My dad died a few years ago, after ten years of steadily worsening dementia. At the end, there were times when he was convinced that someone had fired a gun into his chair and or that someone was about to show an important map on TV.
Sadly, the memories of the final two years have overshadowed my earlier 40+ years of memories of him; of an intelligent, vibrant, loving man.
Have any of you gone through this, and found ways to reclaim the loved one they mostly knew, from the shadow of their final years?
Same thing happened to my dad, but it went pretty quick. A matter of weeks or a couple months. At the end, he had a fixation of a helicopter he thought was hovering over the house.
I try to think of time/lifetimes as whole units, not just the last thing that happened. So, my dad was a fighter pilot, engineer, father, businessman and general ass-kicker for far longer than he was a demented, frail dying person. And I guess I weight the memories accordingly.
But it’s hard. So good luck. Not much help, but there ya go.
My grandmother died with dementia. I think about the last 10 years of her life she did not know me. She identified me with other people she knew and loved, but she never mentioned my name or identified me correctly. I felt erased at times, even as I felt that somewhere inside there must some affection.
As time went by after she died, I felt that I had started saying my goodbyes to her long before she was gone. The wonderful person she was and the presence she had been while I grew up had passed on. My sister and I both spoke at her funeral about her impact on our lives, how she mellowed our father when he got out of hand, how she was 5 foot nothing of Irish spunk in a family of mountainous men. We started bringing her joyous memories back then.
I remember that grandmother now, and not the one who didn’t know me, except for times like these, when I go looking for her.
ETA: Feeling like that might be bit melodramatic and not much help. Try this. Tell yourself, or your kids, stories about the good times. I remember my grandmother best when I remember those. Write a few down maybe. If the hard times are weighing on you, maybe think a bit about why that is. Were you the main caregiver? You may just have some grieving and letting go to do. It takes time. You might look for a grief group where you can talk with some other folks.
My husband’s parents both died in advanced dementia. He is struggling still after a few years. He can now recall the fond memories and get some peace. After his Mother died, not 3mos later, his brother had a massive heart attack and died. Unexpectedly. That really threw the grief into high gear.
My Daddy died unexpectedly. I often, in a clear and lucid moment am thankful he was spared the dementia/senility. He was in his 80s, still very active and working. I miss that man everyday. He died too soon IMO.
Mom is not departed yet, at least physically, but is in late stage ALZ. We were somewhat lucky in that she make many many photo albums since we were babies, of all of the family. On a good day, we can look at them with her. Otherwise, I can look at them and remember quite clearly, focusing on the good times.
Sadly, I doubt anyone makes photo albums anymore. I was my companies archivist for many years until I retired. I created photo (yes, hard copy photos) albums of building construction, renovations, expansions, events, trade shows we did, employee events-sadly, that all disappeared when photos stayed on phones and I couldn’t get anyone to forward them to me.
My FIL passed away last year of brain cancer, but had suffered with Huntington’s disease for the last 6 years. Over those last years of deterioration my MIL had developed quite a lot of resentments, and what helped her a lot was getting together with family and old friends and coworkers of his, people who had known him well when he was healthy and fully “there,” and just talking and sharing stories of the good times.
