Back in my clubbing days, I was friends with the promoters so I would often times be on the guest list +1 or 2. If all my other friends punked out, I’d just offer my extra pluses to randos waiting in line in exchange for a beer or whathaveyou once inside. Then I’d usually never see them again. The promoter didn’t care, as long as the person was over 21. If they were shitheads, there was no way to trace it back to me, or them.
I would interpret it to mean “bring your SO if you have one.” It would never occur to me to bring a random friend, or even someone I was casually dating but not in a relationship with.
I agree, but I wish it were different in one specific circumstances–work friends. I know for a fact that several people I have worked with over the years decided they couldn’t invite anyone from work because when you add the +1s. This seems kinda sad to me, because honestly, I would never drag my spouse to a work-friend wedding: that sounds horribly boring for him, and I’d feel like I had to focus on amusing him because he wouldn’t know anyone. At a work-friend wedding, I really want to hang out with other work friends–I’d honestly prefer they didn’t have their own spouses to amuse.
So while I would never be okay with NOT inviting spouses, I sorta wish there was more of a convention that you didn’t bring them!
That’s the inclusive “between,” right?
Where would she sit? On the floor?
In Utah, “plus one“ has always meant certain Mormons have had to decide which one.
BaaaaahahahaaaaaHAAAAAA! Snappy retort.
This. Although it’s quite rude and insulting to deliberately omit to invite the spouse of an invited guest, the proper response is NOT to drag the uninvited spouse along to the wedding anyway. The proper response is for the recipient of the invitation to decline it.
Yes, knowingly failing to invite an invitee’s spouse is rude, but nonetheless, bringing any uninvited person to an invitation-only event such as a wedding is also rude. Two rudes don’t make a polite.
My personal take on “plus-ones” is that the hosts either have no idea what my relationship status is and for some reason is embarrassed to ask, and/or are worried that I’ll feel bored or awkward unless I have a “guest” of my own to talk to, even if the hosts don’t know my “guest” from Adam’s off ox.
While I appreciate the generosity of hosts willing to provide free meals and champagne to random strangers just so their invited guests who happen to be single won’t risk feeling bored or awkward, I find the whole idea of a generic “plus-one” kind of sad. If I’m not close enough to the bridal couple to feel confident of having people to talk to and cavort with at their wedding without dragging along somebody they don’t even know, I don’t see the point of attending.
The idea that I’d positively need my own “date” of some sort in order to be able to enjoy sharing in a joyful celebration of the marriage of people I actually care about is… well, I don’t know if it’s more insulting to me (as implying that I’m too insecure or timid to enjoy any social occasion without a designated partner), to the bridal couple/hosts (as implying that their wedding will be so dull or ill-assorted that individual guests will need to provide their own socializing and entertainment), or to the other guests (as implying that they’re a bunch of ill-mannered boors who can’t be relied on to socialize graciously with their fellow guests, but will treat the wedding like a free version of a nightclub where you have fun with your own little clique without any obligation to pay any attention to anyone else).
I read an advice column recently in which there was a discussion indicating that a lot of people believe that a wedding Plus One must be a spouse, life partner, or someone who is a serious romantic prospect. Apparently it’s a contentious issue. Some people seem to believe that it’s rude to make the hosts pay for a Plus One who is just a buddy or something.
Channelling Miss Manners here, there are two potentially rude things hovering at the margin of a “plus one” invitation situation:
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The hosts are inviting a guest who’s supposedly important enough to them to rate a spot at an occasion as personal and significant as a wedding, but (a) not even taking the trouble to find out who the guest’s partner is so they can invite them by name, and/or (b) assuming that this valued guest wouldn’t find it worthwhile to attend their wedding unless they could bring their own date;
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The guest is treating this wedding invitation as an opportunity to share free food and fun with someone of their own choosing, even if that person knows or cares nothing about the bridal couple/hosts, rather than focusing on celebrating with the other people who are also important to the hosts.
Basically, it’s an ill-designed situation full of potential etiquette pitfalls. Yes, it’s not particularly gracious to bring along to a wedding a “plus-one” who isn’t really significant to you just for a little casual conversation and the free meal, but it’s also not particularly gracious to treat your invited guest’s partner or prospect as an anonymous placeholder.
Ideally, people who are throwing a wedding should go to the trouble of finding out the “social-couple” status of their intended guests, and extending personal invitations to the other halves of those couples. And ideally, people who are not in a social couple should be willing to attend and enjoy themselves as individuals at the weddings of people they care about, without expecting a “guest pass” for some random stranger to be their date. People who don’t want to abide by those principles should not be surprised when the compromise solution of the generic “plus-one” invitation ends up causing some problems.
For a wedding? Definitely a date. Other things, whoever you want.
What a strange view. A +1 is by definition someone who is a “random stranger” to the hosts, because if they weren’t they’d have gotten a proper invitation. Your claim that people should enjoy themselves as individuals applies as much to married couples as people bringing along a friend. It’s nonsense in both cases.
Weddings are already awkward at best, being mixed company of friends and family, and also likely people from significantly different backgrounds. The only people that a guest is really guaranteed to know is the wedding couple themselves, and they’re not likely to have the time to spare interacting with their solo guests. It’s hardly surprising that people would like to bring an “ally” along, whether a significant other or just a friend.
Also, the reality is that couples tend to be more comfortable with other couples. Even if not, places are often chosen with this idea in mind–all the random singles get put in their own little area, whether or not they have anything else in common.
Right. Miss Manners’s point, which I apologize if I didn’t state clearly, is that it’s kind of problematic for hosts to go around giving out improper invitations to random strangers to attend an event so personal and significant (not to mention expensive) as their own wedding. In other words, the whole concept of the “plus-one” is dubious from an etiquette standpoint.
Married couples (and engaged ones, and long-term partners, etc.) are traditionally considered a social “unit” who largely know the same people and have the same friends, which is why in the case of wedding invitations it’s rude to invite one half of an established couple without the other.
But with an unpartnered friend’s casual hookup or FWB there’s no presumption that they necessarily consider themselves a social unit who lead a shared social life. Which is why it’s not rude to invite an unpartnered friend to your wedding without offering them the opportunity to bring along someone you may never have heard of to be their “date”.
Meh. People who find weddings “awkward at best”, who don’t really know anyone besides the bridal couple at weddings they’re invited to, who can’t socialize with strangers who likewise have close ties to the bridal couple or who are concerned about not finding any strangers willing to socialize with them, and who regard wedding attendance as a somewhat hostile situation in which they need a dedicated “ally” of their own, will probably be happier just not attending weddings. Etiquette doesn’t require people to accept invitations to weddings where they’re not going to enjoy themselves.
Just because some wedding hosts are crap at seating arrangements, and some couples are insecure about interacting with single people, doesn’t mean that the whole concept of the “plus-one” invitation for random strangers isn’t inherently somewhat problematic.
Please don’t assume this. Some people opt not to have children at their wedding receptions, and that choice should be honored. Guests who want to bring a child as their +1 should check with the hosts as to whether children are invited. If they are not, guests should accept this limitation gracefully.
It’s the obligation of the hosts to make their guests comfortable. It is also dubious etiquette-wise to presuppose too much about a guest’s desired company to an event, nor is there any polite way to ask. A +1 allows the guest to make a choice.
Of course, it is the guest’s obligation to not abuse the privilege or bring someone disruptive, but I hope that goes without saying.
You really think it’s socially acceptable to turn down wedding invitations from close friends and family? I’ve attended weddings where the wedding couple could barely stand their own family, not to mention future in-laws, and I’m supposed to get on grandly with all of them the first time I interact with them?
Again, the hosts have an obligation to make their guests comfortable. From giving a choice of food to providing drinks to seating people next to each other who are likely to interact well. A +1 is another means of enhancing social comfort. I’ve used it several times to bring an ordinary friend and at no point has there ever been a problem.
Perhaps not. But I wanted people to enjoy themselves at my wedding, even if they were socially awkward. I did not want people to decline the invitation or force themselves to come and feel anxious about who they were going to talk to. I get that not everyone can accommodate plus ones for everyone, but being so hostile to the idea of making your guests comfortable is just weird.
Edited: duplicate post
It’s more than someone to talk to; a significant portion of most weddings include dancing. While one can do a line dance or the Hokey-Pokey <shudder> by themselves a significant portion of the dances, especially the slow ones require a partner. While I might cut a rug with some random single female invitee or your SO for the faster songs, it’s usually inappropriate & awkward for me to dance with her for a slow one.
I don’t think people here are appreciating how culturally dependent weddings are. In some places, a “modest, intimate” wedding means 40 people; in others, it means 400. I come from one of the latter places, so to me, what’s another person?
No! No, no, no! It’s 0 OR 1 human. Bringing a fractional human is not good!