and did a quick U turn.

Today, I was talking to one of the women who works on my team. We were discussing a former female colleague who had been killed on the job. She was recounting a comment other colleagues had made second guessing her actions. I told my colleague that in my opinion, people were very quick to second guess women aid workers after security incidents. She then said that our work really is a boys’ club and said that she feels that is true in the department that we all work in (my unit is one of four in the department).

She’s right, and it sincerely bugs me. I’d appreciate any thoughts on what works and doesn’t work to change the dynamic. Thanks.

2

Booze at work would be one of the things that would scream “boys’ club” to me: most of the people I know who don’t drink or only very lightly are women.

Other than that, not enough info to give you other than generic advice about making sure that you evaluate people and their work in a gender-blind way, adress people the same way whatever their gender happens to be and so forth. Some things, like your boss getting out of the way, will change only with time.

3

FWIW I agree with your boss re the pregnancy thing.

Other than that, well I don’t know. Your field is one which would appear to be more suited to a lifestyle more often seen in men than in women.

4

Wow.

To the OP: Is there any way to declare the drinking session a “no work zone”? Maybe post an overt sign on the door to that effect, and tell each person who comes in that actual work-talk isn’t allowed? Would you be able to tell your boss that you want this for unwinding and being friendly? Could you mockingly - or actually - “close the bar” for the night if work talk starts up?

5

As a guy who isn’t interested in many ‘guy’ things (like excessive drinking, sports, crudity and bullshit dominance games) I sympathise.

From your OP it sounds more like its your boss is the problem than the general atmosphere of your department. Does he have a ‘second in command’ that could have a quiet word with him? (ie someone you can raise your concerns with and that he may listen to)

In my experience any work environment with too high a gender-weighting in one direction or the other tends to be unpleasant, it really does take a mixed group to make things more enjoyable…though even a single self-declared alpha-male or alpha-female can throw that all out of whack.

Good luck and tell us how it works out!

6

Doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to change the guy, and I recommend you not make too many waves, of course. I would go to the ring leader of the ladies and be very up front and honest. You put this together thinking it’d be one thing, but realize now, it maybe wasn’t the best choice. It’s been transformed by, who we love but, anyway how about we go out for lunch every Wed, and take another shot at it? Ask her to think about it, feel them out, etc. See what she comes back with. Be really honest that you’d like it to feel less like a boys club.

With some discretion you should be able to pull off a few accidental get togethers, change up the locations maybe? Until it’s an unspoken kind of routine. Then stop the drinking date, slowly until it dies.

7

So change to a nice girly selection of wine spritzers for the next few weeks. Add some nice girly finger sandwiches and make the discussions hard core girly - menstruation, pregnancy troubles, female plumbing issues, rave about diva cups in the field <evil grin>

And when you [putative 9 month pregnant female] need heavy stuff done around the house to get ready to pop out the kid and bring it home, who is going to be there? Most women that are that close to popping or have just popped out a kid are forbidden from lifting, in case of a c-section frequently are on bed rest …

8

I agree that your boss is the root cause as stated above. You know better than me how to handle/ minimise his effects keeping in view the specific office circumstances.

What her mother there for then?:D;)

Seriously, wife is ill due to effects and or about to pop. Sure take time off. Wife just has a kid and want you want 2 weeks (or more) off? Great and congratulations. Want lenghty periods off because wife is going to have a baby…errr yeah get back to work and don’t bother me.

We digress.

9

Well, with 5 of the 8 people in your team being women, the main reason it feels like a boys club is that the #1 and #2 are both men. There’s nothing you can do about that.

However, I actually don’t think the white wine spritzers idea is too horrible an idea. It’s a subtle yet audible hint to the boss that this is not for his benefit but for the ladies’ benefit. Even a brief aside to him telling him so outright would be within bounds of appropriateness.

I don’t think your boss is sexist. He just sounds like he’s not very empathic and doesn’t get in touch with his feminine side very often (as mid-level execs for economic development specializing in combat zones often are). I think being blunt and telling him that you think it’d be a good idea for the women in the office to get a chance to blow off steam with light cocktails after work on Wednesdays, he should understand and not take it personally. Maybe suggest that he finances a Dudes-only afternoon complete with cigars on the last Tuesday of every month to compensate?

10

Sounds good. Bottled Cosmo mix and some… whatever the hell the hard alcohol is in it. Moscato d’Asti. Amaretto.

11

I am a woman, and I’m a big fan of booze at work, so let’s not make any hasty decisions there.

It’s an interesting issue, because it seems to be the perception of both your field, and your office. It might be hard to figure out what specifically can be done about your office in that case. It’s also interesting because in your role as a manager, you can certainly influence the atmosphere of your team, but that also puts you, as a man, in the position of trying to “fix a problem” for women, which itself is kind of a problem – not with you as an individual, but with the whole concept of men being the decision-makers and action-takers. (That’s more of a meta observation, I don’t really have a solution.)

So anyway, if I worked on your team, I would appreciate your being open to hearing my (and my coworkers) specific suggestions of what could/should/might change and how to go about doing that. I tend to look at things institutionally (because that’s my role at my job) and I would want to see evidence that you are providing ongoing professional development opportunities so that women – maybe these particular women, maybe women in general – can advance to higher positions in the organization’s leadership. So yeah, a long term goal. But the biggest problem I have when encountering boys’ club situations is the feeling that I will NEVER have a voice as a decision-maker. Even as a junior person, if I feel that my boss sees my potential and helps position my career in the direction of advancement, that is a great show of support, even while I understand that this isn’t going to happen next week, or next month.

Not wanting to attend a work social thing that has been co-opted by my boss’s boss isn’t really a boys’ club problem at all, that’s just, you know, one of those annoying things about work. I would try to schedule your social-ish event for a time when your boss is regularly busy, like if he has a standing meeting with donors or whatever it is that he does – that’s when you have your team-building time.

12

Actually booze at work isn’t the issue. It had been a place where people would stop by for a quick one on the way out. I’m talking about probably less than a shotglass worth for most people. Different people (including women) have brought things for us to taste. People are always traveling for work and coming aback with bottles from wherever. It’s pretty common in our industry, my wife and I first hung out drinking Kazakh tequila many years ago in a similar office. It’s pretty common in our industry.

Regaring me being a man and trying to fix it. That’s certainly not my intention. My intention is that I’m the boss and it’s my job to fix it, or I’m not very good at my job. I sincerely want to create a workplace where peole feel good about their jobs.

Usually these Wednesdays are pretty good times. People from other units stop by and chat. It’s nice because you end up hanging out with people who you wouldn’t normally socialize with. The hole things is maybe 45 minutes. People swing in, taste whatever’s on tap (last week an Indian single malt, okish) and then head out.

With my boss around, however it changes. There’s a lot more hardy laughter and a need for him to be the center of conversation, instead of a bunch of little conversations breaking out. The last time, he kind of stood in the doorway so no one could easily join in.

I’m trying to tread the line with my boss, who’s not a bad guy. I don’t want to paint too stark a picture, or he’ll sound like an extra from Mad Men. To give you an example, though, there is a woman who reports directly to him, she’s responsible for a lot of operations. That can mean that she is responsible for developing emergency medical evacuation procedures from Libya, for example, but it also means that she gets tasked with handling Christmas decorations for the office (a task that she had zero interest in). In general, she gets treated a little ‘office wife’ for her tastes and sometimes he gets pretty close to treating her like a secretary from 60s TV. This is a development professional with a master’s degree.

I’ve also noticed that he seems to value input from women less. For example, if a female colleague sent him a document, he’d read it more closely and critically than if it was sent by a male.

I find myself kind of sticking up for my people, because I’m their boss and that’s my job, but I’m having a little more conflict these days with my boss than I’d like. I do intend to talk to my people more about this in the near future (I’m currently in Kabul). I guess I’m just hoping this dialogue sparks some ideas for me when I get back into the office.

13

That’s still more than I drink, plus when I do drink it’s certainly not those. There needs to be a selection for “designated driver” types - not necessarily because there is one now, but in case there ever happens to be one, or simply for people who are feeling “off their feed” or who don’t want to explain that their period is late.

In Spain it’s customary for companies to give their employees gift baskets for Christmas, usually ladden with preserved food (serrano, lomo embuchado, dry sausages, nougat, jams…) and with alcohol; if you only get one item, it will be a bottle of an alcoholic drink. I once was in a company which let employees choose one of three baskets (you picked them beforehand to avoid getting wrong amounts) and asked “so, I see a vegetarian option but not a teetotalers’ option - when are we getting that one?” In the ensuing conversation, it came up that half the female employees didn’t drink the liquid parts of their gifts but handed them over to relatives or friends who did drink.

14

That would make me stop attending. Bleah! I hate girly drinks.

I think it’s time to close the afterwork bar. Maybe you need to come up with something you “have to do” on Wednesday nights that you can’t keep up these meetings. Then plan something else for the members of your team, like lunch every once in a while or meeting at a pub away from work where the boss doesn’t know.

15

Sorry we’re focusing so much on the after work drinks one night a week. It’s my fault for putting so much emphasis on it. I meant to use it as an example of the kind of interactions that are problematic. The after work drink has not been an issue in itself, the problem was that it kind of got taken over. If anything, I’d consider moving it to Thursdays and not tell my boss. No one is obligated to attend, no one is obligated to drink if they do attend. My company has a more formalized happy hour on Fridays in house that a lot of people attend, this was meant to be a more relaxed, very casaul event. No one complained about it, but a couple did say that once the boss showed up it wasn’t as fun.

Beyond the after work drinks one night a week, I’d be interested to hear thoughts beyond whiskey wednesdays.

16

Yes it is only one aspect - but that is what people are telling you. This is one aspect that is likely to be creating the atmosphere that you are wishing to change. Sure changing one social type event is not going to be the solution - but multiple people in this thread have clearly explained why an occasion that focuses on spirit drinking would exclude/alienate women.

Finding the small change are what will create a non-boy’s club atmosphere for all workers.

17

I don’t have a problem with the after-work drinks - they’ve worked well in my experience to get the kind of informal relaxed atmosphere you’re talking about and they appear to be a kind of industry standard thing, anyway, in your line of work.

Honestly, it looks like the main problem is your boss. I know you didn’t want to paint a picture of a Mad Men relic, but that’s kind of what’s coming across - he patronises his female colleagues, doesn’t trust their work, and makes everything all about him. He would put me off from attending social events, and I don’t even know the guy.

Is there anything you can do about him? Do you have a good enough relationship with him that you can call him out on some of his more outrageous behaviour? (And perhaps make sure he delegates tasks like organising Christmas parties to people with the right level of experience and at the appropriate position in the team, rather than the nearest person with ovaries?) I suspect it’s likely to be him making things not-fun, though I’m sure he’s not doing it deliberately. It will need someone relatively senior - and it sounds like you are - to say something to him, though, before he might take it on board. And it will almost certainly need to be a man who tackles this with him - it’s not about men fixing things for the women in this case, it’s that this guy comes across as someone who won’t take criticism well from a woman, and particularly not when it comes to gender issues.

If that doesn’t work/isn’t something you’d be comfortable with, does he have a boss that you could speak to? Do you guys have some sort of formal appraisal process where feedback is routinely gathered (ideally anonymously) from colleagues? That way, it won’t stand out as being just you complaining, and his boss can deal with it as a performance issue. Although if it’s something common to the industry, and across all the teams in your organisation, there’s a limit to what you can realistically achieve in terms of culture change. But that’s no reason not to try, especially if you’ve noticed it as a problem. You’re probably not the only one, after all.

I think asking your team if they have any suggestions is a really good idea. Even if the things that come out of it aren’t radical changes, as long as you actually implement them/explain why they can’t be implemented (yet), people will value being asked. (If you ask and then don’t follow through, people might well feel worse than if you didn’t ask at all, because they’ll have contributed effort and feel it has been ignored.) If you make it part of a regular “how can we improve things” type discussion, and keep track of things that have changed as a result of people’s suggestions, I think this could really make a difference to the atmosphere long-term, in terms of making people feel their suggestions are valued and acted on.

Also, more broadly, how much choice do people have about the way they do their work? Does everyone work fixed hours regardless of their outside commitments? (Thinking especially of family commitments, since these tend to fall disproportionately to women, but not only those.) This might be less of an issue in your line of work, but sometimes little things like having a proper flexi-time system can help people feel more valued because they’re treated like a grown up - as long as people actually feel they can take advantage of the system without their boss (or your boss) thinking they’re slacking. (This might just be me, but I’ve much much preferred the organisations I’ve worked in that allow flexitime, even if I never vary my hours, to those that require fixed times in the office no matter what. The latter feels a bit like school, which isn’t huge amounts of fun.)

This is long, so I’ll stop now, but I might come back if I have any bright ideas!

18

If the wimmin don’t want to attend “his” social meeting, is there any reason they can’t start their own? Seems logical to me.
Personally, the last place I’d like to be is in a room with a bunch of people talking about “wimmin’s” issues.

Why oh why do you assume that all men must enjoy cigars?
I like to talk about guy stuff, but if someone smokes one of those infernal stink sticks, I instantly vacate the premises.

19

I think this is the key, and I’m sure that they actually already notice this. The bosses I have worked for who stood up for their employees have been the greatest, and also my greatest examples.

You can’t change your boss, so this is why you just need to show your team that his way is not your way. What you can do is subtly make clear that you will not take “his side” as a natural matter of course because you are both men. I don’t know if that has come up really, but I know it often does with these kinds of people.

It does with my SO and his boss. He works in primary education (research), so they are surrounded by women. He and his boss are usually the only men, and for some reason his boss thinks that means that he can make inappropriate jokes or comments about women to “the other man”, and that he will understand because “they are both men.” My SO is just constantly working on making it clear that these comments, or even this kind of “among us guys” behaviour is not ok. This is much easier with dirty jokes, where you can firmly say it is inappropriate and you don’t want to hear them at all, but more subtle in other situations. My SO’s boss is becoming fairly well trained. He’s still a dirty misogynist on the inside, but who cares so long as it doesn’t show. It is also clear to everyone else who works there, and people will choose to speak to my SO. The team is great and everyone feels secure and happy despite this annoying boss.

So that would be my advice, though I realise it isn’t particularly clear. Continue the path you are on: support the people on your team, make it clear you are not in a boys’ club with your boss. If your boss tries to pull you into the boys club, subtly pull away and perhaps make a light-hearted joke.

Your team will absolutely clock your efforts, and they will feel comfortable with you. You can’t change your boss, but if everyone else feels good on the team he will just be one small factor and it won’t matter much.

20

They can, and I don’t.