Getting married and we’re debating whether to have joint or separate bank accounts.
Personally I think separate is much easier to maintain and manage. She thinks it’s insane and abnormal.
If it matters, we each have our own businesses, so our personal incomes aren’t regular (the businesses would, of course, keep their own accounts regardless).
Am I a monster for suggesting separate accounts?
IMHO…
Sure, a husband and wife can share a spoon dipped into ice cream but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to share toothbrushes.
When I was young it seemed that life was so wonde…ahem…sorry. When I was young my SO and I tried managing with seperate accounts. In short order home life devolved into a seemingly never-ending series of rancorous debates about distribution of financial responsibilites and equity of disposable monetary largesse. We were making each other miserable.
One day, over ten years ago now, we decided to try merging everything. We both closed all of our individual accounts and opened joint ones. We both have direct deposit into our checking account and our bills are all paid electronically on a schedule. We’ve even set up allowances for ourselves of the same amount every week. I have to say it’s possibly one of the best things we ever did…and probably a contributing factor as to why we’re still together.
…and all the birds in the trees, well they’d be singing so happily, joyfully, oh playfully watching me. 
I’m in favor of joint accounts.
IMO, having separate accounts seems like a fall back plan, like you don’t expect your marriage or whatever to last so you want to have an escape plan. Maybe I’m just young, inexperienced, stupid, or all three:smack:.
One of the funniest things I experienced as a bank teller was when a couple came in to withdraw money out of their separate accounts. The man told her he was withdrawing 50 dollars because that was all he had in his account. When I pulled it up he had about 380 dollars. She asked me if he really had 50 dollars. I responded “Yes, he has 50 dollars.” I didn’t mention the additional 330. He did have fifty dollars. What topped it off was when I did her withdraw, she said she only had x amount, and to withdraw that. When I pulled up her account, she was hiding money from him too!
Mr. S and I have happily managed with separate checking and savings for nigh on 20 years now. He’s so sloppy about balancing a checkbook, and I’m so meticulous, that if we shared an account I’d have to kill him. There are bills that I pay, and bills that he pays, and sometimes one of us might ask the other to catch a bill this month because they’re a little short. We’re both pretty conservative spenders, and we discuss major purchases beforehand, so there’s no “You bought WHAT??!!” Separate retirement accounts, each managed as the owner pleases.
We do have a few joint credit cards, but again, nobody makes any crazy purchases. One is for gas and is paid off every month, and the other carries some accumulated debt that we’re paying off, and we don’t use it anymore.
No kids (and hopefully none forthcoming), so nothing to plan for there. But I suspect we’d manage kid expenses the same way we do groceries: as we’re approaching the checkout, we ask, “Who writes?” (metaphor for writing the check; I actually use a debit card). Whoever’s feeling the most flush buys that round. Same for eating out. One of us might inform the other if finances are tight: “Can you buy groceries this week?” Or conversely, “Dinner’s on me tonight.” Or even “I got a big check today [I’m self-employed], so if you’re thinking of any major purchases, now’s the time to hit me up.”
He’d be happy to just give me his paycheck and let me manage all the money (because he hates doing it, not because he’s not capable), and I would be capable of doing that, but I refuse to dole out an “allowance” to a 53-year-old man who lived on his own for years before he even met me. I say he’s a grown-up and he can manage his own money.
Previous SDMB discussions on this topic have revealed opinions that couples who manage their money this way are somehow not as “committed” to each other (like Picard Kills Kirk up there). I beg to differ. We’re quite committed to each other; we just have separate bank accounts (and separate clothes, and personal hygiene products, and boxes of tea). (And different surnames too, so there, nyaah nyaah.) I actually can’t even imagine what confusion results from having two people with access to the same checking account, out there writing checks and making purchases simultaneously. Gah! Never for me. Being married doesn’t mean we have to share EVERYTHING.
ETA: I don’t think we ever even considered or discussed getting joint accounts. We had separate accounts when we moved in together, and just kept it that way after our wedding day. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, I guess.
I commend you for trying to come up with some resolution to this problem prior to the nuptials.
Been married/living together for 30 years and I’ve haven’t always been happy with the way money is spent. In the end, separate accounts and a joint account worked for us.
I assume you both are drawing a salary. Work out a maintenance budget to handle your joint living expenses, including all household expenses, and savings for joint vacations , future home, family nest egg, kids etc. This can continually be revised.
Personel expenses, clothing, toiletry, vehicular expenses, your toys (like a boat) , your fishing trips, spousal gifts etc come out of your own account.
One partner will always make more money than the other. The regular contributions to the joint account should reflect that.
To a degree.
However it is just as important the the individual accounts show a degree of parity in net income after the joint account contributions.
And of course their must be transparency between you two.
Hey, we are very happy with this arrangement. I’m building up a personal savings for I don’t know what, but it will be all mine, and my wife can keep buying all these useless thing for the house that I never use but seem to make her happy.
This is more IMHO territory as I doubt that we are going to get competing theorists of marriage counseling coming in to smack each other.
Off to IMHO.
Just to chip in: we have both joint and separate accounts. The joint account allows us to pay common bills while knowing where we stand each month and the separate accounts allow for some discretionary spending, (such as presents for each other), without giving advance notice of a purchase (or admitting how much–or how little :p) was spent.
This is the failure I see in having separate accounts. I don’t think it is an issue of lack of commitment, I think it CAN BE an opportunity for deceitfulness in the future. I have been around couples who merge everything, and I have been around couples who it would seem like they are nothing but cohabiting due to the amount of separation between what each does with his/her money. To the point where one doesn’t know how much the other really earns, has or spends whatsoever.
Transparency is paramount in any relationship (IMO). If you are able to allow that kind of transparency despite having separate finances, they that is fine. But if the separation tumbles you into a shroud of secrecy (which ultimately may lead you down a couple other not so great paths), then you should avoid temptation and go joint.
That is of course, unless one of you is a complete wreck at handling money, in which case having separate accounts would perhaps be a godsend. However, if your SO is such a wreck, to the point where you want your economy to be separate from his/hers, then you might want to dedicate some time to think if this recklessness wont in the future spell trouble to your relationship even with separate accounts.
My SO and I will have joint accounts, joint credit cards, etc.
My ex and I decided on separate bank accounts because we fought too much about money. So with us (given the result), it was obviously a sign of bigger problems, problems having to do with common values, priorities, and communication. It’s not a bad idea for everyone, but you should examine the reasons for wanting it to be one way or the other. Sharing at least one account (as others have suggested) seems like a great idea.
Welcome to being married, a state in which all the things you thought were universally normal and self-evidently better are re-examined in light of somebody else’s universally normal and self-evidently better things. And in which everybody else thinks what they did is certainly and self evidently the best way.
The real answer is: do what is most supportive of your marriage. What was best for you/your future bride/your parents/her parents/your great-aunt Sophie’s cat may or may not be interesting but has little to do with what is best for the two of you. In some cases the best thing will be joint accounts and in other cases it will be separate accounts and in other cases it will be some other thing. Because the real answer is, it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you get on with each other in salving the problem. If you are being made to feel like a monster in this process, that is what needs to be dealt with, not the accounts. If she is being made to feel that you are more interested in mine and yours than in ours, that is what needs to be dealt with. Once you deal with those things, what to actually do with the money turns out to be childishly self evident.
You have to try to get on the same team and stay there.
My own spouse tried to get me to be responsible for the accounts before we were married, due to his fundamental laziness really. I did it for many years; then we moved countries and I found myself illiterate (whoops) and unable to figure out what was and was not a bill. When I tried to pay a credit balance to the bank, he took over everything paid in euros and I still pay everything paid in dollars. We have separate accounts by currency but both our names are on each. I don’t recommend this because it is wildly impractical for most people (though if you do it, get a USAA account, they are brilliant in this area).
So do what facilitates the two of you having to worry about this matter as little as possible. You will have enough to deal with without coming up with things to figh- er, debate about.
I think it’s fine to do either separate or joint, depending on what works best for you. However, I’m a little bit confused about the quote above.
My wife and I have a joint checking account which is our primary account (where our paychecks go, bills are paid from, etc.). We both keep an eye on it, know how to access it and can make changes, but most of the time I’m the one who ends up doing the day to day management (it was my account before we got married and the Quicken file is on my computer). I don’t think it’s ever crossed either of our minds that we’d be giving each other “allowances” or not managing our own money. We each have a credit card and a debit card (and know where the check book is), and when we need to purchase something, we do. If it’s a big purchase, obviously we discuss it first, but other than that, we just do what we need to do. I’m not sure how having separate accounts would make this any easier. I guess if one of us didn’t trust the other to spend wisely, it could be an issue, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case for Scarlett67.
Again, I want to be completely clear that I’m not criticizing Scarlett67’s way of doing things – obviously it works well for her, and that’s great. I’m just curious to understand more about the thinking behind it.
While I’m here, I’ll briefly pitch a few reasons a combined account works well for us.
[ul]
[li]Either of us can pay any bill or make any routine purchase at any time without having to worry about “keeping it even” or who has enough money.[/li][li]If we want to make a big purchase, all of our available cash is in one place – no need to transfer money around or pay in multiple chunks.[/li][li]Both of us have instant and simple visibility into our overall financial position (which I think is important for the relationship regardless of how the accounts are organized).[/li][li]Fewer accounts to manage means less time spent playing accountant.[/li][/ul]
Anyway, do whatever seems right, but I do think there are significant pros and cons to each approach, so it’s worth spending some time talking over.
We’ve always done it the joint way. Joint everything, except IRAs & 401ks which by law cannot be joint.
Having lived in a community property state for most of our lives, we’ve always had the understanding that for all practical purposes, once your married legally all your money is joint anyhow. If one person runs up a debt, both are liable. (Yes, nitpickers, I know pre-marital property is separate unless/until commingled.)
Given that reality, trying to maintain separate accounts seems like a pointless fiction as well as an invitiation to tit-for-tat thinking. Quick, whose turn is it to pay the garbage collector? Sheesh.
If you have really different attitudes towards money & spending, or one of you has significant pre-marital assets, those issues need to be worked out first. The trivial detail of one checking account or two is just that, a trivial detail.
Marienee is very wise. Heed her words.
We have a joint savings account and a joint account for all shared bills. We each have separate checking accounts for personal expenses. It works well because my wife is much better with money than me, but I still have some money to piss away while still maintaining the household.
A friend told me that he and his wife do this - an idea that I thought was sound: They have their own accounts and a joint account. 75% of each salary goes in the joint account and is used for running the household. Mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. Each then has 25% to spend on their own interests.
Folks seem to function perfectly well with every conceivable permutation.
On possible influence might be how comfortable you are dealing with financial matters. In our case, we simply prefer to have fewer financial statements coming thru the house than more. You might be in a different position with the separate businesses and all the accounting that requires/involves.
We don’t feel any great need to keep much financially from the other. I don’t begrudge anything my wife wants to spend money on, so long as when I want to spend money on something it is there. She usually (always?) asks if I mind that she spends on something more than $50 or so, or at least tells me whether or not she is asking “permision.” But I can’t remember anytime I objected. And I just tell her when I’m planning on spending more than $50 or so, simply because she does the budgetting and I don’t want her to be hit with an unexpected charge or something.
We do everything jointly - banks, stocks, credit, houses and cars. The only slightly uncomfortable thing is you know the other is going to know how much you spent on a birthday present or whatever. And I bring home well over 90% of the household income. So if we didn’t do everything jointly, then it would be a weird situation where I’d basically be funding a household account and giving her an allowance - which is not how either of us wants to arrange things.
Heck, I don’t carry much cash either. I find when I do, it just evaporates. And we don’t use ATMs. Instead, we just get cash over purchase when at the grocery, or use the bank drive-thru. (I generally keep a few bills in my wallet and golf bag for “off budget” card games and golf bets.)
That’s a symptom of deeper problems, not a result of having separate accounts. We don’t lie to each other.
I meant that he literally would be thrilled if he could close his checking account, sign his paychecks over to me, and let me pay the bills and give him walking-around money for lunch, coffee, etc. He HATES doing math, writing checks, balancing accounts, etc. He CAN do it, and does it competently, but he just doesn’t enjoy it at all.
It’s not that it makes it any easier, it’s just how we do it. As I said before, there was no big discussion or plan; the bills got paid out of our separate accounts when we lived together, and it continued that way when we got married. Having that piece of paper didn’t change things.
We really don’t worry about “keeping it even.” When Mr. S made the most money, he was responsible for most of the bills. When I went self-employed, I was more likely to get large checks all at once, so I covered large, irregular expenses like lumber for the house or vacations, stuff that Mr. S might not have a wad of cash for. Then he got downsized and I’ve made the bulk of the income since then, so I pay most of the bills. When he finally got a good job, I turned a few more bills over to him, and he also buys groceries and dinner more often. It comes out in the wash.
Not sure why this would be an issue. If we’re talking about a large purchase in a store, a credit card works nicely and then we just pay the bill; either I might pay the whole thing, or he writes me a check for his share. It’s not a big deal. For a car purchase or something with payments, well, we just decide whose payment it will be, again with the flexibility that once in a while the other one might pay the bill.
We talk to each other.
Ten minutes a month to balance a checkbook isn’t a huge commitment. I think our way is actually simpler because we don’t have that third joint account. As I mentioned before, to me a joint account to which two people have simultaneous access is an invitation to disaster. I can bounce my own checks quite nicely, without having someone else helping me. (I actually bounce checks VERY rarely, maybe once every 10-15 years.)
I should mention that we do have what the bank calls “agent” status on each other’s accounts, so that, for example, if one of us is incapacitated (though that’s not necessary, just an example and our main reason for having it), the other has easy access to the other’s accounts. So we CAN withdraw from each other if we need to.
What sort of fiction do you mean? It’s just places where we keep our money. Our money IS used communally; we just don’t run it through a bank first.
Tit-for-tat? We’re not four-year-olds fighting over a Candy Land board. The bill got paid? Great!
As I described, we generally have His Bills and Her Bills to pay. <let me think> He pays one car payment, the house payment, two car insurance bills, the LP bill . . . <sighs and gets out the chart> I pay my life/disability insurance (business expense; I’m self-employed), phone, fax (business expense), communal gas card, Netflix, my credit card (no longer used, just paying the balance), Internet (mainly a business expense), one car payment, one car insurance payment, and my retirement contribution.
Vet bills, groceries, eating out, entertainment, and incidental expenses get paid by whoever’s feeling flush. Sometimes we borrow from one another (he doesn’t carry much cash, and sometimes borrows a buck or two before he goes to work). Sometimes if he has a big check and leftover cash, he’ll write me a check to cover more of the bills, because I usually pay the lion’s share because I have the larger income.
(Perhaps oddly, we don’t have His Car and Her Car. We have different vehicles for different purposes. Generally he takes whatever car gets the highest mileage to work – currently the new Aveo. But yesterday he took the van because it’s a comfy ride and he was still sore from being sick. The old crappy Ford Aspire is used for taking dogs to the vet, garbage to the dump, etc.)
Right before we got married and I was still in college, I got laid off from my job in my last semester. I didn’t relish the idea of trying to find a part-time job AND concentrate on finishing school, so we agreed that he would just support me until I got a real job after graduation. At the time I kept meticulous track of which of “my” bills he paid (half the phone bill, half the rent, my credit card, etc.). There was never really a plan for me to “pay him back,” and he wasn’t concerned about it. But I sure paid him back over the last several years, when he got downsized, took several crap jobs in a row, and made practically nothing. I basically supported us both then, and we had higher expenses by then, of course.
So perhaps there was a bit of “tit-for-tat” there, but we think of it more as making sure we each pull our own load than griping because we think the other person isn’t. When I had to give him pocket money because he was broke, I did it out of a sense of taking care of him, because that’s what spouses do for each other – not so I could hold it over him later that he owed me $XX.
It just amazes me how people read all kinds of motivations into the idea of a married couple having separate accounts. As long as the bills get paid and we don’t fight about money, what’s the big deal?
Some friends of mine had a main joint account, but also had personal accounts where there were Standing Orders to pay £X per month from the joint account into each personal account.
And often the permutations change over the course of the relationship.
When Brainiac4 and I first set up housekeeping, he was financially treated pretty much as a boarder in my house. He paid me for his share of the housekeeping. Since he moved in sometime during the first date, this arrangement made some sense (we did know each other for the previous ten years).
Eventually, we moved to a joint account for household and shared expenses and we each kept our own account for which we both got the same allowance. This allowed him to buy comic books out of HIS money and me to buy whatever the hell I was buying back in those days with mine. This worked very well for a number of years and fit us well.
Then two things happened pretty much at the same time. The first is the kids arrived and we no longer had a need for our own money since we no longer had independent lives. The second is that we got caught in the dot com boom, and saw our incomes increase - he didn’t have much opportunity to buy comic books, but if he did, he wasn’t denying me my manicure. We’d also managed to establish spending habits based off of three years worth of allowance.
The situation now is a little more nebulous than anything before. We have one joint account. I have a number of accounts out there generally in my name only that I stash money into. He is one of those people who spends money if he has it, I’m a natural saver. In reality, its his money too, and he knows about it, although if you asked him if we had an ING account he’d say “huh?”
My own preference for starting a marriage to to keep some money set aside for you - an allowance. As long as both of you have some money of your own to spend, you won’t say “$75 for SHOES!” and she won’t say “$150 for your WoW Subscription for the year!” (or whatever vices you both have that the other wouldn’t approve of spending money on). This assumes you have enough coming in to be able to afford things like shoes and MMORG subscriptions. If money is so tight that there is no discretionary spending, then one account is fine.
Yes.
Plus I just plain don’t like the way the guy spends money; that is, wildly. His philosophy is “If you’ve got it, spend it.” Mine is more like, “Having enough money to do what you like is all well and good, but there will be a rainy day, and I don’t want to get wet.” We split the expenses pretty evenly, and we both know not paying our fair share is unacceptable. It was unacceptable when we were broke kids living with roommates, and it’s unacceptable now. So long as he doesn’t stiff me on his part of the financial responsibilities, I don’t care what he does with his money. The same would be true even if we had a joint account. If I were earning all of the income, while he idled about, contributing little or nothing to our “joint” account, I’d be equally upset. The reality would remain the same: I’m still bearing all of the financial responsibility, and he’s not doing shit. Who cares if the check I write to pay the bills has my name on it, or both of ours? And I’m not talking about a temporary layoff or anything. I’m talking all-out slackerhood while I scramble to pay for rent and groceries, which is never okay.
We’re both grown-ups. We can live with our own financial decisions without being unfair to the other person, regardless of whether or not our accounts are linked. It’s called not being a jerk to your spouse. Plus my husband was 33 years old with his own banking accounts when we got married, and I’ll be damned before I tell a 33 year old man what to do with his money, and monitor his spending. And I’ll be damned before anyone monitors mine.