Frustration is something that is inevitable in life as no-one gets what they wants all of the time. I often am very patient, but when I do get frustrated and I find it very hard to deal with. I used to keep it all in until it would explode in horrible burst of anger that would actually scare people I knew and lost me a few friends as well as getting me into a few awkward situations (don’t get me wrong never violence, just total adrenaline fight-or-flight reaction causing red face and apparently scary-eyes and saying a few things I regret). Naturally I have learnt this is probably one of the worse ways of dealing with frustration and in such a situation nowdays I would simply do a volte-face and walk away), but I still do not think I handle it very well as I always feel I could handle situations which caused me to become frustrated infinitely better if I could be my often calm and rational self.
How do people handle frustration? Particularly in the face of on-going situations? How do people stop it from building up?
Frustration comes from lack of control. Just being aware that you are upset because you lack control can be helpful. Then you need to analyze the situation in terms of what you can and can’t control. The Serenity Prayer is a helpful guide:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Whatever situation you are finding frustrating, ask yourself if there’s anything about it you can change, and then take those steps.
If you can’t change the situation (the most likely cause of frustration), then you need to recognize and accept that being frustrated or getting angry is not going to make things any better.
I typically find it helpful to think of what useful thing I could channel that frustration towards. I know it can be very difficult to bottle it up for a long time but I find directing it at something constructive helps. There was a while I tried being Buddhist and one of the things that really helped was meditating. Try to stay on the middle path, don’t give in to the complete and total fury and never give in to complete and total exuberance. This was incredibly difficult for me but in the long run, it has been to my benefit. Not to say things don’t get under my skin (inconsiderate noise still just destroys my calm) but there are things that help.
It really depends on what you’re frustrated with. If it is people, it is good to try to talk calmly to them about your frustrations. The other day my boss made a stupid suggestion about accounting records and how overall data was input, not the specifics. I calmly told him I was very frustrated that we weren’t needling it down even harder. His perspective was that he didn’t give a damn how we got to the final number, as long as it was correct. Above my decision making authority, so I have let it go.
Good suggestions, particularly about acknowledging that the frustration is coming from lack of control and channeling frustration into other things.
I think for me the problem is I least feel that frustration in itself can be very much part of the problem in that, whilst I cannot expect ideal outcomes, the outcomes I get are probably worse because I felt I just had to react to the situation.
Understand that emotions are triggered by thoughts and not by circumstances.
When you’re stuck in traffic, you do not become upset because you are stuck in traffic. In order to become upset you have to have to first think that you don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic.
Once you understand that thoughts trigger emotions, you can control your emotions by controlling your thoughts.
In order to stop getting upset about being stuck in traffic, you have to challenge the thought that you don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic. Well? Is it true that you don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic? Are you more special than everyone else stuck in traffic with you? Did you really have something better to do with the hour you lost in traffic?
If you are dealing with frustration over trying to achieve a goal and failing, then question whether other people achieve the same goal after a similar amount of effort. Then question whether becoming frustrated will help you achieve your goal faster.
I currently have a very (potentially) frustrating situation on my hands. I find if I focus on the present moment and look for whatever grace I can find in my current circumstances that it makes everything much easier.
Talk to friends you trust. They’ll help you figure out what you can change and what just sucks and has to be lived with. Find something so ridiculous about the situation that you can laugh.
Again very useful advice Lakai, I just feel it is unfortunate sometimes that I know these things but then let them go. To be fair to myself though when the lack of control is completely evident such as being stuck in traffic these are the situations where I actually tend to be more calm.
I once had a job, without going into the specifics, where I generally worked without any supervision or assistance, part of which involved keeping 50-100 people whom weren’t there entirely of their own free will waiting, sometimes for almost a whole working day. They were kept in a waiting area, but also for completely legitimate reasons not being able to tell them why they were being kept waiting and not really being able to completely predict myself how long I needed to keep them waiting. That was a lesson in human frustration and how to deal with frustrated people! I can conclude from that there are some situations that very few people will not become noticeably frustrated.
Obviously this has come from a situation that I have had to deal with very recently, one thing I would ask for advice on is how do you deal with a situation when someone has frustrated you, but in allowing yourself to be frustrated I’ve been unfair to this person. I feel quite happy to say that I was unfair, but it seems to me the danger in only acknowledging that some of the quite reasonable points I made, in an albeit not in the most effective manner, could be disregarded.
Try this practice; when you’re alone and calm, not thinking about your frustration, make a little mental note. Next, purposely think about the thing that makes you angry, frustrated, whatever. Once you’re all lathered up. Stop and take an inventory of how you’re feeling now. Remind yourself you were very calm just moments before. And that’s pretty much it.
It’s sort of an object lesson in the reality that we can, and do, choose our emotions, and can indeed control them. If you do this a couple of times a day, for a week or so, you might be very surprised at the change that takes place in how you deal with frustration.
(I learned to have a higher tolerance for frustration when I was caregiving for 6 long years! I can feel your pain, and wish you good luck with this!)
Power metal is the answer. Extra volume helps. (Actually, it’s not even power metal, but the very best song for dealing with frustration, for me, is Aenima, by Tool. I’m not linking anything because the lyrics are so NSFW.)
It might not help you at the instant of the fight-or-flight response you describe, but it helps wonderfully with the cooling down period afterward. There are several bands and songs that just take all that frustration, wind up and send it off so I can get back to being focused. I suppose everyone has their own tastes in music, so find something that works for you, but it is the most reliable release for me.
For the more immediate reaction, it helps me to look at the situation from someone else’s perspective. If I’m frustrated by traffic, I focus on the fact that a million other people are equally frustrated by traffic. If I’m frustrated by what some person is doing, I force myself to see the scenario from their perspective. Sometimes, this change of perspective helps me to solve the problem, but most of the time, it just lets me see that getting upset is not going to produce the results I want.
Thanks everyone all the advise has been useful (I’m not sure power metal is likely to be my thing , though once a long time ago when I became the most stressed I’ve ever been I once listened Kurious Oranj by The Fall on repeat for about 2 hrs as it had an oddly calming effect).
I sometimes feel like I have really gotten a handle on anger and frustration but I still have at least 1 trigger I can think of and it always seems to involve customer service. Some good advice above. Just simply accepting life is difficult and wont always go your way will help immensely. Acceptance is the key.
Much of the advice that’s already been given is good advice. I’ve found that praying can help a lot. If I’m in a situation, such as being stuck in traffic or waiting for a plane flight that’s been delayed, I deliberately turn my mind to praying and it often makes the frustration vanish. Another thing that works for me is to consider all the ways that I’ve been fortunate in life: born into a good family, had a good education, always had enough to eat and a place to live, &c… I recite this list to myself and it makes my current troubles, whatever they are, fall back into their proper perspective. Another tactic is to simply take a long-range view of the situation. Will the current source of frustration even be remembered twenty years from now? If not, then it’s not worth being frustrated about right now.
As a temporary relief measure, I go out for a hard, fast bicycle ride. When I was more of a runner, 5 miles would normally be enough. The physical exertion tends to make you forget about the problem and clears the mind.
Next I try to look at what is causing the frustration and what I can do about it. If I’m the problem, try to fix myself. If it’s the job, maybe get a new job or transfer to another division. Problem with friends? Maybe new friends. And so on.
But I found that the best way to avoid frustration is to not give a crap as much. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff and almost everything is small stuff in the big scheme of things.
For me I have found it is useful to understand that there are 2 separate steps involved: reaction & response. Reaction is how something makes you feel, response is how you behave. For many people they do not separate the two. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking they are one-in-the-same, as moving from one to the other is often split-second.
And I have found that it is common that a feedback loop gets established between the two. If we ALWAYS respond a certain way then we link the response (behavior) to the reaction (feeling), and that reinforces the reaction. The opportunity here is to reprogram the reaction by linking a different response to it - in order to de-escalate responses that are negative or destructive.
An example in very simple terms:
Reaction - Anger, Response - Hit, yell
Instead try: Reaction - Anger, Response - count to ten
Eventually anger dissipates, and over time you train yourself to have the anger dissipate quicker.
The bottom line is that you don’t have a lot of control over your reaction, but you do have control over your response.
This reminds me of a cognitive therapy technique for dealing with unpleasant situations - it’s called the three P’s:
Ask yourself
Is it pervasive? Does this situation affect your entire life, or is it only impacting one tiny part?
Is it permanent? How long is this situation going to last? Is it, as ITR champion suggests, something that’s probably going to be gone in a day, or a week?
Is it personal? Is this something that’s specifically directed at you, or is it a situation that a ton of other people are currently facing, that really has nothing to do with you?
Thinking about a frustrating situation in terms of the three Ps can be very helpful in putting it in perspective and helping you to remain calm.
I have to say this excellent advice so far as I was able to have a very constructive day today. One thing I know well, but can be very hard to put in to action is that if someone provokes you it’s best to completely ignore the provocation as a first measure (as obviously sometimes you can’t and shouldn’t ignore it) as it takes all the power out of their provocation.
While I never got as upset as you, when I was younger, frustration would often make me cry or feel completely worthless, which could set up several hours, if not days of being blue. I still get frustrated, but my “cure” for it is to always have a plan B.
It doesn’t mean I never get frustrated, but if I can turn that energy to something else, or maybe just self-soothe or something, it greatly reduces negative reactions to frustration on my part.
A small example. One of the few silver linings to the gov’t shutdown was that I had time to do some stuff around home that has been waiting in the wings, so to speak. I put up a hook for a stained glass window hanging that I’ve been putting off, and then when I was finished, I couldn’t remember where I’d put the stained glass window! ARGH! A small frustration yes, but irritating anyway since I’d put it off for so long,and then “YAY” I’m doing it"! “Oh wait, no I’m not…grrrrr”. So I put up hooks under the kitchen cabinet and hung the coffee cups instead.
Another example, when in the gym you go to a piece of equipment and some idiot is resting in between sets ON the eqpt (that’s a pit thread, gym etiquette). I always have a back up machine in mind.
(I still don’t know where I hid the stained glass window).