The sudden death of Steve Irwin has me shaking my head and looking back.
In my life, I’ve faced perhaps five occasions when I’ve had to tell people about the unexpected death of a family member or close friend. Three of these deaths were hugely unexpected, two were brutal and shocking beyond belief.
Conveying this information is hard as hell. I’m empathetic, but find myself completely inadequate to the task. Words just don’t come.
How many times have you found yourself in this situation? How have you handled it? What have you learned from your experiences that might help others?
Only once. My cousin called to inform me that my aunt had died. Our generation of the family acted as one to make sure that we took care of our parents during this time. Carolyn called me rather than my mom, to make sure she heard the news of her sister from someone who was there with her. I drove down to my folks place and broke the news. Then I spent the rest of the evening arranging to take a few days off work so I could take mom back to Texas for the service.
When dad died we were both by his bedside, so all I had to say was “I think he’s gone.”
I usually get emotionless during times like these, because somebody has to get things done, and I’d rather it be me. “I can cry later…right now people need me.”
I’ve only had to do it twice, both times on the phone, and both times my approach was gentle yet straightforward: I start with saying “I have some bad news” in that tone people get when the news is death-bad, and then I’m just out with it.
My husband has to do it all the time. Whenever an inmate dies in the prison, Hubby is the one who has to make the call and inform the family.
“Mrs. Smith? This is [Lissa’s Hubby], deputy warden of [Prison Name.] I’m sorry to have to tell you this but [Inmate Name] died this evening.”
It’s one of the worst duties he has. Sometimes, people scream, become hysterical. Sometimes, they accuse him of murdering the inmate or of negligence in the inmate’s care. Once in a while, he gets someone who is utterly indifferent, but it’s almost always emotional and you’d have to have a heart of steel not to be affected by it.
I’ve only had to make such calls once in my life, and I hope to Og I never have to do it again. I had to tell my mother that her sister was dead. She let out this horrible whimpering whine that I won’t forget until my dying day. (It still gives me chills to think of it.) I then had to call distant family and friends and had to repeat the unhappy details over and over because she died unexpectedly.
I imagine it was worse for me because I was grieved and shocked myself but even people who aren’t emotionally involved sometimes have a hard time with it.
In one of those things that I didn’t know was odd until I was older (based on the reactions of some people when they hear it), I started doing this when I was about … maybe 12. I have a very large extended family, and when an elderly relative died, the younger people were pressed into service on the phone tree. It went along the lines of “I have some bad news about Great Aunt Emma. She passed away last night, in her sleep. The wake starts Wednesday at 11 AM. Could you please call Ellen, Bobby, Teresa and Kathleen and let them know? Okay thanks, I’ve got to go make more calls.” Now of course we have email and not phone trees. I should add that all the deaths were of elderly people who died more or less in the way you would expect.
Probably the worst case where I’ve had to tell people was about the death of a colleague. She died very unexpectedly under terrible circumstances, and was a beloved person. Many of her former students viewed her as a mentor, and kept in touch in various degrees. Inevitably, there were many people who did not know about her death right away, and for a long time after (like years) I would run into people in professional situations and they would ask after her and I would realize they hadn’t heard the news. Then I had to go through the whole story and usually both of us were in tears by the end and I always felt that I had done people an injustice by breaking the news like that, but I’m still not sure what my options were. If possible, I tried to take them aside at least but that didn’t always work out.
To add a little touch of tragi-comedy to the thread, I have a close friend whose mother passed away – she was in poor health, but her death was still sudden. This friend asked me to assist her with letting people know. As it happened, this friend had organized a social event to have been held on the following day – a trip to the CIRCUS. So I had to phone all the people who were supposed to be going to the circus, and tell them that Friend’s Mother had passed away, and that the circus thing was cancelled. Often when I called, the person would say excitedly "Is this about the circus?"and I would have to start with the circus stuff … “well, yes, and no …” It’s very hard to seque between the death of a loved one and the circus.
I do this much more often than I’d like to at work. I make sure everyone present is there and I’ll tell them that “I have bad news, <insert name> is dead.” If we worked them, I’ll explain what we did. If we didn’t work them I’ll explain why. Then I tell them what happens next (police, coroner, etc.) and find out if we can contact anyone for them.