FLASHBACK: Both of my parents died in November. Over a year ago, they deeded their property over to me. It was my inheritance. They bought my only sibling, a brother, his property and home years ago - that was his inheritance. My newly inherited property and my brother’s property border each other. I’ve chosen to sell and because of his questionable finances, I’m not selling the property to my brother.
PRESENT DAY: So my decision to not sell to my brother has created a shitstorm of chaos and I’ve been disowned by him, his wife and children. His wife and her sister have spewed hurtful, untrue, nasty venom about me all over the internet (and the county they live in, I’m sure) and as much as I don’t want it to bother me, it does.
So my question is, how do you let this stuff go? I’ve tried the “they’re asshats and I don’t care what the think about me” technique, but some of what they’re saying is truly cruel and it gnaws at me for days. How do you take a deep breath and let it all fade away?
Time. It’s only March. You’ve lost both your parents. You’ve seemingly lost your brother. You’re grieving. Let yourself grieve. And let yourself feel all this emotion–rage at your situation–instead of trying to get over it or get past it. This is your situation and it sucks. Accept that you’re in pain.
It sounds like it’s a situation that can’t be fixed until your brother forgives you (even though you’re not wrong), so there’s nothing to be done but wait.
You have my deepest sympathies. And aren’t you glad you’re not living next door to this guy?
I have found, from my own personal experience that, most often, when I truly cannot let something go, it is because I am not fully owning my part in it.
In my opinion, we all have some ownership in everything that happens to us, very few things in life are black and white. Him blaming you for all of it, is the same sin as you blaming it all on him.
My suggestion is you, go back and take a hard look at your own actions, and see if there isn’t some things you need to ‘own’, that your anger or frustration perhaps, has caused you to project onto him. Only you can know whether you’re being fully honest with yourself.
It’s all too easy, when we’ve been grievously wronged, to overlook our role in how things unfold, since, y’know, ‘They started it!’ It always takes two. Always.
Only a suggestion, based on my life experience. Wishing you best of luck!
Oh, absolutely! The idea of living next door to him and my sister-in-law (who has been awful and nasty since I’ve known her) was a HUGE reason why my husband and I chose to sell.
I am going to a grief counselor - advice from a wise doper - and that has helped tremendously with the loss of my parents. But this whole situation with my brother, while I knew it wouldn’t go well, has really shaken me. But, you’re right. My husband has said repeatedly that time will get me there. I was hoping there was a faster fix.
I did think about that, too. Why am I holding onto this? What is my part in all of it? I’m not completely blameless. I could have sold the property to him on his terms but I refused because I know his financial history. I feel badly that I’m taking from him something he’s perceived as his own for years. Even though it was my parents’ property, he used the majority of it. Unfortunately, he’s unwilling to speak to me so we can’t sit down and have a discussion about it. If we could talk it out, I might feel better or at least come to an understanding, but he won’t respond to any form of communication.
The properties adjoin, so the refusal to sell to your brother might be hurting him in some significant want (if he was assuming he would eventually own the property). If you just refused out of hand to sell to him, I think it would be very understandable if he were extremely upset by this.
If there are other reasons to refuse, think about how you would approach it if he were a stranger. Give him at least as much respect as you would a stranger when trying to arrange a business deal.
So often, we are less fair to our relatives than we are to strangers.
If he is getting a mortgage for the property, why would you care if you are selling it to him or a complete stranger?
If a complete stranger were getting a mortgage, would you refuse the deal because you knew their “financial history”?
As long as you aren’t holding the loan, making decisions for your brother and his family isn’t right. If he can secure for a loan for the price you would get selling it to an outsider, you should sell it to him.
To clarify: I’ve given my brother and my nephew both opportunities to get loans. Because of the above mentioned questionable finances, neither were able to. Selling to either of them was ABSOLUTELY the easiest solution and that’s what I was hoping for, but it’s not worked out that way. My brother was also upset that I was asking for $10,000 below appraisal price. He felt it was too much and not “a fair price”. He offered monthly payments for a year and to then pay off the balance of a fair, agreed upon price. I declined and that’s when all hell broke loose. I declined that offer because I’m beyond familiar with his financial issues over the past 20 years and I didn’t want to chase him for the payment every month.
Okay, that’s valid. (Obviously, you’re not on trial with me and don’t have to prove anything, but just getting the story clear can often help with the advice you get.)
So, I would say that you are in the midst of a pretty big trauma that you’re trying to deal with. Having both of your parents die so recently, and so soon to one another is a huge deal and a major set of events to grieve over. Many of us would turn to our siblings in such a circumstance. Not only are many people’s siblings good friends and close, but they know better than anyone what a loss we suffer when we lose our mutual parents.
But you aren’t getting that sort of support and affection and mutual understanding from your brother. The two of you are at odds, so is it any wonder that this person, who should be a great source of comfort (even if you aren’t close, I think many of us have expectations of what we think family should mean and feel betrayed when it doesn’t do that) has been an added source of stress.
Maybe you feel betrayed, or just frustrated. Either way, it’s no wonder it’s on your mind.
If you don’t need the money from the sale of the property, I’d say put the sale on hold for a while so that you can just stop dealing with anything that will frustrate your further. You can even say (if you are comfortable with it), “Brother, I have decided not to sell the property this minute, so if you can get a loan or come up with the financing before the end of the year, we can start talking about it again. But I can’t afford to finance you myself.”
Undoubtedly, your brother is also grieving. For some people, grief will take the form of or exacerbate anger and feelings of frustration and the unfairness of the world. If that’s so, a cooling down period might help things settle down, get it off everyone’s mind for a while, and allow some healing.
Sometimes, when we are all grieving, one person might grieve one way and another has a different style. So one side can feel abused (or can be abused) by the other when it’s not that we deserve to be attack and it’s not necessarily true that the other side even means to attack, but they might be just lashing out in pain and anger. I’m not suggesting you just put up with it, or that it’s your fault, or that you have to bend to avoid it, but it might make it better if you can just push off dealing with it for a while. There’s an old saw that you should avoid making major decisions for a year after a loss (I think having any set amount of time is ridiculous, but it can be helpful to think about there being a bit of a period in which most of us shouldn’t make too many big, momentous choices), and that’s not just because we make bad decisions when we’re grieving but also that decisions are stressful and we don’t need extra stress when we’re already stressed out!
A lot of posts above are suggesting various ways you might be able to deal with this, possibly including various terms for selling the house to your brother after all. Like, suggesting he get a loan and make it the bank’s problem, etc.
Let’s clarify: Have you already sold your house? Is it a done deal that you’ve sold your house to someone else? Or is that just your decision, but not a done deal yet? The kinds of responses you get here could depend very much on what possibilities are open to you now.
Or, people could, if they want, just address the question in your OP, which was “How do I get over this?”
ETA: Along that same line of thought: Have you already moved out of your house? And if so, are you still in the same community, or did you move to some far-away place?
I have two homes in my possession - my home that I pay a mortgage on and reside in and my parents’ home that I acquired when they signed the deed over to me. I have no desire to move into my parents’ home - it’s much smaller than mine, in a different county, 45 minutes away, in a much more rural location than where I currently live - which is why I’m selling. I haven’t already sold it. I’ve had two prospective buyers and one actually put in an offer today.