There’s a lot that’s great about my life. I feel very fortunate and grateful. A lot of the things I feel grateful about I never expected to happen for me.
Also there’s been a lot of struggle, some big flaws, a lot of day to day dealing with the minutiae of being human, and some real tragedy.
Every so often someone will throw a little envy my way and I’m not sure of the best way of dealing with it. Often it is phrased in a “must be nice!” way and if I possibly can I will answer with some version of “It IS nice! It is so fantastic and I feel so incredibly grateful and lucky, I never expected this, what a delight!”
Sometimes it comes with self-criticism (of the envying person), "sigh, I wish I was as [actual good fortune redacted] as you, and then saying “It IS nice!” seems a little jerky.
How is the envy that comes your way phrased? What do you think is the best way to respond?
I try to keep my good fortune under wraps, but yeah, I’ve been very lucky and sometimes it shows.
The one thing about me that incites the most envy is that I’m small and skinny. When I get that “must be nice” kind of comment, I usually say “yeah, too bad my boobs never grew in!” or, “well, I wish I had great skin like yours!”
I am a naturally pompous, pretentious, condescending person and am possessed of an ego massive enough to bend light which passes near me. I take envy as my rightful lot in life.
Not sure. I’m not sure why anyone would envy me. Even asking the question (how to deal with other’s envy) seems like humblebragging. If any of my friends envy me, they keep it to themselves, like most mature, socially well-adjusted people would. And I just don’t get worked up over maladjusted feelings directed at me by people who aren’t my friends.
You don’t really have to reply at all. Sometimes if someone asks me too personal a question, I remain silent, then I ask them a question about themselves, (very politely). This takes the focus off of you, and puts the “spotlight” on them.
Are you my sock puppet? Cuz’ that is me entirely, like one of the people who envies me wrote it. 'Cept when something tiny goes wrong and I can sound like a thousand babies drowning an an infinite ocean of self-pity.
But seriously, I’m so incredulous of any compliment that I generally just stare wide-eyed at any compliment or sign of envy.
I have heard this a few of times, all from the same person. I don’t think I said anything memorable in response. But of course I have a whole bunch of after-the-fact snappy comebacks I could have said.
A person who says something like this in a snarky way deserves whatever snippy remark they get, IMHO.
I’d have to hear the entire conversation. Rarely have the “must be nice” responses come up around me in conversations without a lot of cluelessness on both ends.
If the envy comes in the form of a genuine compliment for something that I’ve worked at, or a skill I’ve developed, then I use a simple “thank you,” ignoring any underlying resentment.
If the person is seeing only the good side of a situation that has both good and bad, or that I see primarily as bad (this is the most common type of envy I receive, where people think I’m so lucky to be in a situation that I don’t feel is lucky or even desirable), then I gently point out the down side.
If the person is putting his or herself down with an unfavorable comparison to me, I try to compliment him or her on a quality I admire, or point out what I think is lucky about his or her life.
For me it usually comes in the form of how it must be nice that we can afford to go on this vacation or that trip.
The implication is that we have much more money than they do. We don’t.
The reality is that we spend our money differently. I could look at them and say, “It must be nice to have very new cars, lots of things and go out to dinner a lot.” What I usually say is something to the effect that we work hard and save up because vacations are a priority for us.
Those sort of statements have either not been made in my direction or, equally probable, I have been too clueless to even notice them. Cluelessness saves me from lots of angst I think. If I wasn’t really clueless I think I’d act as if I was and ignore it. If I had to respond somehow else be rude maybe just a shrug and if that was not enough maybe a “sometimes somethings go my way … for now anyway”?
Envy that takes the form of unvoiced (or at least poorly articulated) resentment, that I have had to deal with. (Dysfunctional family of origin crap.) And I’ve never figured out a way to deal with it well. One of my greatest failings.
One year, I had all kinds of fantastic things happening in my life, including some glamorous travel in Europe to take in a bunch of venues that were new to me. I simply could not believe my life was so wonderful. A friend was asking me about all my travel plans in a room where several others could overhear our conversation. One the others spoke up with a bit of bile in her throat, saying “Well, I envy YOU!” And I gave back, “Heck, I envy me! I simply cannot believe this is happening to me. Who’da thunk it? I never did!”
A lot of people laughed, including the envious one. And I’m glad she did because she is a good person who could use a few lucky breaks.
Why not ask them what they envy about you? They see you from a different view than you do.
The only possible thing that people have ever acted envious about with me is that I am unburdened by kids. “I slept til noon!” “Must be nice to not have kids!”
I remind them that my life is meaningless and hollow and I will die alone after a miserable existence, since I don’t have kids. And then they agree and we go about our business.
