It seems like a lot of people blast through their '20s full of energy and conviction that they are RIGHT, as opposed to their parents and other old fogeys who are WRONG.
And perhaps their experiences demonstrate that they are correct, or maybe not.
My parents were only 21 when I was born, so I remember clearly how confident they were about their knowledge; they had ALL the answers. But time has proven them mistaken about many, many things, and nothing turned out as they planned. You’d think I’d get a kick out of being proven “right” after all, but it’s actually kind of awful to watch.
Fear’s another great motivator, for people who are raising children and need to provide for them. I got through the first two years of my twins’ lives on pure adrenaline.
Others use fear of failure to their advantage - Bob Greene wrote an interesting piece about successful men who’d been cut from Little League as children, and how that motivated them in their careers. Apparently it happened to Dan Rather, of all people.
In my 20s I was motivated by things I thought might happen, mostly centered around me being a Brilliant Artist. Didn’t turn out that way, but most of the time I’m okay with that because I generally enjoy the life I’ve had instead.
Today my grandfather died, and my parents seem old, and I just don’t feel terribly hopeful or energetic.
So I’m wondering, what’s keeping the other 40-somethings on here going?
And, how are YOUR parents aging, and is that affecting you?
I won’t be 40 for another 4 years yet but I’ll answer the 2nd question.
My parents are in their 60s and have been divorced for around fifteen years now. I noticed that as I’ve established myself in my life as an adult, they somehow reversed roles with me.
I’ve had to bail my dad out of jail about 3 years ago and go to court with him. My mother had problems paying her bills for a while and had to move in with me until her house was sold (She’s got another in Fla. that she recently moved into).
The stories go on and on. They’re getting me back for stuff I didn’t even do to them.
Well, I know now that I’m nowhere near as smart as I once thought. I was probably a lot like you, fessie, except in my 20s, I didn’t think things might happen; rather, I knew they were bound to happen. I, of course, was going to be a star at whatever I did. Boy, was I disappointed eventually. Not only did I not know it all, but I had so much else to learn too.
And even after I learned much about the career I ended up in, and was good at it, I was still restless. I liked learning; I accepted the fact that I didn’t know it all, and I relished the challenge of learning more. What new things could I learn? I ended up going back to school full-time, actually. Anyway, because of this, I look at life as an exercise in learning. The older I get, the more I learn–and the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. So I need to learn more, and so on, and so on.
As for your second question, I learned my own mortality years ago, when my mother died suddenly and unexpectedly. They said it was genetic. If it was passed down, I’d better learn faster before my own genes kick in and kick the bucket for me!
On a more sobering note, my Dad, who is in his late 70s, was rushed to hospital late last week. Dad lives 2000 miles away. He will be fine, thankfully. Still, for the period of time between hearing Dad had been rushed to hospital by the EMTs and the time we heard the straight dope over the phone from the doctor, I was examining my own mortality. It wasn’t a great weekend.
I was a social worker in the early 1990s at an org that provided services to senior citizens, and I met some tough, cool, totally alive people in their 80s and 90s. As a consequence I’m looking forward to being an old man myself.
You’re only 40-something; you’ve got another half a lifetime (and maybe then some) stretching out in front of you, and it’s all yours to do with as you please.
You’re not obliged to kick the world in its collecive ass, but folks twice your age have done a decent job of doing so, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.
Continually interesting new things keep me energized. Much that I thought I knew has later appeared right, and much wrong. I embarrass less easily now, which is a big help.
From my parents? Not much - maybe some examples to avoid.
My mom died at 68, so I never saw her turn into Really Old Lady. Since her death, my dad (who is 77) has maintained a vibrance that most of my “under 60” friends are envious of.
He walks the mall every morning.
He reads the paper front to back every day.
He reads lots of different kinds of books (currently tackling Pynchon’s new one)
He loves movies and records them onto DVD as a hobby.
He practices his drums a couple times a week.
He does his own housework and shopping (and gets all the bargains)
He sees friends and family regularly.
He stays on top of current events.
He’s funnier than hell.
I think you just have to force yourself to stay in the game. My dad says he hates walking the mall, but he does it because it’s good for him. He’s a great conversationalist and truly enjoys people. While there are signs of ageing (memory and some confusion are a bit disconcerting to me), he’s basically in good shape. I’m so glad he was able to pull it together after my mom died. It would kill me to see him fall apart from a broken heart.
Well I’m in my mid-30’s and my folks are in their mid-late 60’s. I was the last of three children andboth parents were over 30 when they had me.
To answer your 1st question, I keep going by getting involved in as many civic, and environmental activities as my wife and I can handle. I work in the Environmental field and after the blur of my twenties I basically slowed waaay down and stopped trying to save the world and concentrated on saving myself and bringin environmental awareness to mylittle corner of the earth. Connecticut.
My wife and I do not have any children yet, and are excited to start a family. we chose to get married and stay married whilst we learned about each other and what life was like to be in a partnership with another human being. Now the joy is turning tides and we are ready financially and emotionally to have kids…Biology will dictate the rest.
My father is a Navy Vet and does his exercises everyday like clock work, I see nothing in his future tha would not lend to him living to be a centurian. Mom on the other hand tries to keep her weightdown and the family together, if she’d stop living in the 80’s she may enjoy the 2000’s a bit more.
In all I believe ones outlook on life and the humor they find therein lends a heavy hand to life and love and all that. We only get one go around, so why not worship your body, and live healthy, and enjoy the little things?
I went through a slump period in my early 40s, I thought it was that I was having difficulty recovering from some rather severe operations.
Turns out I was having problems absorbing B12. Once that was discovered and the levels got back to normal, I am now feeling better than I have in years and years. I truly cannot describe the HUGE difference that I feel.
I guess my point is, you may be feeling a 40’s slump, you may only be going through an emotional slump, but you may have some true physical issue. Go see a doc, get some tests.
But at that point, is it a drive like I inferred from the OP, a zest for living, a wish to continue and to grow?
Doing things because you have to certainly gets you there (or somewhere anyway), but I don’t think it’s the kind of motivation that leads to the extra spark that makes other people go, “Wow, I hope I’m like that when I’m that age.”
I’m not 40 yet myself, but I’ve found a renewed drive that I just didn’t have in my twenties. For me, it’s all about having interesting things to do and new ways to learn. I figure that once you stop learning stuff and/or enjoying life, you might as well just quit. Is drive like love, something hard to define, but you know it when you see it (or at least hope that you do)?
My grandfather was an outstanding example of a man with that kind of drive. He died last year at 91, but not six months before, he’d taken us all on a cruise. He was always learning new things, and wholly embraced each piece of new technology that he could find. If I’ve ever met someone with a zest for living, who truly enjoyed life, and who was contagious about it, it was that man. We knew he was ready to go when he lost that spark (well, and he told us).
I would be incredibly lucky to be half the person that he was, and at half the age.
I’m 48 and my parents were old-school. I was raised by depression era adults who knew how to raise kids. Neither of them went beyond high school but they never stopped learning and taught me more than I ever learned in college. And yes, there was a certain smugness when I got out of college until I realized how much I actually learned from my parents. My dad may not have taken calculus but he knew enough math to build a house from scratch with no formal training. My mom had an ability to sneak in all the lessons of life without me knowing I was in school.
To answer the op question: I fuel my drive by learning new things because knowledge opens up the world to me.
Thanks for sharing your stories and opinions, I learned a lot from what you’ve said.
Interesting that it’s mostly elderly MEN who’re drawing so much admiration – is that because most Dopers are male, and thus inspired by their own gender? Or because women are more invested in nurturing others than their own growth? Clearly, 3 posters isn’t a large enough group to be statistically significant, but I do wonder; that “back seat” supportive role I’m in now, as a mother, is an awkward fit.
Spoons, I’m sorry for your father’s illness; I hope he continues to improve.
Black Train Song - we’re in pretty much the same boat over here. Your point about your parents being bigger “rebels” (screw-ups?) than you ever were resonated with me - dh’s parents and mine have done things that flabbergasted me, over the past 15 years. It’s like the people who raised US are already dead, and flaky, unstable, irresponsible people have taken their place.
You do have a point there. My grandmother is still alive, but somehow she always faded into the background a little when he was around. I don’t know exactly why that is; she’s the one who always had a steady job, and she’s the reason their family up and moved to this country. She was there on every adventure of his, but she wasn’t the driving force behind them. She was more the eye-roller behind the scenes.
But now that he’s died, she’s coming out into her own a little. She’s going where she wants to go, and doing things that interest her for her own sake. She’s always going to be a more introverted person (but then, almost anyone would be more introverted than my waitress-ogling, airplane-flying, flower-eating showman of a Grampa) but now we can see who she is a little more clearly. I’d say she does have her own version of a drive, it’s just not as flashy. Or silly.
Just a follow-up. I spoke with Dad via telephone this evening. He’s doing well, he’s home from the hospital, and is sounding chipper and cheerful, although it will be a while before he gets back to his regular activities. His friends are aware of what has happened, and have made sure that he will be looked in on (Dad continues to live in his own house), and that he has plenty of groceries and visitors and such while he recuperates. And, they know where my sister and I are, so should anything further happen, we will hear promptly.
It’s a relief. But I must thank you, fessie, and the other Dopers, for your concern. It means a lot. Thanks again!
