Short Version: A friend of mine is getting married at the end of June and I’ve been invited to the wedding. I was invited to bring a guest, but I just broke up with my girlfriend and don’t really have any friends who are available/who I would really consider taking. Am I totally crazy when I think that not bringing a guest is not a big deal? Should I expect to feel left out and lonesome if I don’t have a date, or is it fairly common not to have a date at weddings? (I’ve been to a few weddings before, but they were all family weddings. )
Long version: The invitation was made out to me and to my girlfriend. I had warned my friend that my girlfriend and I probably wouldn’t still be together by the time the wedding rolled around – and I was right, we’re not together anymore – but we agreed that her name should still be on the invitation. The response card inside asks me to write my name and my guest’s name, so I’m clear on that score.
Because I live in Bizarro World (actually, I think it’s because she does), my ex has offered to go with me to the wedding … even though she’s also been invited to a different wedding on the same day, three hours away. (She says she doesn’t want to go to that wedding.) And even though she’s mad at the friend who’s getting married. Even if I did feel/get convinced that I need to bring a date, I wouldn’t bring her – it would just be too weird. However, I just thought I’d share.
Again, am I totally crazy when I think that not bringing a guest is not a big deal? Should I expect to feel left out and lonesome if I don’t have a date, or is it fairly common not to have a date at weddings? (I’ve been to a few weddings before, but they were all family weddings. )
I don’t think it’s a big deal if you don’t bring a date. You’ll probably know other friends at the wedding, and you can have a good time catching up with them. Better to go alone and have fun than go with someone who makes you uncomfortable.
In the weddings I’ve been to, the single and dateless men were hot commodities. I’m sure your dance card will be so full, you won’t feel left out of the loop. Have fun.
It’s my understanding that etiquette-wise, you should not bring a date unless you’re engaged or have been seeing each other for quite a while, and everyone would know her as your girlfriend.
In this case, however, she was specifically invited to your friends’ wedding, and is entitled to go. You do not have to go as a couple, however. You can both go stag.
It will only be as uncomfortable as you let it. If you go with the intention on hitting on women, then you should make it clear to your ex, and vice versa. If either of you is uncomfortable with that arrangement, you’ll just have to deal with it. You’re both single. If you go as a “couple” to celebrate your friends’ marriage, putting aside any differences you and your ex have, that’s a pretty nice thing to do, so as not to spoil your friends’ day. On the other hand, there is also a possibility of you and your ex hooking up again, if only for the night. An open bar increases this likelihood.
So, the question is more about if your ex will be going, too. If she is, then whether you go as a “couple” or not, if only for that night, really depends on your post-reationship relationship with her. If it’s not good, then perhaps you can request being seated at different tables or something. You’ll still have fun. If it’s good, then why not go as her date? If your friends otherwise, what’s the harm?
burundi, you echoed my thoughts precisely. Why bring someone if I’m just going to worry about them and if they’re enjoying themselves? One big reason I don’t particularly want to bring anyone.
HBby, thanks for that. That gives me something to look forward to, I guess.
Casey, I think you come from a more strict school of etiquette than I do, but that just means you’re probably right. I suppose that she is, technically, entitled to go … but she was only invited because of me. She barely knows my friend, and it really wouldn’t make any sense for her to go if she weren’t with me, so … no, she won’t be going. No, I have no intentions of “hitting on women”, or anything else like that.
Actually, etiquette-wise, you should only bring a date if he/she has specifically been invited (name is on the invitation or received his/her own). People dodge around this by using “and guest,” but technically every guest should be invited by name. So if the bride/groom want to invite your girlfriend/fiancee, they either already know her name and address or call you up and ask.
:: off etiquette soapbox ::
I’d say you’re OK going stag, but your ex is entitled to attend if she wants to, because she was invited. If you choose not to be her escort, that’s OK too.
The only people who insist on bringing dates to a wedding (I’m not talking about spouses, fiances/fiancees, live-ins, or other long-term people, but an honest-to-goodness date) are losers. If the bride or groom is a relative, well, you’ll be in the middle of your family ferchrissakes. If you can’t enjoy a family gathering without a date, you have other, more serious issues IMO. If you’re a friend of the bride or groom, odds are damn good you’ll be in the middle of your other friends. Ditto the take on being able to enjoy it without a date.
Of course, the whole date/escort/partner thing for a wedding is totally foreign to me, as weddings tend not to be dinner/dance affairs in my neck of the woods. I always wondered why people would get so whipped up about having a date to eat cake and drink punch and harass your friends or family. Bringing a date was always just an invitation for older relatives (your own or the b&g’s) to pester you about when the two of you were getting married.
Trust me, the bride and groom will be just as glad to have one less person to have to pay for at the reception. There will plenty of other singles there, so you won’t stand out as the Great Dateless Wonder. Besides, going stag really ups your chances of snagging a drunk bridesmaid. (That’s a joke, of course, for any humor-impaired who might be reading this.)
“As you know, I’ve split up with X, so she’s not really bothered about coming. Is anyone else going by themselves? I can’t decide whether to go by myself or bring X anyway.”
I’d disagree with you here: there is at least one situation where I think the experience is much better if you can bring a guest: Big Weddings, where you invite hundreds of people. There are inevitably people such as co-workers, old college roommates (or high school buddies), grown cousins who live far away, who do not fit in with any of the people that are very close to the bride and groom. I can see how a person would get an invitation to the wedding of a coworker or an old college roommate and really want to see that person get married, but not know anyone there except for the bride and groom. That person can’t hog the bride and grooms time because if they have a lick of sense they recognize that it isn’t their place: their relatinship with the brinde and groom is superficial compare to that of long term family and friends. Yet they still want to be there. It feels awkward to be all by yourself with a couple hundred people you don’t know, so it is a courteous gesture to suggest such a person bring a guest.
Now then, I myself would never have a big wedding: I hate wedding fuss so much thati didn’t tell anyone, not my mother nor my best friend, that I was getting married until after the fact–but they are a lot of fun for some, and they have to take into account people that they want to be there that don’t really know anyone else in the room.
If you don’t know anyone at all at the wedding except for the bride and groom, you might want to take your ex just so you have someone to talk to. If you have other friends that are going to be there or if you are a good mingler in a room full of strangers, I woudn’t spend a second worrying about: go stag and have a good time.
Guess I should reply as I have some experience with this (4 weddings w/o a SO). That’s so depressing to read.
Going to a wedding unaccompanied isn’t too big a deal if you know a few people besides the bride & groom. Most of the time is spent socializing, drinking, and having fun. The only time I’ve ever sat around thinking “wish I had a date” is when the slow songs are played and most of the people are on the dance floor with their partners. Although I have managed a few dances while their husbands weren’t looking
Most weddings are a party with a purpose, not some Noah’s ark, biblical, pairing off dinner. Go and have a good time.
It just so happens that I’m going stag to a wedding on Saturday. Since the wedding (1) did not have a confirmed date until recently, (2) is a six-hour drive from here, and (3) out in the middle of freaking nowhere (the driving instructions read in part “turn left and drive one and a half miles down the dirt road”), I didn’t think I could take one of my female friends, even if I’d wanted to. There are not many things that can wreck a good friendship, but 12 hours in a car (16, actually, for my friends up in T.O.) and three hours in the sticks with about 100 people she doesn’t know (half of whom I don’t know) may well do it.
Bottom line: sometimes it’s just better to go it alone.
No it isn’t a big deal. You will probably enjoy yourself a lot more alone but with people you know at a happy occaision than with someone you don’t wnat to be with anymore. That is just too much stress and you wouldn’t want to project that onto your friends special day. Who knows, maybe you will meet a brides maid or cousin who is also dateless?
I’ve been to 12 or so weddings in the last two years, and I’ve yet to bring a date. Well, unless you can count the one time I saw an old friend as I was checking in at the hotel before leaving for the church and she was by herself and we drove to the wedding together as a date.
Yeah, it can suck during the slow dances, but even if I had a SO she wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding except me so how much fun could she possibly have?
And if you’re there with a SO, how can you possibly hook up with the single bridesmaid?
That’s only been true about half the time for me. The other half, I knew the couple (or half the couple) and for whatever reason, I was the only person from that sphere of their lives that got invited or could come.
And no, it’s a lie that there are plenty of single people at weddings. There aren’t. This part of the world is designed for couples, too.
Still, what Scarlett67 said about the etiquette of the situation is dead on.
People have asked me if they can bring a date to my wedding this summer, and I’ve politely told them that weddings are generally only a place people bring long-term SOs, and not a casual fling.
When I asked my Best Man to perform his role, he said he’d be there-- and he wouldn’t be bringing a date.
Thank you, all. You’ve pretty much confirmed what I’ve been thinking – bringing a date isn’t necessary, and possibly a bad idea; other people will be coming alone as well; and that everything will be just fine.
While I appreciate all the hints, I’d be somewhat nervous about taking my ex even if we were still dating – she won’t know anyone, she really wouldn’t have a good time, and she’d be miserable. Since we’re not even dating anymore, I definitely won’t be taking her.
Duke, you read my mind. Did I mention that I’m coming from Boston, and the wedding is just this side of Toronto? Any of my friends would have to endure 10 hours in the car with me, each way… I think you’re right, it’s better just to go alone.
My sister is getting married next month. I’m in the bridal party and I don’t have a date. The horror!
Frankly, I don’t see the use of having a date. I’m going to be too busy looking after the bride to take care of a date properly anyway (I can always hit on the best man (also dateless) if need be, I guess :D).
I’ve been to other weddings by myself and had a great time because I didn’t have to worry about the date feeling left out.
That gives me something to look forward to, I guess.
(That’s a joke, of course, for any humor-impaired who might be reading this.)