Yeah, I will definitely do it. That’s what she wants, so that’s what I’m going to do for her. I have my hope that there will be time, but a part of me fears that she will slip into a coma before I get back down there. We’ll see.
If thats what she want and thats what you want then “good”.
I can understand you wanting to go to the funeral. Because the funeral is how you show respect to those she leaves behind. I think a good thing to do might be to write a nice letter addressed to all those close to her after the funeral. Explain that you had 2 choices because of your job and distance. You could have either attended the funeral or seen her in her last days to comfort her. And no matter how it turns out, I think folks that read that letter will be much more touched that you visited once when she was sorta okay and tried or did see her in her final days rather than you went to the funeral instead.
It sucks I know.
Sounds like the visit was exactly what your friend needed. I hope you do make it back to see her again. 
Nobody can say for sure how much time any of us have, really.
Carol, sounds like it was as good of a trip as could be expected; glad for that. I’m sure you both are too. Some of what you said really hit home for me. Wishing you and her the best possible -
I made the same choice when my mom’s husband was failing. I decided that I’d rather visit him while he was whole, and as it turned out, the time I was there he was in better spirits both mentally and physically than he’d been for a long time. It was a very good visit, and my mom knew what choice I’d made and was good with that.
I’m very glad you got to spend time with your friend, Carol, and that she was able to appreciate your visit and your friendship.
If you can, be there when they go. My grandfather’s death was more of a release from pain than anything else. He was really ready to go, and welcomed it.
I’m sure that my presence was the best thing for him, and words would have only brought tears.
He was a strong man, from a stronger generation, and he just wanted release. Maybe closure of some ages old dispute might ease things, but otherwise, people just want to be near those they really care about.
I teared up many times at the thought of his death, but when it happened I kinda felt good for him. He lived an awesome life, and he was finally allowed to end it before things got too bad. I may not believe in the afterlife, but if there is one, he’s doing just fine.
YMMV and I’m sure it will.
If you are REALLY CLOSE be there.
However, when my brother in law passed, there were people there that had NO BUSINESS in that room watching something so intensely private and not leaving room for the people that were REALLY CLOSE. This annoyed my husband and particularly my mother in law, who felt it was a) voyeuristic and b) intrusive on what should have been a private thing in the family.
I don’t know you Carol, but it seem’s you’re the type of friend everyone wants! (Needs) Glad everything went well.
That’s being kind. I would not have hesitated to politely ask them to excuse themselves out the door.
I would have, but I was already bouncing people, and the people who were closely affected were a little too busy to ask anyone to leave.
I never thought one of my roles in life would be “deathbed bouncer.”
There are some seriously warped people out there, and/or people who get seriously warped/stupid at the worst possible times.
Just clueless. Well intentioned, but clueless.
I suppose I assumed that part. It never occurred to me that people would do something like that.
Not to sound too kanicbirdy, but there is an energy, nearly palpable, that surrounds births and deaths. Some people are drawn to that energy, and feed off of it, and get almost high from it. Plus this all happens in a liminal space that’s often physically and temporally cut off from a person’s everyday life and rubrics for decision making. Put it all together and you have people who make poor decisions about the appropriateness or usefulness of their presence.
Put into less woo terms - people around an imminent death, or birth, are in a heightened emotional state, and while the occasion is often stressful, they’re also times when people come close together and emotionally support one another. They also get the adrenaline flowing, and sometimes people snap at each other and drama ensues. Some people crave the heightened social interaction, and so they hang out where they’re not really welcome or appropriate.
They’re not really there for the dying person, or for the family of the dying person, although they may fervently believe that to be the case. They’re there because it makes *them *feel alive to be there.
(And by “they”, I mean me, if I don’t watch myself. I constantly check in and ask myself, “am I here for him or for me?” and I have to pay attention to the answer and decide on my location appropriately. But man, is it hard to walk away just when things are getting interesting sometimes!)
ETA: By the way - a good hospice nurse can help manage the flow of people if she sees this going on. (And at a birth, that’s one of the doula’s jobs - to kick out the mother-in-law if the laboring mother doesn’t want her there but is too polite to ask her to leave.)
nm - made the edit window after all
What?!
I think what you’re saying enforces Dangerosa’s point.
Curiosity be damned. I think that a person should be entitled to a deathbed of those that they want there, not based on who is feeling “alive”. Fuck that.
I know your screen name from the SDMB, do you want me at your deathbed because it makes me feel special?
Are you high?
Yes, that was exactly my intent. To affirm that yes, this happens, it’s actually quite common, there is spiritual and psychological explanation for it and yes, you would do well to have someone around to move people along when they shouldn’t oughta be there.
Not high though, no.
Its more complicated than that. It isn’t curiosity - its a desire to be supportive and an inability to read the situation. My brother in law had a lot of friends who were…socially challenged even in better circumstances. Throw them into a situation where they hadn’t been before, and they didn’t have the playbook with the rules in it.
Another thing, from recent and painful experience, your death is not your death. You are a player in a larger drama - granted a central player. Your death is the death of your mother’s son, your brother’s brother, your wife’s husband, your children’s father, your best friend’s best friend. You do not get to control what these people feel or who THEY need around them or whether they want to and have the capacity to be present.
That too.
…which gets back to my warped statement. Such people are itching to be integrated firmly into a wall. Get high off of that emotional energy you POSs.
I’ve talked to hospice nurses who see a lot of this - no, it’s actually not common (thank goodness) and no, there isn’t a “spiritual” explanation for it. There’s a simple one in fact: some people’s stupidity is surpassed only by their gross thoughtlessness.
No it isn’t.
Yes it is.
No but you DO have control - or SHOULD - on who tf is around at such a time. How insanely selfish for someone to presume they have a “right” to be there if there’s any real question as to whether the person passing wants them there or not.
PS I experienced this. Someone nearing the end only wanted a few select people there but certain “friends” or family members who associated with slimeballs invited themselves in anyway. I stopped associating with these slugs (and the slimeballs were oh so close to needing a hospital themselves).
So, you are saying that if my husband had wanted me in the room to support him through his brother’s death (which he did, but I wasn’t, because I was acting as bouncer) but my brother in law didn’t I should have been excluded? Nope, doesn’t work like that.