How do lesbians and bi women feel about men being aroused by their sexuality?

In this thread about girl/girl exceptions to monogomy (from the man’s point of view), Rala raised the interesting point that a lot of people view bisexual women as “basically just sexually adventurous straight girls”, and that bisexuality was not “heterosexuality with a cherry on top” (at least as far as men’s views on bisexual women went).

It’s no secret that lots and lots of men are turned on by seeing two women engaging in sexual activity, be it kissing or full-on sex. There’s been a lot of threads on the “Why are men turned on by lesbians?” question and I don’t plan to re-hash that in any detail, but there is an aspect of it which I don’t believe has been discussed as much…

I’m enough of a man of the world to know the sort of woman/woman sex you see in porn films is bullshit, but I’ve often wondered - how do lesbian and bisexual women* feel about so many men being aroused by their sexual orientation?

Is it a source of annoyance or irritation? Is it something which is just shrugged off? Is it something which is accepted/encouraged? Or something else entirely? And, of course, a bonus follow-up question: Why does it elicit that reaction?

*I’m wary of trying to apply definitions to “Lesbian” and “Bisexual” for obvious reasons (since sexuality can be a very individual thing), but I guess for “Lesbian” I’m meaning “women who are romantically interested only in other women” and for “Bisexual”, I mean “women who are equally romantically attracted to men and women”, as opposed to, well, the porn/pop culture defintiion. I’m not trying to be insensitive here, just trying to avoid the thread getting quickly derailed by people quibbling over terminology, so to speak.

I think the term you’re looking for is “women who have sex with other women,” don’t you? I don’t think “lesbianism” is particularly a turn on to most men - a woman having sex with another woman is the turn on. Most men know, and don’t care, that they women aren’t actual lesbians.

And most people don’t think bisexuals exist, much less are they turned on by them.

I find it anywhere on a spectrum from sexy <—> hilarious <—> eye-rolling <—> rage inducing, depending on how much I enjoy the company of the man with the opinion, their level of respect, the manner and degree by which they’re trying to talk me into being one of those women, and possibly how much tequila I’ve had that night.

If they’re neutral about it, or see it as a shared interest, that’s fine. Anything else would make me uncomfortable and I probably wouldn’t want to spend time around them. “Hey, do you think So-and-so is hot?” is OK. “Man, it would be so hot if you banged So-and-so,” is not.

I also get offended by the idea that a woman having sex with another woman wouldn’t count as cheating, for pretty much what Rala said–

People also tend to assume that LGBT rights should be less important to me because I ended up in a relationship with a man, and so I’m generally assumed to be straight. It doesn’t matter! This is what I am, this is how I feel, and if things had gone somewhat differently, I might have ended up equally happy in a relationship with a woman. The fact that I’m in a relationship with a man doesn’t make the same-sex interest any less legit or relevant.

I find it irritating in some contexts, benign in others. Lots of men like girl-on-girl porn, and I have no problem with that at all. OTOH, if they respond to any mention of lesbian sex with a comment about pics or it didn’t happen, only if I can watch, you know, treating lesbian sex as if it occurs mainly for male gratification, then that’s annoying and extremely dull. And it happens a lot.

None of the comments in the linked thread are like that, FWIW - saying your partner having sex with another woman is fine if you can watch is not what I meant at all.

“What’s wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don’t have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.”*

*Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, for the reference. Frankly I’m more turned on by seeing two women who I know are not lesbians engaging in very mild foreplay, like kissing, than I am watching two lesbians (or ‘lesbians for porn’) do their thing.

Sorry to be nitpicky here, but it’s important to the point I want to make. I am not the thought police, so what men are aroused by does not concern me. What does concern me is what men SAY or DO about being aroused by my sexuality. If they don’t say or do anything about it around me then again that’s none of my business. I am of course aware that a lot of men enjoy “girl-on-girl” porn, but I don’t see that as having much (if anything) to do with me. But if a man feels the need to inform me that he enjoys watching girl-on-girl porn, that he likes to imagine me having sex, that he would like to watch me having sex, that he would like to have a threesome with me and my partner/some other woman, or that he’d like to have sex with me to “straighten me out”, then that crosses the line. Groping me really crosses the line. So does surrounding me and a friend and yelling at us to kiss for their entertainment, something did actually happen to me once.

When I am the target of unwanted, rude, obscene, and/or threatening sexual remarks or behavior from men because of my sexual orientation I feel pretty much the same way about it as when I am the target of similar remarks/behavior just for being female. It’s at best annoying, and at worst extremely offensive and even frightening.

I agree with the general sentiment. Your thoughts or your habits don’t matter as long as you aren’t actively sexually harassing me. At which point it becomes gross and unwanted.

I am pretty neutral or bored by same sex/sex in general. But, one of the hottest things I have ever seen in my life was while sitting in a biker bar having a drink. None of the men were dancing and an attractive 40 something gal asked a barely legal girl to dance. Song was " Like Romeo and Juliet’. Before the song was over the younger girls hair was sopping wet and she was like jello. The older woman had seduced her in about 3 very hot minutes. I really would have liked to been a fly on the wall went they went home that evening.

I’d just like to take a moment to acknowledge that it took less than ten posts in a thread specifically asking for the opinions of lesbian and bisexual women for a man to come in and say how much he’d like to watch two women having sex.

Yup! Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?

Although I must admit I’ve never turned a girl on so much that her hair was dripping wet. Was it Honeybadger drooling on them maybe? :confused:


I thought it might be something like this, and I appreciate the appropriate contributions so far.

I figured the “Can I watch?” response or assumptions it’s only being done for male entertainment etc would be quite common but I had no idea people actually acted on them so frequently. I can see (and understand) how that would get tiring very quickly.

I am not a bisexual woman, or a woman at all, but before I started dating my second wife (we won’t discuss her sexuality here anyway) I dated a grand total of five women in my life and…wait really, four of them were bisexual? Only my first wife was straight, and of the five she’d probably be the last one I’d go on a date again with. There must be some name for my own orientation.

The first two bi women I dated…well the first never seemed to be aroused by much of anything, so I doubt she would have been too impressed if I’d mentioned I was aroused by her sexuality. The second woman was a kind of shy person who was flattered by my company but not much for opening up about herself; she didn’t talk much about what she liked about me or men in general. It wasn’t long before we amicably split up and she went back to dating women. So with her, I don’t know.

The third and fourth women, oh my god. They didn’t just talk about how much they enjoyed the fact that I seemed to be in to bi women, they admitted it was a major turn-on for them. So much so that girlfriend #3 started dating girlfriend #4 while I was still dating her because she thought I would have a lot of fun that way. (This wasn’t actually all that fun. I could start a whole “my polyamory nightmare” thread but it seems off topic here.) I think looking back they were more aroused by the idea that I was aroused by their being together than the actuality of it. Truthfully, they wouldn’t have made a good couple and if I hadn’t been in the picture they wouldn’t have been dating each other; they weren’t compatible socially or sexually and and the painful obviousness of this was, well, not particularly arousing.

Still, the concept that their bisexuality was something attractive to me was something that they both appreciated. #3 grew up in a homophobic household and later married a homophobic husband–just being able to admit that she was bi was liberating to her, and if somebody was attracted to it instead of repulsed by it, all the better. #4 had been more open about her sexuality in her life but she resented that people felt that her being bi was a way of “showing off” (as she put it) or that it just meant she was planning to bonk anything on two legs. I remember #4 saying to me that it meant something that I felt her bisexuality didn’t define her, but that it was one part of the picture that made up what I liked about her as a person. #4 had always been particularly upfront about her sexuality and I always wondered whether she was really turned on by the fact that I simply didn’t take her for granted. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to learn based on the above that our three-part relationship was wracked by insecurity and eventually foundered on it.

So I suppose there are four answers above there, and I don’t think that there is one answer to this question, just as with the four women I dated their form of bisexuality was so different.

This is a bit of a hi-jack, but this discussion reminds me of something that happened years ago. More than 10 years, come to think of it.
Going out for drinks on weekend as you do, you get to know people. I remember this one girl, a friend of a friend who would join the group once in a while and she was openly Lesbian. Never really spoke to her much, mainly because she was a rather quiet type, and didn’t say much within the larger group. Oh, and she was the butch type. Dressed like a man, rather than a girl. Short hair, jeans and t-shirts mainly. Never saw her in a dress.
Anyway. One evening, she and I happened to be the last ones at the bar, and we started talking. Knowing she was lesbian, I had simply no thoughts of having sex with her, but I was fascinated about her lifestyle. So, I asked her about what she looked for in a girl, did she prefer big breasts and all that kind of stuff that two guys might talk about. Then a thought occurred to me about how cool it would be to have a Lesbian friend when going out to pick up girls. (I should point out that I never did this intentionally, it just happens some times, back then anyway). So I told her how cool it would be if we could be each others wing men when going out. She laughed about it and even suggested we could take turns with the same chic. I think it was at this point she said something about wanting to watch and that she herself had never been with a man.
At any rate, last call was called out and I suggested continuing at my place and she followed and I did show her the gust room if she wanted to crash. Then we continued talking over a few more drinks.
As it got late, I said it was time to sleep and she agreed and then she followed me into my bedroom. Didn’t say another word, and then she initiated sex. To my surprise. I was not expecting it at all. The next morning, she didn’t say anything either, we were both a bit hung over, I think. And I never saw her again. She didn’t answer my calls or my texts and she stopped coming out with our mutual friend. I asked our mutual friend about her and she would just say she was busy or something.
Anyway, that’s my story and I go back to that event sometimes and wonder what happened? Why did it happen? Was she just “hetero-curious”? Or drunk? Combination? And what happened to her? Why didn’t she want to talk to me about it? I really wanted to be her friend despite what happened. As there seems to be some Lesbians on this thread, perhaps you could share your thoughts on what happened. Sorry for the hi-jack, but I think it might relate to the OP.

My answer is pretty much the same as all the other women who’ve posted. It’s fine as long as they keep it to themselves. I get why someone would be turned on by the thought of two people they’re attracted to having sex. They can fantasise all they want, it’s got nothing to do with me. I only have a problem with it when they start making it to do with me, like by insisting on telling me about those fantasies, or when they act like the most important thing about my sexuality is that it turns them on.

In the interests of full disclosure, I do find female/female sex a huge turn on, but there’s no universe where I would say, uninvited, to a lesbian/bisexual women “Hey, the fact you’re into other women turns me on. Can I watch/join in?”

I’m disappointed to hear so many people do, which makes you wonder if somewhere, somewhen, someone said “Sure! That sounds like fun!” to such a request, only serving to encourage boors since.

I have never requested it and find it generally boring to watch but have been invited to watch on several occassions. My quess would be more invites go out than requests. I would suspect the women would be expecting something from the man.

Given the right combination of youth, inexperience, stupidity, alcohol, and finding exhibitionism a turn on, I wouldn’t doubt that it happens.

But I’m really not convinced boors need all that much encouragement-- especially given the right combination of stupidity, alcohol and a belief that it can’t hurt to ask.

I only really get offended by their asking to watch, or asking pointed questions about how we have sex. The vast majority of men we meet out say we’re “incredibly cute” and occasionally buy us both drinks.

Multiple lesbians have invited you to join in with them in bed? I find that extremely hard to believe. Do you mean actual verbal invites to come and watch them have sex, and not expecting you to pay for it?