I’d like to hear from my fellow cohabitating dopers how you and your partners handle money. Since my wife and I moved in together, we have each maintained our own checking account. We also have a joint account, into which we each put a lump sum each month, and from which are paid joint expenses, such as rent/mortgage, car payment, utilities, groceries, etc. Each of us has the credit cards (and debt) we brought to the marriage, and things like dinner, movies, vacations and the like are handled on an “it all evens out in the end” basis. This system prevents a lot of friction, since we can buy whatever we want without criticism, but it has left us feeling a little adrift.
Four years later, its time to try something new. We would like to have our paychecks deposited into the joint account, which will pay for most everything, subject to some nominal approval. From this joint account, we would each get an allowance, which can be spent on whatever we please. My wife earns considerably more than I do but she has higher overhead as well. She works in a professional office, which requires professional clothing, whereas I am in academia so I can dress like a bum. She also commutes by train while I commute by bicycle. So our allowance would likely be proportional to income.
Anyway, I am eager to hear how other couples handle money issues, what you’ve learned, and how you avoid typical money problems, e.g. resenting what your partner buys. Any and all help/insight is appreciated.
Put it this way for starters, if money is an issue make absolutely sure you are on the same plane.
My anecdotal account of my finances with my wife>
I met her in grad school. I was bartending, not making ends meet and praying to the universe that I did go to grad school for a reason and was going to make enough money when I got out to pay for all this…
Well we both graduated and I was picked up immediately by my baccalaureate alma mater as an assistant prof. Two years later the assistant was taken away…
Anyway, back to when we first moved in together. She was extremely anal about the finances, and insisted on controling them. I had never been very good at organizing my own finances so I agreed. It’s been 8 years and she still does the finances…She has single handedly helped me climb out of the depths of financial hell and my credit now is damn good…But it has taken a long time. For her, she has always had outstanding credit…
Together we have several accounts, joint checking, joint savings, individual checking individual savings, a money-market, a stock, and our individual 401-k accounts. There are a few IRA’s and a Roth floating aruond in there as well.
As for resenting what your spouse buys…I personally do not resent anything she has bought, as it is her money she uses. Both of us make a decent wage so this is not really an issue for us.
However, if money were an issue, I can certainly see how resentment could breed from your situation. I would recommend having a talk about how you spend, and where etc…etc… and really getting on the same page with one another. I do not have a cite available, but I believe money is one of the largest causes of marital dysfunction leading to the Big D.
My wife and I share everything. She generally leaves the bill-paying chores to me, and periodically asks how much money we have in the bank. I try to make sure she always has some cash on hand, and she asks me if she ever needs more (she’s got a credit card as well, but prefers not to use it). All big-ticket purchases and expenses get discussed first, so there’s no resentment or surprises.
Mr. Levins and I have always considered our money to be equally available to both of us; we both bartend, so we always have a lot of cash…I’m the one with the bank account, but we both deposit our checks into it to pay bills. (When I met him, he was in the process of getting out of a failing business, and for awhile there he was afraid that if his name was on any account, his creditors would freeze it…til the whole thing was solved/cleared up/etc.)
We never have gotten around to getting him his own account, b/c we operate on a cash basis for most things. Neither one of us have a credit card (long story) so if we don’t have the cash in hand for it, we don’t buy it.
He’ll check with me on purchases over $100, and vice versa, but neither one of us are particularly concerned about it.
I know a lot of couples who fight all the time about money, but we’ve never been like that; it just isn’t a big deal. Our money is truly ours, with neither one of us in total control of it.
Hey! I remember you! your the guy that dismembered a refrigerator in your basement! And the USA Today box!
How are you?
Anyway, to answer your question, I’ve been married 3 times. We used different styles of money management.
The first was in the '60s. We met in the Air Force, so we both had paychecks. I gave him mine and he handled the money. If I needed something I asked.
Marriage II was much later, the '80s. We each had our own checking, savings etc. we also had a household account only for bills. We each put in half of everything owed. It was like room mates. It lacked trust. The marriage failed.
My current husband & I have, what I think, is a good routine. We have one joint account. We each use what we need, but we discuss anything over say, $50.00. We trade off handling the the account every 6 months or so. That way, we both know about what we owe, so no one feels slighted. We talk about what things are pending, what income we expect for the month long term plans and goals. Its not like we call a meeting, we just talk about it in our day to day conversation. We just communicate.
I’m a little more frugal than Phil, so sometimes I have to be the bad guy and say no, we can’t afford to quit our jobs & the sail around the world. Because we keep everything up front, we don’t have any resentment. We’re a team.
Phil says we use the KISS money manager = Keep it simple, stupid.
Joint everything. We both believe that you can’t operate a household unless you know exactly what you have to work with. I pay the bills every week so we know how much we have to put in savings and how much we can piss away. I start balancing the checkbook every month; fuck it up, and he finishes the chore. We only consult each other on purchases over $100. It works out well, and no one feels slighted.
My ex and I did the yours, mine and ours division like you’re using right now, and it worked beautifully. Truth be told, money was one of the few things we DIDN’T argue about. He bought all kinds of things that I thought were stupid and useless, but since it wasn’t with ‘my’ or ‘our’ money, I could be enthusiastic and share in his joy when he brought home the newest gadget.
Our bills got paid from the joint account, and our personal expenses were paid from our individual account. Our car payments and car insurance were considered ‘personal’, though, as I am more of an economy sedan kind of gal and he was definitely a sports car guy, and we were never going to find a compromise, so we each paid for the car we chose and drove.
We were both happy with the arrangement. What specifically is making you feel 'adrift?"
Mrs. Giraffe and I were in a situation remarkably similar to the OP when we got married. She is a professional who makes more than me, but has higher associated costs for clothing, etc. Before we were married, we had our own accounts, and each paid part of the household costs out of that. We both really liked being able to buy things without asking permission, and were worried about problems that might come from combining finances.
However, it hasn’t been a problem at all. We sat down and worked out a budget (which we occasionally revise) to see how much money we had left over after all the bills are paid each month, and how much would go to savings vs. personal/household spending. We each get an equal amount of money in the budget per month to spend on whatever we want (e.g. books, CDs, etc.), with personal spending beyond that run by the other person first. The other categories reflect our different needs – for example, she has a higher clothing budget than I do. I track our spending in Quicken to see how we’re actually spending our money, which helps us see how well we’re keeping within our budget/allowance.
It’s been really nice – we feel much more like a single family unit with shared finances, and it’s great not having to keep track of who paid for what. We were both surprised at how natural it has been, given our initial reservations.
Mr. S and I have always had separate accounts, and we’ve been married 13 years. Bills are divvied up according to income; when he made most of the money, he paid most of the household bills, and now that I make most of the money, I pay most of the bills. We’re both uber responsible about making sure bills get paid, and we frequently discuss what major bills are coming up and how we’re going to pay them, and also major purchases. We were both, er, cash-challenged in our early lives, so we both can be tightwads when we need to.
There was a similar thread over on Fathom recently, and one poster made a comment to the effect that you’re not really committed to the marriage if you don’t have everything in both names. I called bullshit. I love my husband to the nth degree, but my heart is not connected to my checkbook. Whatever works for the people involved, whether joint or separate accounts or a combination, is what counts and IMHO says nothing about the quality of the relationship.
My wife totally takes care of our finances, and all of our accounts are held jointly. I couldn’t tell you within $1000 how much we have in any of our accounts right now.
(Since I’m a tax lawyer and she’s a trial lawyer, most people are totally surprised that she’s the one running the books.)
My wife pays all the bills and tells me when I’m about to step on our fiscal dick with the credit card. I take care of the investment portfolio. That said, we both work and make respectable incomes and if one of us decided to blow the entire year’s salary on chicken lip futures…well…that’s pretty much our right to do so.
We do almost exactly the same. Only difference is we each have a checkbook, and keep each other informed about any checks written. This two checkbook thing will only work with good communication. Also, we aren’t usually close to overdrawn, so we haven’t had a problem with it.
We are absolutely in tune about money. We’ve maybe had two minor fights about it in 25 years. We both hate debt, and neither of us has any urge to buy big ticket items, unless we absolutely have to. We have one checking account, one savings account, and some money funds. Whoever is free pays the bills (mostly here for the past few months because I’ve been busy.) All bills go into a basket where they are visible. I balance the checkbook, but that is because I enjoy it. (I did it even before I enjoyed it - ie pre-Quicken.) I think this comes from having Depression-era parents who taught us about not being in debt.
We never ask each other permission to buy things, because we never would buy anything remotely expensive without fretting about it. (And not because we don’t have the money.) I don’t think either of us could stand living with someone who spent more than they made. Hell, I saved money when I was in graduate school!
I had a thread about this once. It was titled something like “Is a threat of divorce real?”
Needless to say, that has blown over and we are much more in tune with expressing our ideas about how the money should be managed. Mr. NVME has handled everything beautifully. Our only debt right now is our home and less than $600 in medical expenses. I make about $7000 more a year than he does. I sometimes feel like it entitles me to the world which is where threads like the above mentioned get me.
I wholeheartedly admit that I am inept with finances and he has rescued my credit. We have a joint account, I have cash available to me, anything major is discussed together. He knows darn well I could blow about a grand on a night out if I had the opportunity with the cards which is why I dont and never have. I love him too much to blow what we have worked hard to create.
This. Exactly. Our allowances are equal, even though he makes more than I do. But I also do most of the housework and take care of the bills. Large purchases which benefits the house (furniture, for example) get discussed.
The VisiBoyfriend and I have a joint checking/savings, and we each have individual checking accounts. Each month, we lump together all the bills; past debts, car insurance, everything. Then we split it in proportion to our incomes. We each pay half of our total owed out of each paycheck. And we don’t use the joint account for anything else; at least not without significant discussion, and a firm commitment to paying it back in a definite time frame.
Sure, sometimes there’s a disparity between income and debt, but this way each of us gets disposable income proportional to our paycheck, and we make sure that neither of us gets into trouble.
So far, it’s working well, and we’re paying things off steadily.
Things are going to get much, much more complicated when we go about buying our house. Eeek.
