Idk, most of his annoying habits are small potatoes. I just remind myself that I also have some habits he probably finds annoying, too, and it would piss me off if he was on me about them all the time.
This is more or less the thing I have complained about for years here on SDMB. I did NOT adopt the sensible and lovable outlook **Spice Weasel ** suggested. maybe because I was too busy feeling hurt to allow love back in.
My husband would not agree to elbows’ Chaos Bin. We did hire help and that helped to a large extent.
In the end, we chose to deal with it in another way. My husband signed a contract today for his own house, a ten minute bike ride from mine/ours. I don’t know yet if this is divorce, or LivingApartTogether, or something in between.
But it does feel like a relief for us both, and weirdly enough we’ve been very supportive and positive of each other in the weeks my husband’s search for a house turned serious.
Having recently gone through just that yeah, to some extent that’s right - I’d gladly put up with his annoying habits to have him around again.
On the other hand, sorting through his stuff, I also occasionally say “WTF? You left this here and what am I supposed to do with it?” Sometimes I don’t even know what it is, it’s thing THING sitting there on a workbench (Mad scientist inventor. So far, no black holes, spatial anomalies, or deathrays).
So - yes, I’d gladly be enduring his annoying habits, but they’d still be annoying.
I/we dealt with it by having some dedicated space (man cave, female equivalent). But yeah, neither of you are likely to change the Annoying Habits at your age.
I try to check my frustration by reminding myself that I should work to tolerate my wife’s annoying traits, because she is tolerating my own annoying traits. Our annoying traits are generally invisible to ourselves, but our partners see them quite clearly.
As suggested upthread, I also think of how empty my life would be without her - and also that if I had married someone else instead, I would be putting up with a different set of annoying traits right now.
I stopped giving a fuck. Seems to work okay, but the unintended consequence is that I don’t give a fuck anymore.
I spend as little time with my spouse as possible. This would be the case either way, because I am an introvert who needs a lot of alone time. Otherwise I would find a new hobby or get a 4th job or just start making pretend I had better things to do. I’m not saying these things are healthy for a relationship but it beats drinking.
I mean, it’s impossible to escape from the reality that a partner is flawed. It’s part of the deal. They signed on for the same deal. To expect someone to change is to expect them to be perfect, which is an impossible standard. So a successful relationship has to provide a certain amount of leeway for each person to be annoying sometimes.
Personally, I think I got the better deal. I am the slob between the two of us, and neurotic, and would rather live with him than someone just like myself. I have a dear friend with whom we’ve joked about hooking up in an alternate universe, but we readily acknowledge that we are too much alike – creative, emotional, scatterbrained – so we’d probably end up homeless or at least living in chaos as moody starving artists.
Someone should ask the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan the question of the OP, because either she has figured it out, or I don’t have any annoying habits. I leave it to those who have read my posts for the last seventeen years to decide which is the more likely.
Regards,
Shodan
I am reminded of the Matt Groening book “Love is Hell” where a page devoted to things to think about before marriage included: “Your partner’s hyena-like laugh will NOT get less irritating with time.”
For me, I generally stop and think “Why is this thing pissing me off? Because if I’m pissed off because of a sock or a glass, what the fuck is up with that?” (I rarely actually do, but it’s been known to happen.)
I try to follow the source of the pissed-offness. Generally, it means that I’m either feeling taken for granted or the related feeling that my time is less valuable than his. But if I think about that at all I recognize how goofy that is. This is someone who highly respects me and my time and he shows that in so many ways daily. I don’t want him to be more focused on that.
So, I think the fundamental thing for me has ended up being that I need not to take things that someone does casually as some sort of indictment of his or my character. He’s not making a statement.
Other people might not come from the same POV, but this is what works for me, most of the time.
I’m with you on the same stories over and over again. Oy.
When he listens to music on his headphones while getting weeping drunk, he’ll then try to tell me the same story of how rock ‘n’ roll saved him from his strict Baptist upbringing, or something. For the 600th time.
I deal with it by pretending I have a headache and going to lie down in the guest room for three hours or so. When I come out he’s somewhat more sober. I don’t know how healthy a strategy this is, but there’s no other way I’ve found to cope with it.
When I’m having a mad-as-a-wet-hen I’m-going-to-finally-move-out moment over any of a number of my spouses annoying habits, I try to remind myself that “this too shall pass”. Because I know that the feelings will pass. They always do. So, basically I guess I’m saying just swallow it and move on. Yeah, it’s kinda dis-functional, but what’s the alternative, really?
After 3 marriages, I am of the opinion that being single is best. For every bad habit one of my spouses had, I had one too.
LOL, I understand what you’re saying, for sure. It took me nearly 2 years before I dared tackle the workshop, and there are still tools in there I have no idea what they’re for. But reordering it felt like I was violating his space.
I was fortunate to have a partner who barely irritated me at all, and I think I’m on safe ground to say I didn’t annoy him much, either. We were a very lucky couple in that regard. We savored the time we were able to carve out in one another’s company from the day we met until the day he died. But a lot of that was due to the fact that we are/were both very independent people who didn’t spend a ton of time around each other during the week. And on the weekends, our property kept us busy with every sort of project. We worked well together.
I also think a key to our success was that we each made a point of doing for one other. He never failed to greet me each morning with a cup of coffee made exactly how I like it. It always made me feel so cherished. I made sure he could smell dinner cooking when he walked into the house after work. He loved that. He trained me on how to put the lid down on the toilet seat. What a small price to pay to make him feel appreciated. He ironed his own shirts because he knew I couldn’t stand to iron. Little things. They make a big difference, and it sure helps to have that foundation when working out the big things.
I dunno if it’s dysfunctional so much as sensible. There really is no alternative other than becoming a raving asshole over stupid shit. (I’m assuming we’re talking about minor annoyances, not fundamental character flaws that affect how you’re treated.)
A dear friend of mine always gives the same gift whenever he hears that anyone has gotten engaged: A small laminated sign to put at the bottom of their mirror. It says “You are looking at the problem.”
If whatever they are doing isn’t abusive, then the problem is me choosing to let it upset me. Each time it happens, make yourself sit down and write five things about him you are grateful for.
Eventually, you will hate doing the gratitude list so much that you’ll stop yourself from griping internally about whatever the habit is. 
Hopefully you don’t sign off all your real-world conversations with her using “Regards, [Shodan’s real name]”. 
Um, uninhibited, perhaps? 'Cause coming over and keeping interrupting you when you are (I assume) showing irritation doesn’t sound inhibited to me.
DesertRoomie has a habit of ‘saving’ food items. She’ll polish off a jar of salsa but for two tablespoons on the bottom and stick it back in the refrigerator. Fine and good, but she doesn’t go back to that jar next time. No-o-o-o! She opens a fresh jar (Understandable since she uses salsa three fingers at a time) and puts that into the refrigerator.
“Why don’t you consolidate the two jars?”
“Because that jar is too old.” (It was okay two days ago)
“Well, then, why don’t you throw that jar away?”
“…”
Likewise when we eat out. She’ll bring back a clamshell with three asparagus spears and half a baked potato. Into the refrigerator it goes. Forever.
Or, there will be a box of Cheez-its on the snack shelf. I’ll take it down wanting a handful while I watch a movie and find three crackers. There’s no spare box because the last time I went shopping, there was a box already.
The refrigerator part has been resolved in part by designating the most useless shelf as ‘her’ shelf. After a couple days or a week, the clamshell or salsa jar gets moved to her shelf and there it stays until she decides to clear it off, which happens about twice a year when I’m lucky.
The dry goods I fix by buying two boxes, and putting one on the shelf while the other is hidden in my room (it doesn’t go on the shelf because we’d wind up with two partial boxes). When the shelf box is (more or less) exhausted out comes the hidden box and I try to remember to replace it in time.
It’s even more fun when I have a good friend of mine come to visit to help out with things. She’ll find something like a box of LED lightbulbs labeled “Bad bulbs - save, do no throw out”. WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF OG, WHY? my friend will say. Well, mad scientist, he likes to tinker with stuff. Busted stuff got saved for later dissection.
He did, eventually, throw out some of the busted up stuff after dissection. Actually, he usually asked me to take the recyclable stuff down to the local scrapper and then he’d toss the rest. But yeah, there’s still stuff like that in his workshop.
I’m thinking of saving the box “Burned out power supply - save!” with the Kilroy-like cartoon face on it, because it was so very much him. Mind you, that doesn’t mean I’ll save the junked power supply inside it, it’s the box that has sentimental value to me.
People are a package deal, whether we like that reality or not. Some people pick spouses for poor reasons, ignoring much of the reality of the package they’re buying. Others pick more carefully. You’ll be happier doing it the latter way. Even if you have to change spouses to get there.
Before we got married we had a conversation. It went about like this.
This is key:
If you can’t remember the last time your spouse did something nice for you that made you feel special, there are two possibilities:
- You’re a thoughtless jerk who’s not paying attention to his/her efforts to nurture the relationship.
- He/She is a thoughtless jerk who’s not nurturing the relationship.
In either case somebody deserves better. Fix it or find somebody else who will.