How do you know when to say goodbye ? (long, confusing,depressing and rambling)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m really confused about things.

I’ve been married for 11 years now and I just don’t know if it’s worth staying anymore.

For years we’ve had fights about the same things, but nothing ever changes and nothing ever gets better. It’s hard to put a point on exactly what’s wrong, but it seems like a lot.

Our fights have gone from just loud to insulting and more often then not violence. Not only on his part, on mine too. I’ve still got bruises from our fight two weeks ago.

I don’t feel like I can trust my husband anymore and I feel like I’m a single mother most of the time anyway.

Yesterday, we had an argument that is still carrying over today. I felt sick yesterday and my daughter went to play at a friend’s house. We needed to get her at 3:30, at about 3:00 I told my husband that I was going to lay down for a little while and I asked him to please not fall asleep (he works a lot of hours and spends most of his time home sleeping) I dozed off for a little while, but couldn’t really sleep, so I got up to find that my husband was out cold in the recliner. It took three times to wake him up and he was late getting my daughter. Maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but to me it is. That’s why I couldn’t sleep, I knew he would because he’s never been responsible enough with the kids if I’m around. I feel like I’m never allowed to be sick or tired and I’m not allowed to relax, I’ve got to be on top of everything.

I didn’t say anything to him at the time about it. Later, after the kids went to bed, I wanted to have sex, but I was rejected. It seems that sex only takes place when my husband wants it, when I ask for it the answer is almost always no. I’ve been rejected too many times to count, we only have sex on Sunday afternoons.

We’ve been to counseling in the past, but it fizzles out after a little while because of his job. It helps for a little while, but within weeks things get worse then they were before. I try to talk to him about it, but he interupts me and shouts over me and simply will not listen. He refuses to accept any responsiblity for our marriage. He’s told me that marriage shouldn’t be a job and he can’t understand why I feel the way I do. He also said that he thinks I should just be happy to be married to him and not expect so much. He also says that the only reason I bring these things up is either because I get ideas from my friends or because I have PMS. Neither is true.

I don’t know what I should do. My kids are certainly aware of our fights, but they tell me all the time that they don’t want us to get divorced. I don’t really want to get divorced, but I don’t know how to live like this. I do love my husband, but we can’t seem to work around anything. I’m scared of being alone, I’m too old, fat and ugly to think I’ll ever marry again. I’m confused, lonely, depressed and scared.

I don’t know what to do.

2

If marriage counselling hasn’t helped in the past, dragongirl, you might try seeking out counselling for yourself, even if only to try to help you through your confused feelings.

The bruises you mentioned concern me, though. Please do consult someone, even if it’s only your doctor to begin with. Your concerns are serious ones.

3

dragongirl, honey, I’ve been where you are…sort of. I don’t like to post things of a personal nature but, please, email me and I can give you a shoulder on which to cry.

4

I’ll second what Ice Wolf said. Going to counselling by yourself might help you answer all the questions in your OP. It’s amazing the stuff that a good counselor can drag out of our heads.

5

Dragongirl, honey. Read what you’ve just written.

Now picture your daughter in a marriage like this one. Is that what you want for her? Of course not.

And you’ve got to value YOU as much as you value your kids. It sounds like your situation has gone from bad to worse, and you’re aware of that progression. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to turn itself around, especially since your husband blames you for all of the problems.

You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You CAN be happy, you’re not too fat or too ugly or anything else. Your husband is abusive and controlling and you should not have to live this way.

I agree with the counseling suggestion; you’re depressed and overwhelmed, and it’s hard to figure out your options when you’re in that situation.

If nothing else, make a PLAN. Start putting away money, if you can, or find a support system outside of your marriage, so that when you do hit the wall, you can GO.

I’m very worried about you. Email me anytime, okay? I’ve been in a similar situation and I can’t tell you how glad I am to be out of it.

{{dragongirl}}

Best,
karol

6

bodypoet said what I have been thinking (I’ve been pondering your post all day; I hope you’re not discouraged to have not heard from more people).

I think you deserve a better situation. But setting yourself aside, consider your children. They are learning about relationships and marriage and male-female interaction from what they see at home. If you let things continue as they are, your kids are going to be handicapped in the future. Their chances of having healthy relationships and making good choices in their lives are being compromised.

I think it’s important for you to seek counseling for yourself. If nothing else, your goal should be to handle your end of this difficult marriage in a more healthy way. Learn about being assertive without escalating a conflict. Be a good role model for your children. My greatest hopes are that your husband will also follow your lead and be a better partner. Maybe he won’t. Then you can decide your next step. But for now, focus on letting your children see their mom as a strong, confident, fair-minded person. They will benefit from this, and so will you. Maybe the next steps will then be clearer.

It makes my heart hurt to read about this–such a tough situation. You have my best thoughts.

7

Dragon, I haven’t got good advice. I haven’t been where you are. But I’ve got hugs for ya, and a promise to be behind ya whatever choice you make, and an offer if you wanna talk to anyone. Promise. I’m behind ya, and a lot of the folks here are, too.