How do you let go in a relationship?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I am in the process of my marriage disintigrating.

Long story short, she decided that she fell out of love with me a long time ago, and despite several trips to a counselor, she’s not going to fall back in love, and doesn’t want to stay together.

She e-cheated with an ex-boyfriend, hid it, I snooped and discovered it, and she insists now that she hasn’t heard from him and “probably never will again” but I discovered this last weekend that she’s chatting with him online again.

We are good friends, but this one issue, she clearly feels a need to hide it, which makes me suspicious, and blah blah blah our marriage is over.

So how do you let go?

I love her so much. Our child is amazing, and she has helped me be a better father and man in so many ways. I can’t imagine my life without her.

She doesn’t see it that way.

So how do I break this tie that binds me to her?

We live 3000 miles away from almost all my friends and all my family, we moved out here so she could be closer to her family and so we could buy a house. I can’t afford to move back to California, and even if I could, apparently finding a job is almost impossible. So I’m stuck here, and in fact we are still living together, and sleeping in the same bed. She doesn’t want the kids to know yet.

We’re working on being good friends still (with benefits, at the moment) but I can’t stop hoping and hoping that she’ll change her mind, and want me back. But she isn’t going to.

I know that with my head, but my haeart is stupid.

Advice, suggestions, etc all appreciated.

protip: I know the snooping was wrong. I’ve come clean about it, and we’re working on that issue. Bigger issue for this thread, if you would be so kind…

2

Not sleeping with her, in both senses of the word, would probably go a long way. Even if you know in your mind that it doesn’t mean the same thing it did when she loved you, isn’t that clouding the issue to some extent?

Sorry for what you’re going through.

3

Clue- you’re not supposed to be able to let go of your wife, while you’re still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. I’d tell your wife that she can’t have it both ways- if she wants the marriage to be over, she needs to leave.

4

This here. A big part of a relationship is the behaviours - if you’re still acting like you’re married, it’s no surprise that you’re not feeling like a single guy. My gut feeling - your wife will leave you when she starts dating another guy. I think you’d be in a better position if you talked to a divorce lawyer and started working on dissolving a marriage that is dead but just hasn’t fallen over yet.

5

If my divorced friends are any indication, you move into a small Soho appartment, drink excessively and date stripers.

Seriously though…actually, sadly enough, I was serious about that part. Um…probably more applicable to you, first, you want to cut off the relationship. The quicker you can divide up the spoils and start with your new life, probably the better. No more “friends with benefits”. You get the idea.

That is only part of the solution as once you have physically and financially separated, there will still be a void in your life that she once occupied. Part of this is obviously emotional, but there is also a tangible void in time and activities spent together. You probably want to avoid trying to fill that void with booze, drugs, hanging out in strip clubs and other self-destructive behavior. Join a kickball league or whatever you are into that will provide some additional structure in your life and force you to be around people.

6

Thank you all for the advice… we’re going to be having a talk this weekend, and I’m goign to tell her that I think I will be moving into my daughters room (first marriage) after shes gone at the end of June. That will go a long ways, as you fine folks have said.

How do I stop being bitter and suspicious about her activities with online dude?

7

Um, no. You’re doing it wrong. Stop living together if you’re not going to stay married. Let me guess- one of you is supporting the other, and you “can’t afford” to separate. But, you need to. Living together is no way to end a marriage. There’s a good chance it will end in the police being called or otherwise hurt feelings all the way around. Don’t do it.

8

You can’t let go and continue to sleep in the same bed. You just can’t. And as you wait until the end of June, that is just going to make things more miserable. She needs to go on the couch since she is the one who wants out.

Have you considered seeking custody of the child? There are many fathers who are the most nurturing of the two parents. That was true in my case.

You have such a good heart. You will get through this the way everyone else does – with time. It is not easy, but you will heal.

9

Move out or tell her to move out so you don’t have to know too much about all the new guys she’s dating. There’s really no reason for you to be suspicious of her; she’s through with you, and she’s looking for a new guy; she’s all but tattooed that on your head.

10

Good Lord. So many similarities to where I found myself just over nine months ago. I’m very, very sorry that you’re going through this.

Do not – let me say this again for emphasis – DO NOT continue to share a bed. I don’t mean waiting until June or even next week. Every night you crawl under the covers together is another night where you’re pretending that things are OK. I know that that can seem like it eases the pain for a little bit, but ultimately, you’re making it harder on yourself to take the step that you have to take.

My wife basically allowed me to spin my wheels with false hope, waiting for me to come to the conclusion on my own that our relationship really was over. In the meanwhile, I had to endure watching her be unable to stay away from the man that she was now in love with. If you want to have any chance at maintaining a civil relationship with her following your divorce (which would not be a terrible thing considering you have a child involved), then you have GOT to get out and get away from that situation. YOU are the one who is going to suffer as she continues to get closer to her new beau. It’s time for you to start looking out for you, both for the sake of your mental health, and for the sake of being able to hold yourself together for your child.

Please, don’t put yourself through that any longer. Start looking for a place now. Moving out was the only thing that allowed me to start healing. And please feel free to PM me if I can be of help in any way.

11

Don’t apologize for your snooping, OP. If she gets on your ass about that, she’s just doing it to draw attention away from the fact that she’s the one who’s been unfaithful. I can’t imagine how badly you’re hurting right now, but if there’s one thing that will help you get over a woman it’s another woman. I’m not telling you to go fuck random females, I’m telling you that you might want to start dating again. Maybe that’s my immaturity talking but it’s what’s always helped me.

12

Can I ask how old your child is?

13

Let me get this right, she wants out, but still sleeps in your bed, and still wants use of your penis?

Wish I had thought of that one, “We’re still friends, so we need to keep fuckin’”,

A good friend of mine went through a marriage where she wanted out but wouldn’t f’n leave. Tore him up bad. Mixed signals and all that.

At worst, put her on the couch, at best put her on the curb. SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. you said it yourself.

At this point she is just USING you. Even if you were the jerk that caused the whole mess, get out, for your own sake.

It hurts like hell, it makes you feel like crap, you’ll starve/binge and get fat/skinny depending on your personality. You’ll want to crawl into a hole and die everyday for quite some time, but she’s done with you, everyday that you sleep with each other or live with each other is just going to prolong the miserableness and make the recovery process longer.

To make some things better, the “recovery process” which takes you from pure hell to normalness, which can take from 6 minutes if you don’t have a conscience to several years (my # is 9 months). You’ll “rediscover” yourself, find things to keep yourself busy, do things you’ve always wanted to do, do things you used to like to do, meet new people, go to new places, try new things.

Years down the road you’ll look back and say “glad I’m rid of that bitch”, or “at the time it was for the best, wish I wasn’t a dick”.

14

Our little one is 5.

My son from my first marriage also lives with us, he is 12. She has always been an amazing stepmother.

In fact, up until the last year, she has been a prety amazing wife. Always supportive of the myriads of dumb hobbies I have had, always willing to host my friends and other things of that nature. She has helped me grow in so many ways, it’s kind of hard to comprehend.

And other than this one e-relationship thing which is doomed anyways (the guy is married) she has been pretty up front with all this.

Our biggest goal through this mess has been to manage to remain friends. I am her closest friend, and have been for over half her life. And she mine, in many ways. But I am finally beginning to realize that this is probably not going to happen, as she clearly has a self destructive streak that is pretty nasty.

I’ll be talking to her this weekend (when I get home, she’s already asleep) and instead of confessing to the snooping, i’m going to discuss me moving out, ASAP. And the possibilities of me on the couch, or in the daughters room.

You guys are right, and I thank you for it. I can’t tell half my brain that she isn’t my wife anymore, and it’s time to move on, then crawl into bed next to her, like I have been doing since November of 2001. It’s just not going to work.

15

When I left my husband he hoped we would be able to continue a sexual relationship. Sex was always a big part of our relationship. If I had continued to have sex with him it would have brought everything to zero, it would have made every lovemaking into just sex. What we had we didn’t have any more, well, we just didn’t have it anymore. But it was real, it was precious and to continue shagging him just for his or my relief was not on.

I know you love her, but put her on the couch - not you into the spare room. She’s milking you. What does the sex mean now that it didn’t mean then?

16

We’re kind of milking each other, actually. one of the big reasons I have delayed looking for a place is fear on both our parts that we won’t be able to make ends meet as individuals. She will, but not in the comfort she does now.

I won’t, as I have some substantial child support to my 1st wife. That I may be able to change a bit. We’ll see.

17

Why should you be the one to move out when she is the one who wants out of the marriage? Tell her she can go live with her family, and you and your kids stay put. At the minimum, she moves into the daughter’s room or the couch.

Getting over her takes time, and space. I made my ex sit down with me and tell me ALL his transgressions, just so I wouldn’t have any illusions left. But that talk occurred after he had already moved into HER house. Him being out of the house worked a great deal towards dismantling my feelings.

18

Don’t sleep on the couch. Put her ass on the couch, man. Stand up for yourself.

19

Two things. First it sounds like you’ve been down this road before. If the kids from the first marriage are living with you, why are you paying child support?

Second, why are you considering moving out of your house? Your wife wants to end the relationship. You need to talk to her about her moving out.

I would seriously recommend you talking to a divorce attorney. Just to get legal advice about what to do and not do. This way you’re prepared especially about custody issues with your kid. And about legal financial responsibilities etc. If you got divorced the first time in California, it sounds like your another state now, and the laws may be different.

20

My ex and I went through this same thing. We’d bought a house together less than two months before she started sleeping with other people. We were both extraordinarily scared to separate because of the financial situation. But you’ve got to confront that scenario and figure it out rather than hiding from it because it sounds so hard. It WILL be hard, but you WILL figure it out. Again, if you don’t have your mental health and your life away from her, you aren’t going to be able to make much of anything work. So get going on the moving out, and you will find a way.