How do you like your revenge (for Chefs?)

Remember the old adage: “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Actually, I’m not sure how old it is, since the first time I heard it was when Ricardo Montalban donning wig and plastic pectorals plotted his revenge on William Shatner’s middle-age spread.

The next line was: “And it’s very cold in space.”

I’m not sure what that was about, but I’m pretty sure Ricardo was mistaken.

Personally, I don’t care for the taste of revenge all that much, and having my revenge dessicated and a degree or two above absolute zero doesn’t sound all that appetizing.

Maybe things would have worked out better for Kahn if he’d just added a little cream, some vanilla flavoring and put the whole thing in an ice cream maker for an hour. It would have still been cold, but then the line would have been: “Revenge is a dish best served with sprinkles,”

which I guess is lacking, but the follow-up could have been: “And there are no sprinkles in space.”

I’m pretty sure about the ice cream though because I find revenge to have an unpleasant after taste and not too satisfying.

I think the cream and the sugar would mask that better.

In any event, I think revenge is an overrated dish. You have to get screwed over before you can get any. It’s tough to purchase as well. You go to the butcher counter at the grocery store and ask for revenge.

“How much you want?”

“I’m not sure. What’s the cost?”

“Well, if we go kill your sister, then you can go get back at us in a big way, but that’ll cost you. Why don’t you try a sample first?”


“We’ll send Henry out and he’ll scratch your car and you can get even with him by knifing his tires, Ok?”

They also say: “Revenge is sweet,” but I think they’re really talking about the artificial flavoring. Revenge is bitter, and has a strong unpleasant aftertaste, like a skunked Beck’s Beer. That’s what revenge tastes like.

Turning the other cheek, doesn’t taste any better, either, so what’s a person to do?

Personally, I think the best tasting way to deal with being wronged is to either head it off before it happens or retaliate instantaneously. Revenge, if you must have it, is best tasting when it’s hot wet and fresh.

A little fresh horseradish helps, too.

Am I the only one who thinks that Scylla is starting to channel Rue?

As to revenge, I prefer it served with a white-wine reduction. Add some roasted potatoes, a selection of in-season vegetables, and maybe a salad. Mmmm. That’s good revenge.

Oooh! Revenge Prime Rib! Yummy!
Don’t do what I did. I got confused in the supermarket and thought revenge was stocked in the fruits and vegetables section. Ended up with a whole bunch of radicchio.

Now that’s a bitter dish.

Well, I enjoy a plate of creamed chipped revenge on toast, but I’ll be the first to admit that my tastes tend towards the low-brow, revenge-wise.

Revenge, huh? You want fries with that?

Life is short. Get revenge first.

“I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I’ll bide my time until… Oh, what the hell, I’ll just crush him like an ant.”

Ha ha! It looks like the Student has snatched the pebble from the Master’s outstretched hand! Who’s the Grasshopper now, bay-bee?

The Grasshopper.

And I think revenge should be served on a brownie. With ice cream on it. Then some hot fudge sauce, whipped cream and a cherry. No real need for sprinkles. Or revenge come to that. It would just mess up a derned fine dessert.
-Rue. (ingratiating upstart)

I much appreciate my revenge with some fava beans and a nice chianti.


Hey Rue? Please stop. You know better. You really do.

Now sit down and stop teasing your grandfather.

Passed through the flame until the outside is nicely seared but the interior is just warmed through. Served with a baked potato smothered in sour cream and chives, and a side order of mexicali corn.
And for dessert, pecan pie with a small scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Revenge ages rather like some cheeses. Waiting, the odd odors and bacterial blooms can be irritating, and if you wait too long the thing will go bad in a big way. In extreme cases, it might become sentient, evil, and hungry for human flesh. The cheese, that is, but the revenge, too.

So I prefer a plate of assorted revenge of varying ages, maybe with some pears and walnuts, and a nice dessert wine.

I think I see the solution. Revenge is, indeed, bitter. But what many people don’t know is that the best way to counter bitter flavor is with something salty. So we can say that revenge is best taken with a grain of salt.

Revenge is lukewarm tea with a small Vandyck brown floater. “I’ll shit in your tea” is the Great Big Threat in our house.