I struggle with this, over things that only I am stressing about, ugh.
It usually inspires an internal conversation reminding myself that I don’t HAVE to care about this thing. In fact, I CAN simply choose to not let this thing annoy me. ( I can’t change it, it’s not my business, I’m not a hall monitor, it’s not worth getting stressed over!) Landing on, I will NOT care about this. Then me repeating I am CHOOSING not to get upset by this. Moving from, ‘getting upset’, through, caring too much, caring less and numerous other gradations, ending inevitably with, ‘ I CHOOSE not to give a …,’ …you get the idea, I’m sure. It’s entertaining and distracting at the same time reinforcing I CHOOSE NOT to feel THIS way, about THIS thing.
After a couple of times around this exercise it becomes like a thought choice or a switch I just mentally turn off caring about THIS, so much. (I can care, if asked, I can share, even get a little worked up. But it’s the choice that makes all the difference somehow.)
Some good thoughts/mental exercises to work with. Thanks.
One thing that always bugs me is when something mild happens, where I think I was entirely in the right and acting courteously, but someone else acted rudely - later that day or the next day I’ll find that the event pops into my mind, and I KNOW the other person isn’t thinking about it.
Sometimes I wish I were the sort of person who could just blunder through the world, solely thinking of myself, oblivious to whether or not I was inconveniencing anyone else.
I often think that stupid* people have, in some ways, a happier life, and an easier one. If I could choose, though, I still wouldn’t want to be among their number.
meaning people who habitually don’t think, regardless of ability to do so
The local bike shop has this thing where they take people (read tourists) to the top of the pass, and they coast down.
My wife was on the path overtaking them, she said ‘On your left’ and the person thought that they where supposed to move to the left. And did. My wife ended up in the emergency room.
I admonished the bike shop for not drilling these folks about the basic courtesies that are expected on a bike path.
My trigger is aggressive drivers. It is much less of an issue now that I am retired, but I regularly encountered jackasses (shocker, I know) literally every day of my commute.
I feel there is a bit of substance to my stance, as these fools are not just endangering themselves, they are endangering others (that is, me) with their immature and selfish recklessness.
So I invented a little game for myself. Every day I anointed a driver that day’s AOD. (Asshole of the Day). It was amusing at times and occupied my mind. Often, the leading contender changed as I would encounter someone exceeding the assholery of the previous leader. There was never a shortage of candidates.
In retrospect, I should have maintained a database and each January award one AOY.
In general, I change my mind about something because I find out new information or because I consider and accept the point of view of those who are in favor of what i don’t like. Using your example of “e-devices”, I would try to think about those who are physically limited and wouldn’t be able to participate without them. I would think about how “e-anything” is yet another step away from fossil fuel reliance and towards clean, renewable energy. It might not completely change my mind, but it would reduce my angst and make me more patient.
You ask a very good question. I have, on a couple of occasions, adjusted my attitude, and it made me much happier. But I’m not really sure how i did it. Acceptance, maybe?
As to e-bikes, if it helps any with empathy: i don’t think the point of e-bikes is “fun” as much as it is “effective car-free transportation”. I’m sure actual usage is mixed, and some is just recreational, but “easy way to reduce your carbon footprint” is certainly how they’ve been “sold” to me. So maybe it would help if you think of those riders as people who are anxious to get somewhere efficiently, rather than as people just trying to enjoy the ride.
I guess. But who is unaware of the concept of slower traffic keep right? When we periodically encounter someone blithely strolling along the left side of the path, my sister often says, “I guess we are in England today!”
Which brings up another tactic. My sister and I are on 2-3 hr rides, yakking about anything and everything. So too often we talk about path courtesy, and try to dissect these brief unpleasant interactions. Maybe even talking about it causes us to give them too much room in our brains.
Part of the problem here is that there’s an element of “moral panic” about e-bikes, as seen in the quote above. A significant portion of the biking community thinks that using an e-bike means you’re “doing it wrong”, and that drives their opinions about them. They’re already looking at the e-bikers with a sense of mild disgust, and so it’s easy to latch on to every example of their behavior as proof that they’re the worst people in the world.
So, part of the answer to the question in the OP is “Stop being so prejudiced against other people’s choices.”
Ah, interesting. I have knee issues and can’t bicycle. I’ve actually been investigating e-bikes as a possible way to reduce my own carbon footprint. They might make it practical for me to do light grocery shopping without a car, for instance. I’m not certain enough that i can use one safely (safely for my knees, that is, because i gather you still need to pedal to some extent) to buy one without actually trying it, and trying is hard enough to arrange that i haven’t.
But that’s another thing to put in the “con” column. People are going to be all judgey about me if i do it. Oh well.
Cyclist snobbery? Oh, yes, I see it all the time. Part of it is that, as people on bicycles, they can break every driving rule in the books and blame everything wrong on the “evil motorists”.
I have found the same here. A more effective and safer alternative is to say “Coming up!” when overtaking someone - without saying “left” or “right” seems to be less confuzling, and they keep riding straight.
I am an avid bicyclist and I shake my head at least once on every ride at stupid and douchy behaviors by other bicyclists. There seems to be something about bicycling that draws it out in some people.
They’re great for exactly that usage! I use mine for groceries quite often in the summer months.
How much you need to pedal depends on the type of bike you buy. Some do require you to pedal in order to activate the motor at all, but others come with a throttle, so you can ride it on the motor alone. Mine has such a throttle, and I find it makes negotiating intersections a lot safer - I can focus on steering rather than trying to pedal fast enough to stay balanced.
There might be places you can rent one to try it.
Yeah, that would be another part of how to learn not to be so bothered by other people: Realize that someone else on the trail thinks you are the asshole. I guarantee there’s some pedestrian out there grumbling to themselves about those damn cyclists blowing past them, shouting “On your left!” at the last second, like that makes it all better!
Carry on as you wish. As I said upthread, I do not intend to spell out my views on e-bikes or try to convince anyone to think one way or another about e-bikes. They are clearly here to stay and are gaining popularity rapidly.
I would frame it differently. Changing your attitude towards something doesn’t involve actually changing your mind. You don’t have to make yourself believe something different about the subject.
No, the solution is just realizing you can’t control your automatic thoughts. You can only control how you react to them. You don’t have to embrace them or dwell on them. You can acknowledge that you had the thought, and then move on.
What makes unwanted thoughts linger is that we concentrate too hard on making them go away. This is counterproductive. They will go away–they always do.
It’s just “don’t think of a pink elephant.” You can’t not think about the thing you’re trying not to think about.
That’s the mental exercise I use when I think things that I would prefer not to. Accept that they happen, and don’t dwell on them. Let them go away on their own. They always do.
You’ve already done all the more logical thinking. So this is what’s left.
The one big thing I’ve sort of changed my mind on is legalizing pot. I’ve always been anti-pot. But with the strong trend to legalize it, I’ve had to come to the conclusion that it’s a colossal waste of time to keep the prohibition efforts going. And I’ve examined my feelings on it and realized that what I really don’t like is pot culture rather than the stuff itself. All the pot-heads in college and afterwards always pissed me off and continue to do so. But that’s a whole other thread. For this thread, lets just say that I examined the issue and focused on the source of my opinion rather than just beating the same dead horses in my arguments.
So I’ve decided that an approach I’m going to try is to distract myself when I perceive something. If I see the kids out front riding their minibikes, as soon as the image enters my mind, I intentionally look away and think about something - anything - else. When biking with my sister, if I see an e-device, I look away (other than sufficiently to maintain safety). And w/ e-devices or rude path users, I asked my sister that we not discuss them afterwards.
Still in early phases, but seems to be beneficial so far. I acknowledge that these things exist but also that I am powerless to do anything about it. With a little effort I think I can reduce the amount of space/time they take up in my brain. Because thinking and talking about them wasn’t accomplishing anything other than having me dwell on something I find unpleasant.
A work in progress, but seems promising. Thanks, all.
I do this whenever I spot a roadkill. I know it will be unpleasant to see, so I intentionally look away before I have a chance to get a better look until I am past it. As a result, I cannot replay what I saw, and can just move on with my day.