Yeah. I’m sure some kids start drinking to have fun and end up alcoholics. But I think the majority of underage drinkers just want to have fun. Hell, adults have been known to throw back a few too many because getting drunk can be a fun experience. Doesn’t necessarily make the drinker an alcoholic.
This is the most critical part. I’m the oldest of 3 kids (23, 19, 15) and we’ve all handled alcohol differently (admittedly, the 15 year old has yet to fully explore it). My uncle just passed away - we’ll never know if it was from pancreatitis/cirrhosis or another reason. My father drinks heavily when the stress is high, but my mother always diverts him and always finds a way to relax him without booze; he only drank extensively when they had a trial separation.
The 19 year old brother received (and got out of) a DUI. He drank every weekend, smoked pot, took drugs (nothing too hard, but pills, etc). He was sent to a boot camp run by psychology PHD’s, and it largely straightened him out. He doesn’t smoke pot or take drugs anymore - or smash windows to get into vacation homes anymore - but he is your average college kid. My parents went to hell and back with him. I drink minimally. The 15 year old tried alcohol, hated it, and hated the way it made him feel. I doubt he’ll drink in the future, even socially.
Your daughter sounds like my 19 year old brother in the beginning; immature kids like that need bounds. Do you pay for her cell phone, will she or does she have a car or use of a car? Put those out of bounds for her if she drinks excessively. Also, is she a good student or concerned about college? I never drank in high school because a few parties were busted and kids were given underages, and you have to report underages on college applications (at this point, any serious 4 year college runs your records, so there’s no lying about it either). Perhaps deter her with the immediate consequences, like losing her license, getting an underage and suffering with colleges, loss of privileges from you, etc. It’s good to stop this negative behavior early on.
What’s kept my 19 year old brother on the straight and narrow since the boot camp is talking to my parents constantly. He talks to them more than my 15 year old brother and I do combined. More than anything, your kid needs a lot of parenting, a lot of adult intervention. Talk to them almost constantly - but never seem like you’re trying, try talking about other things first, like school or their friends, or the activities they’re involved in. Then segue into drinking. Have family dinners often. Encourage her to talk about what’s going on in her life. Talk honestly about your life. The more that talking is commonplace, the more she’ll feel she can tell you what demons are going on in her head. Be firm, too. I watched my own parents initially let my 19 year old brother set the boundaries and rules and they were permissive with the punishments. Above all, make sure you and your SO are on the same page about everything. A dual effort is needed - one parent can’t be weaker than the other.
I’m giving you the perspective not of an adult with kids, but as a kid who watched her brother piddle his life away in high school, and how my parents’ parenting tactics factored into the equation early on. Take that as you will.
There’s a good chance it won’t go anywhere, but the small chance that she could become an alcoholic (since a parent is) and that she could get caught and suffer the consequences when applying to colleges are very real.
I’d look into some illustrative volunteer work. Go as a family to cook food at a soup kitchen. Volunteer to read to the children in a homeless shelter. Point out to your kids that alcohol and drugs are how 90% of these folks get into this situation. . .
Otherwise, she’s looking for boundaries, so give her fairly strict ones. I agree with the advice that drinking always has consequences, but they are less severe if you call for a ride home and are honest about what happened.
At this point I would not be letting her out of the house unless I had the address of where she would be and the phone number. And make sure she has a phoen on her when she goes, even if you have to lend her yours, or just buy a prepaid for the purpose.
Also, don’t let the group leave your place until they’ve made their plans. It can really make all the difference between “Let’s see the 8:30 movie” and “let’s just cruise by the keg party.” Make your home a comfortable and inviting place for them to hang out. A $3 box of brownie mix and a $30 per month Netflix member ship is really all it takes. . .
Perfect.
My only contribution to this thread is to suggest she watch Campus PD on G4, which is full of drunk teenagers who have thrown up on themselves getting taken to the drunk tank. (I do not watch cop shows, but a lot of this particular show was filmed in my town and a good friend of ours is on it. It’s fairly boring except that we get to see our friend on TV.)
Is it possible to teach her to enjoy alcohol? Is it legal for her to drink at home with a meal, for instance? Perhaps the OP could educate her that way, sharing a bottle of wine with her for the Sunday meal? Then she’d learn which wines go with which foods, alcohol would be de-mystified, and she’d learn to drink responsibly in a controlled environment.
Seriously. A teenager drinks for the exact same reasons anyone over the legal age does. These reasons vary with the individual.
I wholeheartedly disagree with your first point, but heartily second your second. My brother was, on the surface, a great kid - stellar athlete, decent grades, incredibly likable - he could, and still can, sell ice to Eskimos. Despite being active and busy, he associated himself with rotten people (not exclusively, but often) and did bad things on weekend nights. He’d still be doing those bad things - because he sought the thrill - if he hadn’t been forced to make the choice between teetotal boarding school and shaping the hell up.
The homeless shelter/soup kitchen “this is how you get here!” doesn’t help kids, IMO. You don’t want to try and scare them straight. It’s a HUGE jump to a suburban 16 year old to suggesting drinking on weekends might lead to homelessness. It is, however, not a large reach to suggest an underage citation would put her out of reach of her dream college and profession.
Like you said, providing a good environment for them to hang out in is critical. Don’t check on them every 30 minutes, cede them the plasma TV, make them snacks, and dress appropriately (light makeup is a plus, mom jeans are not). My 15 year old brother won’t have friends over if there’s no food in the house and my mom is in PJ’s, but damned if he won’t take the opportunity if there are cookies, a veggie tray, juice/soda, and the TV’s alllllllll his 
Be supportive and there for her when she wants to talk. Make sure there are negative reprocussions for drinking (though fewer if she calls you for a ride or whatever) and that she understands just how dangerous drinking can be for anyone of any age. Then try to understand that she is an individual who will make her own decisions and it really doesn’t matter what you do or say because she will decide on her own how to respond. My brother had two friends die last year from alcohol poisoning and it still hasn’t stopped him from drinking himself stupid every day. I knew that alcoholism ran in my family and decided to limit myself to 1 drink per year. We both came from the same family with the same upbringing and approached the situation completely different ways no matter what our parents said. I think most kids are the same way.
Yep, I have a bunch of alcoholics on my father’s side. And I have two sisters. My middle sister and I are occasional drinkers…my baby sister almost managed to drink herself to death before she sobered up. All raised by the same parents - mine did not mystify alcohol and we drank wine with dinner from a young age.
This is pretty much the biggest sell for some kids but it all depends on the kid’s motivation. Stuff like the above made total sense to me, and my sister seems pretty good about it too, for her since she was interested in science/chemistry/biology- I just got to print out some neuroscience journal articles pointing out how alcohol can inhibit and damage brain cells and the fact that our brains especially our prefrontal don’t really stop growing until we’re around 21-23 years old, and that it’s been proven Alcohol can impair the growth and even damage the cells in that area.
(Then I just added the big brotherly thing to do and pointed out since I never really drank, my brain would be bigger than hers and I’d always be able to hold that over her head- that she was my intellectual inferior).
It was one of the easiest sell I’ve ever done, and I only can wish my kids are as good as my sister was as discussing alcohol and drugs. Only side effect, I think she might actually be smarter than me now. :eek: She’s crazy focused on her studies and such. I’m jealous and kinda proud. 
So I guess it depends on the behaviors and environment- try to figure out what makes your kid tick, and if there’s something they’re seeking out by doing the behavior, and see if you can create an safer/alternative goal for them to pursue. And if not, then I suppose you can only really focus on trying to improve their safety and judgment skills so that they can at least be safe about it.