How do you make a new friend as an adult?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I think its less about countries and more about where you’re living.

Eg Melbourne in Oz a lot of people live there for their entire lives. So their friends are from school etc, unless a new start occurs for some reason.

Conversely, Ive lived in other cities where a ton of people have come there from out of town for work. So there are lots of people looking to meet new people.

These are relative differences of course, people still move to Melbourne, people still live all their lives in the other cities etc. Rural vs urban is another one.

And strong friends generally take time, as well as some significant shared experiences.

Otara

22

That doesn’t sound like anyone I know, and certainly would not be true of the vast majority of people who go on to college after high school. I’d say college is one of the easiest settings in which to make new friends: you’re surrounded by people your own age, there are many opportunities to join groups of people with similar interests, and you have plenty of time outside class to socialize.

This story reminds me of some advice my mother (a psychologist, FWIW) gave me when we talked on the phone my first week at college, when I was feeling lonely and missing my high school friends. She said that, although it may seem counter-intuitive, a good way to become better friends with someone is to ask them to help you with something. She said that asking for help is known to be even more effective than offering help when it comes to making friends. I actually have a very hard time asking for help from others and definitely do not go out of my way to do so, but I can think of a couple of times when I did ask a casual friend for help and wound up becoming closer friends afterward.

23

Thank god I haven’t had the same experience or I’d be pretty lonely. None of my high school or college friends live here in Tokyo, and new friends move back, so I’m always making new ones.

I’ve always had at least one or two 95+ friend.

All of my adult friends are people I’ve met post college. I still have one friend left from high school, and he lives in the Midwest.

There are too many Americans in Tokyo to simply become friends with anyone. You meet someone, talk to them, and if you have enough in common then you talk again.

As a parent of a toddler and a baby, almost all my newest friends are people with small kids, since

24

I am in touch with 0 people from high school (well, a few via Facebook, but I don’t have their phone numbers or anything, I wouldn’t consider them close friends) and 2 people from college. I have moved around a lot and haven’t done a great job of keeping in touch with people, although I hope that that changes with the advent of social networking.

Most of my friends today are either from grad school (does that count as college?) or the internet. I know it sounds nerdy, but the internet has been great at helping me find people with similar interests. I met some of my dearest friends here on the Dope, in fact.

25

One of my best friends I met in Kindergarten. The other two are from high school. I met my girlfriend when she accidentally added me to her Yahoo Messenger.

University friends are sorta meh. We had classes together in our undergrad, bitched about the same courses and the same profs. But when I moved on and started doing different things, and they did different things, I didn’t want anything to do with them anymore. It wasn’t the same with those older friends, and I couldn’t tell you what the difference is.

I only have one friend from my grad program. I don’t like congregating with morons.

26

So, all the other grad students in the program are morons? Why are you still in a program at a school with such low standards?

27

I have one friend from high school, although we live five hundred miles apart now and can’t see one another as much as we’d like. I have two other friends I’d count in the 95-100 category, one I’ve known for 20 years and the other I met a few years ago through a dopefest.

I have dozens of friends in the 60-90 range that I’ve met all sorts of ways, coworkers, neighbors, spouse’s friends and their spouses, parents of my kid’s friends etc.The idea that you don’t make any more friends after high school is vaguely terrifying.

28

It’s a very small cohort, so the number of morons is limited. And they’re not necessarily bad students, they’re just…it’s hard to define. You get them outside of a classroom setting and they just seem absolutely obtuse.

29

I think the nature of friendships and their role in one’s life changes as we grow older: at least it did for me. One huge change is that I met, and eventually married, my spouse. Much of the emotional interdependency that I shared with my friends in high school has been replaced by my relationship with him. I’ve also become a lot closer to my family: high school was a time of emotionally moving away from my parents and siblings, but in adulthood I’ve moved back toward them. I think both these transitions are pretty common.

I still have good friends (some from high school, more from work–a couple co-workers, a former student, a parent of a former student) but none of those friendships have anything like the emotional intensity of my friendships in high school. I like these people, enjoy their company, celebrate when they are happy, mourn when they are sad, but they are NOT like high school: I keep more secrets/emotional stuff private, I don’t run to them first with good news, I am no where NEAR as physically affectionate or as casual with their personal space and belongings . . .they are very good friendships, but they aren’t the same. Husband and family have moved into those center, highest-priority slots.

30

:confused:

I’m about the most anti-social person I know, and I have several friends I made post-high-school. One is a good friend from college, another is a guy I worked with inn my late 20s (and is truly a friend, there’s never been romance involved). The college friend is probably my best female friend.

So those two are who I’d consider close friends, after that I’ve got a handful of people that range from “pretty good friends” to acquaintances. Heck, lately, everytime I meet someone new who I think is kinda cool and I’d like to get to know, I have to remind myself that I don’t have time to see most of the people I know now, much less bring new people into the fold.

31

I think most Americans I know would share this sentiment, which is why I think Americans are some of the loneliest people on the planet.

32

I think that’s a very odd theory. Based on your personal experience? How old are you?

I’m 25 and even though I live less than a mile from my high school, I’ve made a shitload of non-school friends since I left it in 2003. But then I’ve never had any trouble making and keeping close and casual friends, even though I am kind of odd. I find it pretty easy to talk to people, share about myself, listen to what they share, and eventually invite them or be invited to spend some one-on-one or group time together, which cements the friendship.

I never went to college, so all new friends are current/former coworkers and friends of friends or coworkers. I have 4 close friends still from high school, and a ton of casual ones I don’t call or spend one-on-one time with. I’m also in touch with several of my good friends from elementary and middle school, but they are many states away and I haven’t seen them in years.

33

Why? How does having my lover also be my primary emotional support mean that I am more lonely?

34

Because people divorce/die and children move away. Without family, we come to realize how shallow or even non-existent our other relationships are. And even then, except for those in our nuclear family, our relationships aren’t very strong for other members of our family.

35

I second this. When we lived in NM, we had a very large group of friends, with whom we would party, go to Vegas, camp, etc. When we moved to the south, all hope of friendship ended for me. Here in this county, if you don’t go to church, you are suspect and scary. When the local tree service guy comes to take down a tree, the first words out of his mouth after introducing himself are “what church do you go to?” (not that I want to be friends with the tree service guy). So that is a HUGE strike against me and a wall I can’t get over, under, or around. Next, nobody does anything here. Well, the women garden. I don’t garden. I camp, kayak, and ride my bike on the (always virtually empty) bike trail. There are no clubs here (since they would have to be sponsored by the church and so only people from that particular church would join them)–no book clubs, no bike clubs, no walking clubs, knitting/sewing clubs, card clubs, etc. So between a total lack of commonality and my lack of patience for hearing about God, I haven’t got a chance of finding a friend here.

36

I’m pretty much a loner, and I don’t get out much. Still, I find it fairly easy to make friends.

First thing is you have to look somewhat approachable. You don’t have to be stylish, but you have to look at least somewhat clean and presentable. Normal hygiene should suffice, provided that you don’t douse yourself with perfume/cologne afterwards. A light scent is OK.

Second, you actually have to make eye contact and maybe signal that you’ve seen someone. When I’m in the waiting room at the doctor’s, I look up at people and maybe nod as they go by if I’m in the mood to talk. Otherwise, I keep my head down. I guess this goes under the approachable heading.

Third, you have to be able to carry on a very light, fluffy conversation. There’s a reason why people talk about the weather, it’s because everyone in the same area is experiencing the same thing. You can gripe about the snow, or comment that you wish that the weather was like this all year round (my favorite comment during early spring and late fall here). This lets the other person make similar meaningless comments. Neither person has to take a stand on anything controversial. You can try out gentle forays into other issues, if you think that you might like to get to know a person better.

Fourth, be able to give out a way that someone can contact you, without giving out too much personal info. Email addresses are PERFECT for this. Don’t give out your main email, give out your secondary email address. Don’t give out your spamcatcher address, because a lot of otherwise fine people just can’t address an email to save their lives…and I always delete stuff in my spamcatcher’s inbox that just says “Hi” as the title.

Fifth, accept the fact that you won’t become bosom buddies with most of the people you talk to. You just won’t click. And that’s OK.

Oh, and if you are approaching, be aware of body language. Some people are ready to be approached, but not so eager that they are approaching. Some people are either in a bad mood or just NEVER want to be approached. For instance, most people seem to hate to have someone ask what they’re reading. Now, personally, I usually enjoy talking about my current read, but it seems that the majority of TMs hate it. So, if someone is reading, or seems pre-occupied, don’t approach them. And if someone seems approachable, but when you talk to them, they give short answers, almost grunts, leave them alone.

37

Well, friends die or change, and if my relationships with my sister and mom weren’t close, I’d have other close friends.

My argument is that each person only has the time/emotional energy for X close relationships. Cultivating closer friendships outside of my marriage and family would mean there was less closeness in my marriage and family, and I don’t want that. I think it would make me more lonely, not less.

But I can understand an argument that the widespread tendency to contain one’s closest friendships within the marriage/family makes it harder for people without good marriages/quality family members to find friends: the available pool is smaller because most people are not emotionally available to outsiders in the same way. And that does suck. But I don’t think that’s an American thing in particular: I think being close to one’s family is pretty universal.

38

You really think most Americans aren’t making friends at college?

39

The book I’m using now says that Americans have many casual friends and few close ones, which appears to be reflected by many of the answers here. The theory my friends and I have involves the sharing of a traumatic experience, in our case, high school, and maybe in other peoples’, family. The point you bring up involves another aspect: family as the central point in one’s life, which may or may not detract from friend-making.

I have noticed that making friends requires a lot of energy: preparing dinners or outings, getting a group together, being a host/hostess, buying things, etc. Generosity is nice but in the long run can’t last. I think in terms of cost, making new friends is a very expensive proposition that inherently causes fewer friendships.

But, in other cultures, making friends is a very natural thing, and one might have many, many friends at 70 or higher, including family. I’m wondering if this process is somehow negatively affected by American’s preference to have many casual, rather than close, relationships, and an overly high expectation of privacy.

40

Not best friends.

I’d say in terms of casual relationships, the average american may have thousands at any given moment. But, with how many of those would you discuss an embarrassing health condition with a strong social stigma, e.g. AIDS?

The rule of thumb my friends use: your strongest friends are the ones who would help you, no questions asked, in the middle of the night, regardless of what they are doing. Or, they are the ones who would prevent you from doing something stupid, regardless of the cost on the friendship.