my .02 : go straight to the point. The situation is not satisfying and stagnating, you want to go further and so make the move. Going straight to the point it’s the best solution: IF she is bright as you think she is, she will understand you are saying it for her own sake. She will appreciate your ‘‘no waste of time’’. At least I would.
I realize all of this, which is why I said I wish someone who has experience being called out on personal stinkiness would chime in.
I would like to know if its the hugely embarrassing event that I imagine it is.
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I once had a female colleague approach me in the hallway of our cubicle farm, pull me aside, and in a hushed voice say to me “You need to go to the men’s room right now!” I probably went pale with embarrassment, thinking I had a visible wet spot. I had a little baby at home so not getting full night’s sleep, and was getting dressed for work in the dark - turns out I had misaligned buttons/holes on my shirt.
I don’t know how I would react if someone alerted me to an odor issue, but as clairobscur stated, I would much rather someone approach me directly than have an anonymous message sent to me about it.
My brother had had simple hygiene explained to him. He also had had a very sore throat he didn’t want to complain about (opening his mouth wide to brush or eat made it hurt more) and a wife who had spent the last two months running flat (GP, at the time she was getting way too many 24h shifts).
I said “bro, I love you but you need to brush your teeth and see a doctor, preferably one who isn’t half-unconscious from overwork.” He did both and it turns out he had “a case of strep for the books”. “So that was why my throat hurt!”
The factory where I currently work has a distinctive smell, which tends to get on clothing. Recently I met one of my neighbors (different town nearby) as I was coming home from work. After a few minutes he frowned and said “do you work at XYZ?” “Yeah! What, the smell?” “
Yeah. I’ve got cousins who work there.”
Here is a word of advice from a person who CAN smell her own stink. I’m guessing that what this lady might have is some skin/skin contact somewhere. Possibly locations: underboob, abddominal fat, thighs. This in combination with sweating–which most people are doing all the time even when they’re not actively exercising–produces an odor. To me, this is not a good odor. I combat it by (1) putting antipersperant deodorant under the boob area and (2) I have these little flannel fabric thingies that go under the boobs before I put on my bra, so there is no skin/skin contact there. A lesser endowed person could probably solve this with the right bra, but I can’t. These little fabric thingies are also available for the abdominal fat issue if that’s part of the problem. The things are ridiculously expensive, but worth it.
FWIW, I have never, ever liked the way I smell, so I may be overly sensitive to it, but as mentioned, a lot of people apparently cannot smell themselves. So if she were my friend, particularly somebody I wanted to get intimate with, I would tell her. OTOH I think if you start out by not liking her essential smell an intimate relationship might be doomed. For instance my husband tells me I always smell good. And then he turns around and doesn’t like some of my favorite perfumes.
I can also smell my own stink. And the stink of many of my friends and co-workers. And people have lots of different smells for lots of reasons. From the description, I have no idea why she smells.
I told my husband about this thread, and he suggested that if you talk to her, you be careful to avoid mansplaining. That is, DON’T assume you know her body better than she does, and you know why she smells.
Maybe it’s something she knows about and can’t help. Maybe she has no idea, and it will be easy to fix. But let HER figure that part out.
*Something *can cause a noticeable odor, and I suspect that it might be something used to treat an infection. I’ve been around two women who smelled of…something. Not yeasty, not fishy, but strong and vaguely medicinal. One was a classmate who I sat on the floor next to in a college class (why we were forced to sit on the floor cross-legged like five year olds I no longer remember), and the only thing that comes remotely similar to the smell that came from her is PRID Drawing Salve, but much stronger. Fortunately for her, the smell only lasted a couple of classes.
This might sound super weird, but some of us women like honesty, even if it stings.
This was the case with my current boyfriend. We were friends before we started our relationship.
One night, him, me, and a group of our friends went for a night out. We all decided to crash at my best friend’s house for the night. I took my high heels off and curled up my bare feet on her sofa. He was sitting right next to me, my feet right next to him. At one point, he poked my feet. I turned. He then whispered in my ear,
“Laurie, I hate to tell you this, but I think your feet are stinky.”
He actually was right. After walking in high heels from bar to bar all night, in 80-something degree weather, my feet didn’t smell too great. 
But I admired him for his honesty. To this day we still laugh about it, and his honesty and frankness is one of the things I love about him.
Just my two cents. Of course this definitely doesn’t work with every woman.
I like the anonymous email idea. This comes out of your own mouth and there’s gonna be problems. It will mortify her though.
As an aside, In high school there was a girl who liked me but had really bad BO the first time I met her and It kind of turned me off so I didn’t pursue her.
A couple months later I saw her in a bikini and my jaw dropped. Incredible body. Of course, she would have nothing to do with me at that point.
I still kick myself over that every once in a while.
You know, opening up to someone can make your relationship closer.
Is there a non-offensive way to tell someone about their hygiene problem? If it’s someone from my family or a relative of mine, or even a close friend I do have the guts to tell them straight because we have this certain intimacy that I can tell them thing straight.
My FIL was the stinkiest person I ever met. He stayed with us for about 2 mos. before he was put in a nursing home. My husband would basically get in the shower with him and scrub the man. In 20 min. He’d be smelly again. I had to burn the mattress he slept on after he left to go in the home. Of course he stunk up the nursing home. The staff and my husband tried everything, to no avail. The only time I know of him not stinking was in the coffin.
I don’t know whether or not it is intended, but the sarcasm in this statement stuns me every time I read it.
Seems like a straightforward statement to me.
Have you heard of embalming?
I agree that a happy outcome is possible. Telling her is preferable, she may not realize, and that may have been causing frustration in her life. She might be appreciative of you letting her know, even if she gets upset and doesn’t want you around you have done what needs to be done, and with that it’s on her what she wants to do with that.
For me I tried a no shampoo plan as I heard that it would be better overall, till someone cautiously let me know that there was a odor about it. She was cautious about it and worried of how I would react, though my reaction was to thank her because without being told I would not know.
I think you either have to find a female friend of the woman who will broach the matter, or else you will have to be direct and say that you won’t to go out with her, but there is just one little thing that bothers you.
The obvious question: is she aware of one or both of the problems? Has she been to a doctor and a dentist? If the problem is really bad and has lasted some time, then she must have become aware of it by now. If so, then either she has a more complex medical problem that is beyond the scope of the sort of advice given here, or she is a real slob and the relationship would best stay as it is now.
“I’d really like to get my freak on with you…but the stank!”
Well… ask and ye shall receive.
I usually have B.O. because I don’t shower often. I don’t shower often because I’m mentally ill and struggle to properly care for myself.
Now, as a reasonably self-aware person, I know that I smell. Logically, I know it. But I can’t smell myself. Every now and then I’ll catch a whiff and think “Wait, is that me?” but ninety-five percent of the time my own odor is undetectable to me. This seems to be the case for the majority of “stinky” people, whether they know they are or not. I don’t know the science behind it necessarily, but I’d guess that your nose becomes saturated with the smell and the brain begins editing it out because it’s “normal.” When I’m around other people, I’m busy thinking about them, the conversation, etc. and don’t have time for it to occur to me that I probably smell bad to them.
A lot of people with chronic body odor (or breath odor) don’t realize it, or they forget because of the above reasons. However, I’ve also known people who were fully aware of it and simply couldn’t identify the cause and solve it. A girl I went to school with had a very peculiar odor that was apparently a side effect of some medication she took. She was badly bullied for it, but there must have been nothing she could do about it, because she surely tried everything she could and the problem never went away.
I’m no Miss Manners, but here’s my advice if you want it: Yes, be honest with your lady friend about her bodily odor. Be as polite as possible, and don’t lead with the part about finding it off-putting and considering it an obstacle to a further relationship. To start with, just ask her if she knows that she smells. Gauge her reaction and proceed (cautiously) from there. How it affects your relationship prospects will depend heavily on her response, whether the odor problem can be solved, and of course how much you are personally willing to endure. If she is unable to fix the odor issue, or simply is unwilling (it’s her choice whether she thinks it needs fixing), then you’ll have to decide if you can accept her as-is, stank and all.
If she does try to tackle the issue, ask her upfront how much feedback she wants. Does she want you to tell her if her solutions are working, or would she prefer you kept your lip buttoned? If she’s mortified to learn that she smells, bringing it up too often will just erode at her self-esteem. Remember to always be as polite and supportive as possible when discussing the topic. Also, it’s okay to try and give advice, but don’t go overboard. Resist the human tendency to think you’re an expert just because you Googled it. Well-meaning ignorance isn’t going to be anything but annoying.
I am not being sarcastic, it was true. I wasnt the only person who noticed. There was obviously something wrong with him but no one could ever figure it out. He died of kidney disease.
How can you be self aware enough to give, what I call good advice and still say you are too mentally ill to know to shower regularly? Are you physically unable to? Can’t you make a chart on a calender to remind yourself? I am just curious.