How do you stop looking scary to people?

I’m not sure if it is a good or bad thing in balance, it probably does a lot of good based on the area I live in.

But yea a large cross section of people report me as scary, even though I am so polite and well mannered. A few see through to the feral intelligent caveman beneath that won’t take no shit from anyone, but I hide it as best I can.

I imitate normal human reactions as closely as possible, and this puts people off saying no one is that polite and calm.:confused:

Occasionally I get a chance to drop the human mask, like when a homeless guy got up in my grill telling me if I didn’t give him so and so he would kill me. I immediately dropped the mask and rose slowly to face him stared him in the eyes about an inch away that what made him think I care. STARE…go ahead and try and when I kill you, i’ll fuck your corpse gently. STARE.

Dude broke eye contact and went away L O L
Anyway there is something very intelligent but feral and violent when threatened inside me, my wife hates it and I don’t particularly like it. How to fake being non-threatening.

I used to get that reaction when I worked. Usually it was people that are at least 20 years younger than I am. They thought I was scowling or trying to look tough, when in fact I was merely thinking. :confused:

Yup, the words psycho and Hannibal Lector have been used for me, even though I have never been violent or even used threats unwarranted(like someone threatening your life).

In fact they say I am creepy because I am too calm and nice!:smack:

Because someone will misread my OP, no I do not dream of violence or want to commit violence. But I’m also not going to cower for someone issuing these threats to me.

Thought 1: Are you an unusual size? Is your hair, facial hair, or dress unusual? I realize you live in an environment where you’re a minority. Amongst folks of your minority, how conventional do you look?

Thought 2:

I used to live near, and often dealt with, an uncle who claimed he was the nicest guy in the world. He claimed his life motto was “I never start anything. But don’t start something with me; I’ll finish it for you.” At that time he was late 40s, conventional sized, and of conventional dress & hair.
The reality was he walked around just itching to find somebody starting something so he could finish it. As a result he had issues almost every time he went out into public. Nobody ever simply inadvertently passed too close while driving or dallied in the supermarket checkout line. No, they were doing it deliberately to target him specifically & their goal was to frustrate his naturally peaceful nature.

He got “attacked” more every day than I did in the year I lived near him & drove the same roads at the same times to a similar place of work. We shopped in the same stores. Nobody bugged me; he had a conflict most days.

Usually it was just sharp words, and his psycho-killer over-the-top comeback caused everybody nearby to back away while making soothing noises. Then he’d come home and regale us with how he’d “finished” another premeditated attack on Himself. He just could not see that he was out of step with 99.9% of the generic middle class white collar suburban US society he swam in.

Is that you?

It is pretty unusual to have a large number of people call you scary. I don’t know anyone personally who is described that way. This is probably something you could change, most communication is nonverbal - probably your body language speaks volumes. I would think a good person who wants to get along in society would want to change this.

How do you stop looking scary to people?

Try a pink polo shirt with kelly green chinos. Weejuns without socks will totally cap off the look. It’s an interesting little irony that the uniform of the most ravenous predators in our society is perceived by most people as being reassuringly placid.

I put on a suit. Suddenly people make eye contact and call me sir.

I’m 5’10" in heels, 120lbs is being generous. Shaved head because I couldn’t deal with hair care without a water heater, so I used my shaver to shave it. No facial scars(I have seen some Jamaican knife fighters with obvious facial scars) and no facial hair.

Mostly dress in t shirt and blue jeans, or other casual wear. Also have dress shirts for office wear.

I have never, ever, ever used intimidation to get something. Unless someone else threatens me first then I drop all the civilization shit and do what I need to.

Why fake being something that you’re not? Comments like ‘dropping all the civilization shit’ and ‘do what I need to do’ probably shows a mentality that is carried over to how you carry yourself.

Just from the OP it seems,** IMHO of course**, that you like being able to be confrontational. Not that you are, but you are probably on a hair trigger waiting to get ‘all in that bitches grill’ or something. Big scary people are often view this as ‘small dog syndrome’.

I am often described as a scary looking guy. Average height, large frame, serious (non-smiley) face. After people get to know me they don’t know why I’m scary looking so it must be how I hold myself. Thankfully I don’t care what most people think of me, and the people who know me know how I am.

And puppies and babies like me so and that is a trade off I’m more than willing to take.

Funny Op.

Women get praised for having a good “Bitch Face” when walking in the city. A guy is supposed to walk around like a Mark holding up a sign that says “please rob me”?

[ChristopherLambert]“I don’t think so.”[/ChristopherLambert]

No as I said I have no interest in threatening or scaring people until they themselves have dropped the civilization mask, once they have and are threatening mine or my loved ones lives or rape as a threat I will drop my human mask as well and answer their threat.

But other than that I have zero 0 interest in threatening people in anyway, I’d prefer to do this the civilization way.

How *you *doing?

I didn’t say that you like threatening people. I didn’t say that you like scaring people.

I said that, to me, that you like having the ability to be a scary person. The ability to be non-civilized if the need arises. The ability to respond force with force.

Knowing that you have this ability may carry over into how you carry yourself and this is the first impression that people get of you.

How often would you say, on average, that you find yourself needing to “drop all the civilization shit” and “drop the human mask” with another person? I’m in my forties and don’t think I’ve ever been in that position.

You sound like a lifer in prison boasting about his survival strategy.

This is a stealth brag, no more. All that hooey about civilization and masks tells me you groove on being “scary.” I would guess, though, that you cause fear more in the way of a spider than a lion.

2-4 times over the years, like I said one was when homeless guy threatened me life. Another was when robbers AKA protesters threatened to burn me alive, and another was when I was threatened by myself.

I don’t get how I am complimented for for all disparate ways I handle these situations.

It sounds like you lack a little insight into yourself.

That’s not meant as an insult. Just an observation from someone who also has this issue too. I’ve always thought that I am friendly “enough” as a person. I feel like I smile “enough”. I certainly laugh a lot, IMHO. Sometimes I even feel like a clown or a goofball, like that maybe I don’t take things seriously enough.

But a few months ago, a coworker informed me that I am super intense and serious and intimidating. She’s a friend and I trust her, but I immediately felt defensive. Moi? Intense and intimidating? But then I thought about it some more and observed myself in interactions at work. Everyone will be laughing at someone’s silly joke in a staff meeting, while I’m busily doodling because I didn’t hear what was said (and it probably looks like I’m literally taking names). Everyone is swapping kids’ stories in the breakroom, while I’m changing the subject so we can talk about work since I don’t have kids, and idle chitchat makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I sometimes “forget” to do the typical girly thing by apologizing before I express a negative or critical opinion, since I think it’s ridiculous that women have to do this all the time. So yeah, I get how I can come across as someone you wouldn’t want to necessarily hang out with.

But my friend told me that once she got to know me better, she discovered my humorous, “goofy” side underneath all that intensity and severity. Which made me feel relieved. For a minute there, I thought maybe I didn’t know myself at all.

It isn’t really a stealth brag, I really do want to have a bullet proof human mask. But clearly it isn’t, Even though I’ve never been violent with my office mates. I’m saying that beneath the deception is a violent hatred of even having to TAKE the absurd threats. But I do, and it isn’t fooling many anymore.

I want some way of communicating listen I’d put to the knife some psycho obsessed with me, but not you. So get comfortable and promote me office mate!

Carry a Teddy Bear?
Choose light-colored clothing?

Smile, move slower and wear more plain/solid color clothing. At least that’s what I do when I get the complaint.