How do you cope/get-over being unattractive/plain-looking/ugly?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Speaking as a female, it’s not all about looks, you know, the attraction women feel for men. Women are attracted to power and money (see Henry Kissinger and Phil Spector, who never lacked for girlfriends and got hit hard by the ugly stick), which we all know. But we’re also attracted to a lot of smaller things, too, that if you package together can work in your favor.

I know it’s a cliche that women look for a guy with a sense of humor, but we do. We also value intelligence, confidence, being interesting in some way or another, too. Being passionate about something - anything, really - makes you attractive. When we’re talking about something we love, we light up, and happy people are attractive people (see every bride at her wedding).

I personally get all jelly-kneed around super intelligent, geeky guys who love sports. There is something about that combination that strikes all the right notes with me. You will rarely see me with a super good looking man - both because I’m a pretty plain woman and they aren’t attracted to me and because I don’t care too much for self-involved men who spend more time on their grooming than I do.

Dress as nicely as you can afford and keep your grooming in tip top shape. Woman’s reptile brain equates those two things with good providers. And we are attracted on a visceral level to good providers. ZZ Top had it right, every girl IS crazy about a sharp dressed man.

And most of all, smile. Happy people are attractive people. I have three large dogs, and some people really don’t care for my critters, thinking they are going to relieve themselves on their lawns or some such. When I’m walking the critters, I always smile at people I pass, compliment them on their pretty yard or the nice color of their car or how well-behaved their children are, or something that will make them feel good. The next time I come walking by with the critters, no more stink eye. Instead I get a smile and a hi-how-are-you. Such a simple thing, really, but incredibly effective. Try it. You’ve got nothing to lose.

42

There’s lots of good advice in this thread. I’ll just add to the chorus:

  1. Improve your attitude. It’s hard to like somebody who feels sorry for themselves.

  2. Maintain excellent hygiene. Keep your nails and hair trimmed and clean. Shower regularly. (Gently) swab your ears. Give up smoking, if it’s your habit (it makes you stink). But, please, for the love of god, don’t bathe in cologne.

  3. Start bodybuilding. A man with a great body is attractive to women, regardless of what his face looks like. I’ve seen this many times.

  4. Dress impeccably. Make sure your clothes are ironed, clean, and stain-free. Tuck in your shirt. Keep your shoes shined. Even better, start dressing just a little more formally than those you are around. Start wearing suits. Add a pocket square and a tie clip. Invest in a nice watch. Sweat the details.

  5. Don’t be a slob. This suggestion bleeds into the others. A slob doesn’t have good hygiene, or dress particularly well, and is unlikely to eat welland exercise faithfully. But it goes further…take pride in how you do things, and people will start to notice.

Now, none of this gets you to the point of being able to actually develop worthwhile, meaningful relationships. That takes personality, charm, wit, and sincerity. But it will help make you attractive.

43

This attitude is very off-putting and self-defeating.

If you think that your physical attractiveness is all that matters AND you don’t think you’re attractive then you will indeed struggle to have relationships.

We’ve advised you to listen (as it makes you attractive) - please listen to the advice here.

44

I’ll just reply to all of this at once. Women value looks just as much as men and unless you meet their standards for attractiveness (I don’t), this advice wont work. Women say looks don’t matter but when you evaluate their behaviour it’s no different to men.

To the guy bringing up celebrities, that’s not helpful advice at all since those women are only with them for money. On top of that you’re talking about 1% of people whose success cant be reached in 10 lifetimes let alone 1.
So what does getting hobbies, charm and a personality do? It makes your overcompensation painfully obvious to women who would never date you as the one vital component is missing; looks.

I am pretty confident that guys who have girlfriends don’t give a toss about ‘padding’ like hobbies. They probably didn’t even consider this stuff when asking a girl out for the first time because they knew they were good looking. Their girlfriends don’t give a shit about their hobbies either and are content with sitting at home and watching a movie together.

Do you really think they said to themselves “oh shit I don’t have enough hobbies to get a girlfriend” Of course not since it’s a ridiculous line of thinking.

However, this is excellent advice…for making friends.

45

If you have time, read Bukowski’s Ham on Rye. Yeah, he is famous for dirty stories, but this one is the autobiography of his fictional alter-ego as he goes through his school days. Being young, he can’t get into so much trouble, though there are still plenty of naughty bits. The gist is that he develops acne vulgaris, extra severe acne all over his body that lasts for years and ultimately leaves him scarred. Most of the book is him trying to deal with this, being the poor ugly kid at a rich high school watching everyone else get the girls.

Basically he turns his predicament into a strength- his peers are untested by adversity and lack substance. In the end of course he becomes a famous author and it just doesn’t matter- He’s Charles fucking Bukowski!

46

Hey, if you didn’t want any advice, you didn’t have to post. Just stay home and tell yourself how fabulously attractive all of us must be to have found loving relationships.

47

You’ve never dated anyone ever. You know less than nothing about women, since what you think you know is false. Yet you think you know better than what dozens of other people here have been kindly trying to tell you.

You are the “kissless virgin” here, by your own account. Most of us have actually had contact with other humans in our respective preferred genders for such things. What makes you think your lack of experience has given you some sort of superior insight? Do yourself a favor and get out of your own way. An ugly man with a good personality, a sense of humor, some self-confidence, or ambition, or passion, or skills, or anything positive at all really, can be in a relationship. If you can’t even be arsed to do anything to improve yourself as you’d rather cling to the belief that the only variable that matters is out of your control, you deserve what you get.

48

My advice was about how to be better looking, so you didn’t reply to “all of this at once.” How often do you work out? How careful are you about what you eat? What kind of clothes do you wear? Do you keep your shoes shined? Do you wear a nice watch? How well are you groomed?

I doubt you’ll answer, or even take a moment to consider these variables, because it sounds like you prefer to wallow in pity, which fosters a very unattractive look.

So, in the spirit of actually giving you what you want (which is to become “comfortable” with not being attractive):

  1. Become a curmudgeon. Everybody else is stupid or boring. Why would you possibly want to waste your time with them?

  2. Use drugs and alcohol. It will contribute to your bad looks, but it will offer a source of entertainment that doesn’t necessarily require others to be present.

  3. Focus exclusively on your career. While others are dating, go back to the office and do more work. Make more money than other people so you can treat them with the contempt they deserve.

  4. Hire a prostitute (or, if that makes you squeamish, become a regular at a strip club). It will help you deal with any physical needs you may have without requiring you to develop any sort of connection to other people.

Good luck!

49

Depends on the woman. What kind of woman are you setting your sights on?

50

Very little danger of you accomplishing even that much.

51

I just came in to thank Count Blucher for his post. I thought it was pretty profound.

52

Take a quick look at all your coupled friends, and you will realize that everybody appeals to somebody.

53

Making friends with women is how you date them. It is how I do it anyway, and I’m closing in on 25 years of serial monogamy (and I’m not good looking. I am fit and employed and I like people). A relationship with a woman IS being friends with her. Because the two of you are straight and opposite genders, sex is an option. ‘Make friends’ IS the advice you need to follow. Once someone is your friend, they don’t care so much what you look like. Sure, this doesn’t help you get a string of one night stands like the movie stars, but that is a lousy way to live anyway IMHO.

Go someplace crowded sometime and look at all the married couples. Yeeeeesh! Mostly they aren’t pretty. Yet, they’re married. See?

54

Charm, wit, charisma? There are folks out there who overcame lack of beauty/great looks…using other attributes. Look at Kelsey Grammer…able to attract wives younger and younger with the power of his money.

55

smart move, Have we ever had an author who fans thought were dreamy cuz of their looks?

56

Just pretend you have money.

57

Yeah, you’re right. When you refuse to make friends with women or treat them like human beings worth your time, and ONLY deign to associate with them if you believe they will eventually put out – women find that attitude INCREDIBLY unattractive.

I think we may have found the root of your problem. Protip: it ain’t your face.

58

Too much deception in this thread.

59

Except women will only see me as a friend never someone to date.

60

Because you are a whiny sad sack with low self confidence and a defeatist attitude, not because you are too hideous to date.