My husband has some habits that annoy the shit out of me. For example, he is a very noisy eater & is always talking with his mouth full. He also tells the same stories over and over again & leaves his crap all over the house (I like everything neat & am constantly cleaning up). I’ve tried to get him to change these habits, but they are just too deeply ingrained and at his age, I have to learn to live with them. I am sure I have very annoying habits too, but he is very laid back and nothing seems to bother him. He is truly a great guy, so the decent thing to do would be to learn to just chill and accept them.
Please give me strategies to cope. I’m sure anyone who has been married for a long time has dealt with this so please share your wisdom!
I dunno. I’m in the same boat. Pick your battles. You can maybe get to detente on 1-2 items that are deal killers for you. The rest uou either tolerate with a smile or part ways. YMMV
My husband’s idea of organization is spreading it all out in one layer on every surface, so he can see it all. He doesn’t clean. I could go on. I just decided marital harmony was worth over-looking a few things. I hire help is most of my “secret”. I ask him once, if he doesn’t do it, then I pay someone or I do it, or it doesn’t get done.
He has his own office/man cave, which contains things a bit.
Yeah i get that I need to just tolerate them, but I need some strategies to learn how to tolerate them. I am very type A & organized by nature, so my threshold for annoying bs & poor planning is low. How can I raise my tolerance? Alcohol works, but I can’t go through life drunk all the time. Is there some mind game that can help me be less irritated by him?
I have one, but it’s going to sound harsh. I don’t mean it that way. It’s just reality.
Imagine he died suddenly and what your life would be like if he was permanently beyond your reach. I suspect every little nuisance would pale in comparison to the immeasurable sense of loss you would feel.
At least, that’s how it’s been for me. There were few things that niggled me about my husband, but I’d give anything to have him around to put one more thing away where it didn’t belong or ask me to cut his hair and then listen to him complain that I hadn’t done it quite right.
If you can put it in that light, I imagine bearing up under his weaknesses will become more tolerable.
I’m the messy one in our marriage, and I appreciate my husband’s patience in putting up with me. The only difficulty I have with him is that he needs to do a lot of traveling for his business. He can be away from home up to ten days at a time. I deal with it by cherishing the time he’s at home.
Remember Reinhold Niebuhr’s prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
One of my brothers has very different criteria and tastes from his wife in a surprising amount of things, which led to much huffing and puffing in the first days of his marriage but also any time there is an external source of stress; the other one, there are still differences of course but they’re less and also both have a sense of humor about it.
Some things which I know helped the first:
divide work. If the agreement isn’t working for you, speak up, but if the only reason your part isn’t done is that you didn’t feel like doing it, shame on you. Judy is much neater in general, so cleaning is generally her job. Ed isn’t as gourmet a cook but he’s more efficient at both cooking and keeping the kids fed, so that’s generally his job.
Get help as needed (if you can, of course). My mother is a lousy cleaner, but a perfectly fine babysitter so long as she isn’t expected to move quickly.
Learn your mental mechanisms, both your own and each other’s. Both Ed and Judy tend to redirect rage and frustration: when something that was already settled crops up again, it often means that there is a completely different source of tension hovering around. Acknowledging this makes it possible to search for the actual source of the problem, and maybe even solving it. It’s not as if Ed will suddently start liking fruit now… he never has! Any time Judy complains about that again, it means there’s some sort of irritation at work. Any time Ed finds himself bothered by the mountains of clothing, he knows it’s likely to be because he’s got problems someplace else and not because they’ve grown (they still fit inside the closets with enough pushing).
Your spouse sounds like me. Especially the part of messiness. My wife just sucks it up, thank heavens. But she also has some habits that annoy me and I try to just not mention them. I tried just now to think of one, but I have so thoroughly suppressed them that I cannot. We have been married for 53 years, so I guess it works.
"So, here’s the thing, I am as weary as you, of my constant nagging over your habit of dropping your crap any and everywhere about the house. Nagging isn’t helping me or you, I think we can agree. So, I decided to get creative, try a new approach!
Recognizing you don’t need things to be orderly or in place, it’s only I who find the clutter chaotic and distracting is where I started. But also knowing I will grow very angry, bitter and resentful if I just turn myself into a housemaid for a untidy man. I’m just trying to find a way to deal, that ends the nagging, the chaos and the conflict.
So I thought I’d try this, I’ve put a bin in the garage/bottom of stairs/spare room, where I toss the things making my home chaotic and uncomfortable for me. This way the tidying I do, is something I’m doing for ME, so I don’t feel like your servant. Since you don’t seem to care where your things land, I thought this might be a workable solution for us!
It ends the nagging, for both of us, I do the picking up that’s making home too chaotic for ME, WITHOUT growing ill feeling for you, and your things remain in the disorganized state that you seem to prefer, and conveniently all in one place! Let’s give it a try!"
Sr. Weasel and I had an argument the other day, and as we talked things through, we came to the insight that the things we often found most vexing about one another were also the traits we were most attracted to in one another. For instance, he loved my sensitivity and emotional openness, but in the daily grind that means living with someone with frequent mood swings who is easily hurt. And I loved his predictability and consistency, but in the end, that means dealing with the fact that he is really fucking stubborn and risk-averse and slow at everything.
So your husband’s slovenliness is probably a direct result of the fact that he is so laid back and unperturbable, a thing you seem to appreciate about him. Maybe it helps to consider that this thing that makes him such a fundamental part of who he is, that you love about him, comes with some necessary drawbacks that are worth the price.
At this point in my marriage, whenever I come across something that annoys me, I ask myself, ''Is this worth disturbing our equilibrium at this moment in time?" and the answer is almost always ‘‘No.’’ In a majority of cases, it’s not worth the headache. He leaves his dishes in the sink, so what, I have to do another 30 seconds of dishes. If I get wrapped up in the idea of feeling unappreciated or whatever and attach all this deeper meaning to it, sure, it’s upsetting. But if I just think, ‘‘Well it’s really only 30 more seconds of dishes,’’ then it’s only upsetting in that moment and I can move on.
Another thing: If you do think it’s worth nagging, don’t nag in the moment, when you’re upset about it. Wait until you’re both in a good mood and say, ‘‘I don’t want you to feel attacked, but I’ve noticed a consistent pattern of you leaving the dishes in the sink, and as I work so hard to keep the kitchen clean, it’s really frustrating.’’ This is a lot less likely to result in high conflict than, ''Damn it, how many times have I told you…?" etc.
Spice Weasel your comments are spot on and pretty close to the advice I always give newly weds. I tell them to each make a list of ten things they like about their partner. Because twenty years down the road, when you feel a truly, righteous, full up to the back teeth, can’t stand it another second, rage, it will always be the due to a manifestation of one of those traits. And when you see it, right there, in your own hand, the very thing you once found so charming, your righteousness will evaporate and things will snap back into perspective pretty quick!
Great advice and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was sitting at my computer working on a writing project where I really didn’t want distractions. She had a little bit too much to drink today and kept coming over with 5 second statements that would take her 10 minutes to relate. I was starting to boil inside. But then if I am honest with myself part of the attraction was her inhibited nature when she drinks. Double edged sword.
I have adopted a bit of a if-you-can’t-beat-'em-join-'em philosophy on some things.
For example, she doesn’t close things. Kitchen cupboards, the garage door, lights to any room she has been in, the refrigerator door, etc.
So now, rather than closing them and fuming, I leave them open. So what if the basement lights stay on all night (and they have)? Big deal if the junk drawer remains fully extended all day and into the evening before she gets around to closing it (and it has).
It is not the end of the world as I know it. Being resigned to leaving things as is has actually, legitimately, made me less seethe-prone and therefore less aggravated.
(except the garage door, I do close that at night. Except the couple times I didn’t).
mmm
Great answers, thanks! I like the idea of thinking that my husband was killed & how I’d miss those quirks, but when I first read it, it felt like a relief :eek:. But truly he is a great guy, so I’ll follow the advice to focus on the positive and I do think these quirks go hand in hand with his positive qualities. I can follow Spice Weasel’s advice-very practical, but MMM, not a chance I could live with all those open drawers, doors, etc (The Refrigerator Door???). I close those all the time in my house, but it doesn’t make me seethe in the least.
It’s important to remember that if you could change the things you don’t like about your partner, you’d run the risk of changing the things you love him for. We all have characteristics and qualities that are constantly interrelated and inter-reinforcing. If you could stop him from leaving a mess everywhere, it may result in his being less spontaneous and expressive in general. And if you stop picking up and cleaning up after him, it may diminish your ability to be supportive and nurturing. Is that what you really want?
This could work but only on certain types of mess. If you get this wrong, you may well cause extreme frustration.
There are (by analogy) two types of effective mechanics in this world. There’s the type for which every tool has a place, and every tool is in its place. Then there’s the type whose workshop looks like an explosion in a tool store but they can lay their hands on every tool very quickly because, well, they just can.
I tend to be the latter. It would drive me to raging anger if someone altered my working spaces by taking all the crap that I know the location of, and tossed it in a certain place. Because I know where that stuff is, and can lay my hands on it quickly, but if you toss it in a bin I’ll lose track.
This solution would however work on stuff that is just carelessly lying about, and not working stuff. By “working stuff” I don’t mean literally things required for working for a living. I mean things I use for living or working, as opposed to largely unimportant stuff (knickknacks etc).