You’d think after being married for 29 years she’d have learned to ignore my quirks. But with the right combination of cluelessness and stubbornness, I can still make her head explode.
Tonight for example, a Time-Life music infomercial came on the TV while we were eating dinner. For whatever perverse reason, I happen to like Time-Life music infomercials, so I didn’t change the channel. Five minutes went by, and she said nothing. After 10 minutes she made a few snippy remarks about how the host looked like he had been reanimated.
At the 17 minute mark she finally broke down and said “Please turn on something else! ANYTHING!!! This is driving me insane!”
After 29 years, I’d think just breathing oughta do it some days.
If you’re looking for something you have to make (somewhat) of an effort at, how about little lazy things, like taking your dirty dishes to the kitchen, but leave them on the first surface you reach instead of the sink or dishwasher?
Leave water on the bathroom counters. Never completely finish anything (from the last little bit of milk to any household projects). Talk about stuff you know your wife isn’t interested in.
Does she have a shelf of ornaments? Switch them around when she’s not looking.
Ever-so-slightly skew the angle of any pictures you have on the walls.
Which way does she like the toilet roll to hang? Reverse it. Similarly rearrange the towels in the bathroom - put the little one where the big one should be, and vice versa.
Move the bookmark in her book to a few pages later.
Take all the contents of a kitchen cupboard and replace it with the contents of a different cupboard without telling her.
Repeat a word she finds irritating (e.g. “elbow” “elbow” “elBOW” “ELbow” - vary it - take pride in your work) until she says words to the effect “if you say that one more time I am going to kill you!” Wait two minutes, then say it again.
Add vaguely believable items into her shopping list. “Egg bender”, “toffee filters”, “oil of rum”.