I spent years in Japan trying to make my marriage good and failing miserably. Now I’m finally out of that situation and in the US and I now miss my husband constantly. I will probably never see him again. He’s all I think about. : (
From what you have posted in the past, I think I can safely say that this is natural. You invested a lot in that marriage, and despite the problems, you were not the one to end it. I suspect that your self-confidence took a battering as well.
Just try to remember how unhappy you were (and the fact that he HIT you!), and that you are better off now without him.
You do think about other things and can choose to think about your ex less often. If you do think of him, remain realistic and don’t idealize him. You say you tried to make it work—did he? Don’t shy away from painful memories and let it hurt until you’re done hurting over it. Time does not heal all wounds—you have to work at healing yourself. I’m so sorry you’re hurting now, but you can change this and feel other things beside pain. One person can not make a marriage good.
I agree with zephyrine. It seems to me that it’s perfectly normal to pine for something in which you’ve invested a lot of time and patience. Have faith, it’ll pass.
It’s like those stages of death. You have to go through them all when ending a big relationship. Someday you’ll come to acceptance.
Although personally, Anger was my favorite.
Well, he never HIT me, that’s why it’s all been harder. He pushed, shoved, dragged, and twisted (my wrists), which unfortunately I can excuse away as something else that was my fault. Actualy hitting I could not make an excuse for.
Add to that where I’m living (his mother’s house) with no transportation (no car, no driver’s lisence), and no friends yet and you can see why it’s really hard.
I wish I could skip the next few months and reawaken when I had money and an apartment.
Why are you calling him your husband? Shouldn’t he be your ex?
IMHO you’re missing being with someone. That person is not necessarily him.
Darling, are you getting some therapy? Please do not say you can’t afford it. So long as your divorce is not yet final, you are still covered under your estranged husband’s military insurance. Do not tell me there is some reason why, for you in particular, this is not true; because that would be wrong. So long as your divorce is not yet final, you are still covered under your estranged husband’s military insurance. No exceptions.
Here are some numbers for Tricare. Find the appropriate number for your area and call it. Tell the person on the line that you have a recent suicide attempt on your record, and that you are showing signs of clinical depression besides. They will help you find a therapist in your area.
Things are never going to get better for you until you start taking some responsibility for making things better. Your comment, “Well, he never HIT me, that’s why it’s all been harder. He pushed, shoved, dragged, and twisted (my wrists), which unfortunately I can excuse away as something else that was my fault. Actualy hitting I could not make an excuse for.” is one of the most chilling things I’ve ever read. You need help. That help is available. Seek it now.
Amen Jess, and amen.
What Jess said. This sounds to me, not a health professional, like denial. I mean, to me, shoving, dragging, and twisting ARE hitting.
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
Welcome to step one.
Zebra, I think your analogy to death is appropriate, but the label “denial” in this instance is misplaced. acrossthesea isn’t denying that the marriage is over, she’s still in denial about how bad the abuse was.
I’d say she’s passing out of “bargaining” (which she was stuck in while in Japan and still is to some extent by living with his mother) and moving into depression (“I’ll probably never see him again.* He’s all I think about.”)
*And this is even a hint of acceptance budding. Hang in there, acrossthesea, you’re farther along the road to recovery than you realize. For years you’ve expended all your energy in a near-constant state of adrenaline trying to avoid his wrath. It’s natural that you feel lost and unfocused, and perhaps missing that adrenaline a bit. Put one foot in front of the other. Repeat as necessary.
First of all, good for you for doing the right thing and getting out of there, no matter how it happened. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t HIT you, he HURT you. HOW he did it isn’t the important thing.
Part of what you’re missing or grieving for probably isn’t your husband, but the marriage itself. You had plans and dreams for that and they didn’t work out. But that isn’t your fault. Marriage takes two, and yours only had one.
Do get some help with this, and soon. And remember, you are not alone.
Man, this is the 3rd time now I’ve typed this post. The computer I’m using, not my own, has problems.
Anyway, I have a friend here now, who is actually a woman that lived in my building at Yokota but we never really met or became friends until now. She got here the same day I did. She’s taken me around a lot to hang out and help me get my resume looking better. So I’m happy about that, she and her husband are really nice fun people. And anything is better than my mother in law’s house.
My mother in law is a really great person too but it’s very awkward, especially considering all she talks about is my husband and how cute he was as a child. She even showed me the marks on the wall where they measured his height as he was growing up. Listening to stories about what a sweet kid he was make me sad and depressed, feeling like I ruined the marriage simply by loving him. I feel much stronger when I’m among anyone else and can criticize him. Criticizing him helps me get over him. And obviously I can’t do that in this house, where his presence remains strongly. I think of it as Farty Clutters (not his real name, though it does rhyme) Land.
I will go to mcconnell (the air force base here) next week for counseling. That was the earliest they could give me. I don’t trust them and their military crap though, they usually paint the civilian out to be bad and protect their person as much as they can. Well at least they did at Yokota.
I still call him my husband because he is…he didn’t even begin the divorce yet. I don’t have much else to call him other than his name, which I’m not going to use in the event he does a google search on his name. Not that it really matters but luckily for me he’s always been too busy to read these boards or even make an account and start posting. The straight dope is something I know he’d be much into if he did take the time, since he loves researching things, but yup, he’s usually too busy to surf the internet.
Blah, my original post was better but as I said this is the 3rd time I’ve retyped this.
Well, at least you’re getting counseling. Try to keep an open mind, though. Sure, they’re military, but they’re not necessarily predisposed to disbelieve what you say.
Good luck.
Not in my experience – and I had 17 years as a military spouse, plus 6 years active duty before; PLUS another 15 years as a Navy Brat before that. So don’t go into counseling expecting to be screwed. Whatever you found on Yokota (and I do believe that overseas bases tend to be somewhat insulated) will not be what you find when you begin your counseling. You will be your counselor’s patient and I’m sure you will be treated professionally. Leave your preconceived notions at home. Good luck and keep us posted.