Why don't you guys go do my job while I file my fucking nails?

The BBQ Pit
1

To all the men in my department,

Thanks so much for your help, guys. You know I appreciate it when you show me how to do things I haven’t been trained on yet. But god damn it, if you see me lifting something, leave me the fuck alone! Look at me, I’m not a sickly waif who is 70 pounds of skin and bone. I’ve got almost as much muscle as you, though admittedly I don’t have that beer belly that you balance things on. I do the same heavy lifting and moving you do in the hours when you’re not here. You know I’m trying to shake off 15 years of sitting behind a desk; that’s why I took this fucking job! Did you think it was for the money?

Don’t get in my way so that you can scoop stuff out of my arms after I’ve picked it up and am walking with it. Guess what: I’ve picked it up already. That was the hard part. Let me get where I’m going and I won’t smack you in the gut with it when I turn around, not knowing you’re there.

And don’t push me toward the computer so I can sit in a chair all day. If I wanted to do that I’d go back to making three times what I’m making now. I want to get up and move around, I want to move the heavy stuff, and I can do it just as well as you.

And stop trying to protect me from the really difficult work. Don’t shove me toward the easy stuff. Maybe you think you’re being a gentleman, but what you’re really doing is being annoying and condescending. I didn’t come here to watch you work. I came here to work. Let me do that.

No, I’m not Superwoman. If you see me trying to lift something which, if you were moving it you’d want help with it, come and help me, please. But if you could handle it by yourself, so can I. Don’t insult me by taking it away from me like I’m a toddler in the medicine cabinet.

And let me help you. I’ve done it before, you know I can do it. Don’t go out of your way to ask another man to help you when I’m standing right there, ready to do it. What the fuck am I, chopped liver?

I am not a delicate flower who needs to be protected. I am a human being with a job to do and the ability to do it. If everyone started treating you the way you treat me, how would you feel? Would you feel flattered, pampered, special? Or would you feel insulted, annoyed, and frustrated?

Let me do my job, please. That’s why our boss hired me, and I think that’s what she expects of me. And it’s what I need to do.

2

Fine by me! :cool:

3

<sighhhhh!> My hero! <swoon>

4

But what you don’t have is that silly little chemical that makes men act stupid… testosterone.

5

You go, sister, and good luck! However, one thing caught my eye in your post. Are you sure you’re giving your male coworkers all the signals they need? You see, if you’re a gender trendsetter (you indicated females in your job were a minority, but didn’t say if you were the first), the poor schmucks you work with will be in a quandry. They were brought up with a combination of chivalry and equal rights, and it can be damn confusing. Let me tell you, the brighter ones want to let you do things on your own and succeed without any more assistance than a man, but that goes against every “ladies first” tenet they were ever taught. Then, once they get it in their minds: Don’t help Marley, she needs to do things on her own, you end up lifting a 200 pound block-o-stuff by yourself, because they’re afraid to step in.

I’ve witnessed the introduction of females to a formally all-male workforce before, and it ain’t always pretty. If I had any meaningful comments, it would be to a) stick to your guns, and b) find the guy(s) who are willing to help you through this, and don’t be too proud to accept their advice.

Did that make any sense to your situation?

6

True.

[sub]But… ah… sometimes I think I drive like I do…[/sub]

7

Wisest Novel, you’ve hit on one of my failings. Almost every job I’ve had has been in an otherwise all-male or mostly-male environment. I’ve been the first female in the place more times than I care to remember. Hell, I’ve been hired to be the “token female”. (And was that boss surprised!) My reaction in every one of these situations has been the same: I fail to understand why I’m being treated differently.

Because I genuinely don’t understand the thinking behind the actions of these men, I don’t know what to do to make the situation bearable. Do they think they’re being nice? Is this what they’ve been taught they should do? Do the women in their lives expect this sort of treatment? Or are they doing this because they believe I’m inferior and need to be protected and prevented from harming something or someone?

As a result, yes, I end up lifting the 200 pound block-o-stuff by myself, just to prove that I can. Many years ago I gave myself a back injury that way. (“You think I can’t do this job? I’ll show you! I’ll do everything you throw at me!” Stupid, stupid, stupid…)

So chivalrous gentleman meets frustrated Marley, and an explosion is probably not far behind. What can I do to change this?

(Interesting aside: when I joined my rescue company, I was delighted to learn I was not the first female firefighter there. In turnout gear and sport bra I look just like the men, tasks are handed out based on who is there and ready to work, and we even share the same bunk room. The only thing that was changed when I arrived was the bathroom. They cleaned it for me. I’m not so proud that I’d be annoyed about that. :smiley: )

8

Oh, and yes, Wisest Novel, I think you’ve uncovered another problem. There have been other women in this department, but I believe they’ve kept themselves on “light duty”: paperwork, computer work, light lifting. I don’t know if that’s because they didn’t want to do the rest of it, or if they couldn’t, or if their job descriptions didn’t include it. But I think I am blazing a trail here.

Sigh.

9

Yes. Yes. Yes. Doubtful.

Cut them some slack. It could be worse. You could be getting sexually harassed, taunted for being female, and/or completely disrespected as unable to do your job in a man’s profession.

Sounds like they’re just trying to help. If a polite, “No thanks. I’ve got it” doesn’t do the trick, then just tell them, “I’m a big girl. I can do it, but thanks” (with a smile because you don’t want to piss them off). Try to appreciate the chivalry. After all, you don’t see it very often. It doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you. They just obviously don’t know how they’re supposed to act.

10

shrew, I’m asking because I don’t know, not because I’m accusing.

And yes, I am getting the treatment you describe (and far worse) from one person in the department. He’s an idiot and I ignore him.

As for the rest, I’ve tried everything from polite requests to mild frustration “I’ve got it, really. Please let me handle this. Thanks.” It isn’t getting through. I needed to rant (which felt wonderful, by the way,) not because this is a problem which ordinary conversation could fix, but because I can’t get through to these guys. They follow me around like tag team remoras, and it sucks. If I didn’t have a few hours every day to do my job without these guys around, I’d have snapped and yelled at them a long time ago.

Maybe it’s obvious to you that they don’t know how to act. It isn’t obvious to me, because I’ve explained the problem to each of them, and it seemed like I had their understanding when I explained it. And the next day I’d hear “I’ve got that! Get out of the way!” from the doorway when they came in.

Chivalry is only enjoyable when it’s welcome.

11

Um, Marley, I’m moving in about a month. If you’re not busy …

12

Sure Homebrew, I move all my friends. (The last one told her boyfriend to get lost, we’ll handle this.) You provide the truck and the pizza, and I’ll be there with bells on.

Well, I’ll be wearing gloves, too. The hands take such a beating that way.

13

Ah, I misread your intent. If they don’t listen, I don’t know what you should do either.

14

Ah pizza. The universal moving currency!

15

Could be any or all of the above. I had a similar situation when I was a parole officer, The men I worked with didn’t want to let me do anything remotely dangerous. We had fairly clear rules about who was supposed to be in charge of arrests and searches, and generally it was the person supervising the parolee. These guys would try to take over even when I was supposed to be in charge, and try to have me do things like watch the windows just in case the guy tried to jump from the 10th floor. At first, I thought it was just because I was new, and then I realized they didn’t treat a man who started the same day as me the same way. And that the women who were there before me not only didn’t mind, but would actively solicit this kind of help.It took well over a year of half-jokingly threatening discrimination charges when a supervisor walked past me to ask a man to help ,insisting on doing my own work, and once or twice saying " What kind of idiots are you? Do you really want me to get paid the same for doing only the least dangerous work?" before I was finally accepted.The next woman who wanted to actually do her own work had a much easier time of it.
Doreen

16

"In turnout gear and sport bra I look just like the men, tasks are handed out based on who is there and ready to work, and we even share the same bunk room. "

The men are wearing sports bras?

Sorry! Couldn’t resist.

One other thing that you should consider is that for most guys, the idea of just standing there while someone else is working is bad form. If they see you carrying something, their first inclination is to join in and help rather than watch someone else work. And I don’t mean watching women work, I mean watching anyone work.

17

I have very often had what is the reverse of this problem when I have a woman visiting and we are just hanging out at my place. After dinner she insists on helping clear the table and do the dishes. I can’t just say “thanks but no thanks, I’d rather do it myself”. It doesn’t work. I say, “look, you can sit here comfortably and keep me company while I do it”. Still doesn’t work. They’ll say “I 'm doing nothing”. I’ll say “you’re keeping me company”. One women got angry and said “You just want someone to pay attention to you!” (I’m still trying to figure that one out)

18

Hm, do you not want her help because you have your own way of doing dishes? Or because you don’t want her to have to do any of the work?

I gotta tell you, I would never sit there like a chump while the man did the dishes, especially if he fixed the meal. Wait Wait. I would never sit there like a chump while ANYONE did the dishes, male or female. I can’t speak for all women, but I would feel INCREDIBLY uncomfortable not helping. Besides, washing dishes together is a very date-like thing to do. It’s sweet.

19

Think I have to go with the untamed shrew here. I like it when it’s “let’s clear the table together,” or “let’s do the dishes together.” Besides seeming a little more natural to me, it gets you side-by-side and encourages conversation. And who knows, if you’re lucky, it might become, “let’s hit the sack together.”

The exception to this, of course, is when you’re already comfortably in a relationship. Then, it’s really cool to tell your SO to sit her happy ass down and let you do all the cleaning up.

20

Excellent point.