Since you often explain that you’re too scared to talk to girls, how’s a gal supposed to get a piece of your burning love and/or laserdisc player without talking to you first?
Heh. The only reason I even have a ring was so we had something to show my grandmother so she’d stop fretting to my mother about us “living in sin.” It was a total sham of an engagement, as far as those go, and it lasted four years, until we saved up the money to have a wedding (and we only had a Real Wedding because I knew my parents cared about getting the family together for one- it turned out to be a fun time). I knew we were getting married, my husband knew we were getting married, so we had no problem appeasing my grandmother by getting a small ring.
How about blindsiding them with a proposal they are not expecting in front of a large gathering of family and friends (as in the horrible, awful, execrable Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland)?
The proposal, the ring, even the ginormous wedding that costs more than a car… all of them seemed like such attention-grabbing stunts to me, even as a teenager. A private proposal that involves actual conversation between the couple as to expectations and logistics can be initiated by either, no need for it to be the man. I’m against gooey “look at us!!! look at us!!!” machinations when initiated by either.
I wouldn’t want to do it myself, just because I think that deep down, most guys dream about their someday proposal the same way most women dream about their someday wedding. I’ve had 14 proposals (yes, 14) and none of them took the time to think ahead and really make it special. I woud like that, you know? I don’t mean hire a film crew and make it Youtube-worthy, I just mean, you know, make a reservation, and dress up for it. . .
I also agree that it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. Being blindsided by something like that is not pleasant; but make it an occaision to remember.
Mom, I told you to leave the computer alone. Now, how about making me some sandwiches?
I appreciated my [then girlfriend] waiting for me to ask. I had never considered the idea of someone actually asking me and I would have stammered and sputtered and messed the whole thing up.
Woman who wouldn’t choose to propose myself checking in–
I have a fondness for ritual and tradition–cold proposals aren’t neccessarily a good thing*, showy proposals are silly, but the idea of having a concious discussion which includes the words “will you marry me” or something similar strikes me as a good thing. Of course, it doesn’t have to take the form of the man down on one knee with a large diamond ring in his hand . . .
But that’s not why I wouldn’t propose myself. I picked that choice because it’s my personality. I don’t date, I have no social life (and few social skills), and the only thing keeping me from being a crazy cat lady is the lack of cats in the house. I"m happier in a rut I’m not suited for than going out looking for ways to change things up–even if it is fairly obvious that any change would be better.
I did hear from various (Fundamentalist or Evangelical Christian circles) during my college days that the man should set the pace of the relationship, and I tend to think that’s kind of silly. If the woman knows what she wants, she should have an equal say in the pace of the relationship. ( if she doesn’t know what she wants, well that’s a whole other set of problems). I want a partnership–not a kingdom.
*My dad proposed cold to my mom, lo these many years ago, and she told him she’d have to think about it. She was enjoying life as a single young woman, and liked him well enough, but she was taken by surprise by the proposal. Once she’d thought about it, they moved pretty quickly–four months later they were married.
But that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists.
Hmmm. I’m female, and voted that I’m fine with other people doing what they want, but I wouldn’t want it that way.
My own experience was that it was clear to us both that we belonged together, and we somehow segued into talking about when and how we’d get married. I have no idea who brought it up first, and I don’t remember when it was brought up first. But, having mutually agreed that we’d like to get married, he bought the ring and executed the actual proposal (which was just the two of us on my back deck one evening, nothing attention-grabbing about it).
I like tradition and I like ceremonies and I like doing things they way they’re “supposed” to be done. I didn’t need a diamond ring, but I needed a ring. I didn’t need a big attention-grabbing proposal, but I needed to be proposed to. Not having him make the effort to ask for me would have left me feeling somehow less-than.
I voted that it’s fine by me, but I wouldn’t do it myself.
I voted this way because I’ve never been in a relationship where a guy loves me. It’s been more like I love him and he has to decide whether he likes me or not even tho we’re exclusive but eventually he dumps me (I can really pick 'em, eh?)
Anyway, I want a guy to propose to me so I am sure he loves me. If I proposed it’d just be me doing all the loving again. And I’m apparently stupid at love so he’d probably say “No, actually I was about to dump you.” And that would suck. Bah.
As for other people I could care less how they do their thang. Altho I think it’s a smart move to avoid proposal at Dodger stadium, if one is not so much a Dodger fan 
I proposed to Tom Scud myself, so I’d be a big hypocrite if I had issues with women doing the proposing. But hey, whatever works (which was pretty much my attitude all along).
BTW congrats! Not like many of us didn’t already see it coming…
Female, 41, never married.
I would never propose because I do not believe in marriage. I don’t. I don’t think the state or any church (I’m an atheist) should have anything to do with my sex life or relationships, or lack thereof as the case may be. I am not and have never been interested in having children, so from a practical standpoint, I can’t see any reason why I’d need to be married. Commitment is commitment and it doesn’t matter if I make my commitment privately over time (gradually increasing the commitment level as the relationship deepens) or publicly in front of my family and friends. I’m either committed to my relationship or I’m not.
The Perfect Partner™ for me would be someone who sees marriage the same way: as an archaic tradition that’s unnecessary in this day and age. I look at how people do things in Scandinavian countries and even people who have been together for decades and who have raised kids together are still not married. Any Swedes I’ve discussed this with say that socially, it’s just not a big deal. I don’t know what the statistic is over there, but it sounds to me like about half of all partnerships in Sweden are unmarried partners. And nobody seems to give a flip. If it wasn’t so dang cold there, I’d move there.
Do I have any problem with being committed to the same partner for the rest of my life? No. IF that situation ever comes up for me, I’d like to think the idea of having a public declaration of commitment ritual (of some sort; I will never do anything like a traditional wedding… makes me stabby just thinking about it) would be the result of months or possibly years of discussion, negotiation, and mutual agreement. We would come to that decision together so one partner popping The Question to the other… seems so… well, high school fantasy to me.
I march to kind of a different beat. YMMV as well.
I guess I don’t quite understand how a couple can agree that they’re going to get married, but then still have a proposal. Is a proposal strictly symbolic? What’s the point?
In our case, I initiated a conversation about marriage and my hubby agreed that we should get married. I don’t think that was really a proposal, but if the hubby had staged some sort of proposal-like event, he would have just gotten a :dubious: from me. I’m not terribly romantic, though.
Get out of my head. This describes how I feel and how we ended up married, almost perfectly.
I always wonder what kind of woman (I’m sorry a female who proposes is no lady imo) proposes to a man. I assume it’s a very bossy and/or deseparate type. I also assume it’s one who knows “hubby” won’t ask her.
Not for women asking men.
Because…um…
I’ve got no reason. I voted “I wouldn’t do so myself” because I probably wouldn’t. I’m being silly and cowardly and irrational and I’m kind of ashamed of myself for thinking like this. I actually admire women who just go ahead and ask.
But the patriarchy got to me.
I’d be all for it as long as she buys the rings.
Oh, ours was far from formal: it took place on Google Chat, and the wording was something like “I love you, you goofball. Let’s get hitched!” No rings were exchanged until much later, no bended knee, etc.
What is a lady? How have you come to this conception of what a lady is? How is it any less contingent and prejudice-based than what 19th century Victorians considered a lady*?
*Presuming you don’t share the Victorians’ views.
Even if i did have Victorian views, I’m entitled to. The last time I checked people are allowed to have opinions and preferences.
To me a lady is a person with grace and poise. Someone knows better than to demand marriage.