I have an online friend that I recently met for the first time. Really, really nice guy. The problem is that he smelled gross! Like old sweat or dirty laundry or something.
I don’t know what to do… I know he has problems finding girls that like him, and I think the smell might be part of it (he isn’t unattractive) so I’d probably be helping him in the long run if I brought it to his attention… but how on earth would I do that without totally hurting his feelings? Should I just ignore it and cope? Try to find a way to tell him?
Well, if you’re pretty good buds with him, I think you owe it to him…especially if he’s bummed out about not getting it on with women. I suppose you could do it in a round about way (I don’t know if I could actually come out and sayit, myself).
Maybe you could say something like how attractive the smell of “freshly washed hair” is, or how good a guy smells right out of the shower on clean sheets or something. It’s not actually dishonest and it might get the point across without hurting his feelings.
I wouldn’t tell him flat out that he stinks. Instead, next time he talks about having trouble meeting girls, offer him some hygiene tips disguised as advice on meeting women. Something along the lines of “women like a guy who looks put together – you know, clothes that look freshly washed, hair clean and styled, etc. It’s just part of projecting an image of confidence and self-respect. A lot of bachelors can fall out of the habit of worrying about that stuff, and don’t even realize that it’s hurting their chances to get that first foot in the door.”
I wouldn’t imply that you are talking about him, specifically. Just put it out there as something for him to think about. If he still doesn’t get it, and you hang out with him a lot, you can later try to be more direct. But an oblique suggestion like this might be all he needs, without ever having to be directly critical.
In military school we used to beat the stinky people up and give them a shower with scrubbing brushes, but that probably won’t help you much in this case.
I’d suggest something more along the lines of what Giraffe suggest. There are people out there who just don’t realize, for one reason or another, that they smell bad. Offering some basic hygeine suggestions would probably go a long way towards helping him.
This is a tough call. I have a problem with people that have bad breath. I usually just whip out a pack of gum and offer a piece to the offensive one, unfortunately you can’t break out a can of right guard and make a similar offer.
You should pick a quiet place to talk with him. Bring up the subject in a manner that is more on the lines of have you ever tried those new body wash soaps or when you wash your clothes do you use fabric softener or the sheets that go in the dryer. It may be that he is clean but his clothes are not. Once the subject is broached then it should be easy to offer some hygiene guidelines.
I think that discussing ‘what women find attractive on a first date’ might be a great way to go…
Especially if you can get creative and get an invite to visit him and bring a ‘gift basket’ of bathroom goodies…
A matching set of say body wash, hand soap for by the sink, bath beads that soften the skin in the same or a complimentary scent, a luxurious loofah or pair of body scrungie gloves [love mine, you will strip them from my dead cold and pruny hands] and a nice bath sheet/hand towel set with a nice candle…
You could mention that whole thing of clean pressed clothes, fresh washed and styled hair and soft and delicately scented skin are great for going out dancing…point up the delicate scent and soft skin is great for the snuggle type slow dances…but don’t give him a bottle of aftershave or he might bypass the bath and dump it all on…eeeew! And mention that your favorite BF/SO would make a ‘production’ of getting in the right mood for a date by a long relaxing bath, after making sure that his/her/its hair was freshly trimmed, and the clothing was perfect…you know=)
Given the short period of time I’ve known the guy, I think it would be really weird for me to show up with a gift basket of towels and soap and such. Plus I don’t want him to think I’m flirting with him…
I should also mention that the scene I know him from is the local goth night club scene… so “pressed clothes” really aren’t what fits in there. Ripped fishnet shirts and combat boots are more the thing. This sort of thing makes it harder to bring up the delicacies of grooming, since the accepted applicable grooming is sort of nonstandard.
Thanks for all the feedback, guys. Keep it coming… please
The direct approach always works best in human relations. No oblique references that he may not get, no attempts at leading him to the solution - just get to the point.
“You recently told me that you have trouble meeting women - well, I think I may know why. I don’t mean to offend you, and I hope you take this in the spirit intended, but you need to spend some time working on your hygiene.” Take it from there.
If he’s a true friend, he’ll appreciate the heads up (even though he may be a little embarassed). If he’s horribly offended, then let him go sit in his cave, tapping away at his computer, and stink all he wants.
Honestly, you can try the hints, but I gotta say that in my experience guys often aren’t so good at the hints.
Put the shoe on the other foot. If you reeked to high heaven, wouldn’t you want somebody to tell you about it? I mean, yeah. It might make you uncomfortable aroudn that person. But in the long run, I think you gotta do what you gotta do and I’d tell him, nicely, but clearly, that he kinda smells. It’s what’s best for him in the long run, even if he is hurt by it. (And if he says “Yeah, I have this rare rotting skin condition”, well, now you know and can be sensitive to Mr. Decomposition in the future.)
people get used to smells after time, and he probably hasn’t a clue that he smells bad.
When you mentioned he possibly smelled of dirty laundry, I thought of a friend of mine. He’d been wearing an older pair of shoes that had become totally soaked with funky nastiness. These shoes where truely bad. Several people pleaded with me to say something, being the chickens that they are.
One day he came in the room wearing them, and I exclaimed "Oh No! not those god-awful shoes again! Everything worked out fine after that, I was able to explain that even though he couldn’t smell them the rest of us could.
Try it on your new friend. Just say "what the heck is that smell!? Cripes, I think it’s your shoes!
I gotta agree with plnnr and Zsofia. No beating around the bush, you gotta tell it like it is. He’s not going to catch hints. Some people just don’t realize they smell and they don’t bathe regularly or use the right type of soap or deodorant.
Here’s a kind of embarassing story: When I was about 14, when I was getting into puberty, I still didn’t know about/use deodorant. I guess my mom never thought to tell me about it, I don’t know. And at this age, I only took showers every other day. Well around this time, I started getting underarm BO, but wouldn’t have known it except for a good friend who told me about it. Thank goodness she did.
Anyway, your friend isn’t going to get mad at you, maybe just embarassed. You should ask him point-blank, does he shower every day? Does he use deodorant soap and deodorant? Ask him, he will thank you for it.
In grad school, I had a roommate assigned to me. He was from eastern Europe and apparently had never used deodorant. He was the nicest guy in the world, so I really felt bad about hurting his feelings. But I convinced myself that my telling him was the best thing for him (and me too, since the room was the size of a standard motel room, and I got tired of dry heaving every night). So one I night, I got sufficiently drunk, and put a stick of deodorant on his dresser. I said: “P-, see that deodorant stick over there? Well, use it. Use it often. And take more showers too!” The look on his face broke my heart. But he thanked me a week later. Of course, I never got to Step 2, which would’ve been: “P-, see that toothpaste over there?..”
I once had the same problem with someone I met over the Internet - both dental care and smell. I sent him an email after seeing him one time to thank him for hanging out with me, etc. Then I did a “oh, by the way…” I’ll leave out how I broached the dental hygiene, but the way I put the stinkiness was that I wondered what antipersperant he was using, because my brother was a very sweaty guy and he had found that product X worked wonders for him and maybe my friend would like to try it because, well, his current one could use some improvement. He had replied that he was aware of the issue and there was nothing he could do about it, he already showered 3 times a day, is allergic to cologne, and uses the best antipersperant/ deoderant he can. To which I said, ok, then, just checking. We pretended the discussion never happened face to face and it didn’t hurt our friendship any. My speaking up did help in the dental hygiene department, though. His teeth never grossed me out again after that.
I think that I will wait until I see him again, and see if he is smelly again. Maybe it was just a fluke and he usually doesn’t smell bad…
…but he hadn’t worked that day and so he’d had the whole afternoon to get ready to go out, and he smelled right at the beginning of the evening, so I’m not holding out a lot of hope.
But if it becomes clear that he has a problem, I probably will have to tell him.
Some people have body chemistries that cause them to smell bad. I mention this so you won’t be too taken aback if this turns out to be the case. I had a friend who smelled and was supposedly zinc deficient. Whether or not he was taking his zinc pills, I don’t know, but I do know that he bathed infrequently, hardly ever brushed his teeth, and often wore the same clothes for days at a time. If one knows one has an odor problem, then it would only make sense to be particularly meticulous about showering and clean clothes. I can’t explain why one would choose to do the opposite.
A lot of hints were dropped to this guy, and they were not taken. On several occasions I heard people actually say to his face that he smelled, at which time he would discuss his zinc deficiency.
I never had the nerve to spell it out for him, but I wish I had because I would’ve been doing him a big favor. Along with informing a person of their smell, apparently it is also necessary to explain to them about daily bathing, teeth brushing, and clean clothes. It might be necessary to mention clean sheets as well; the guy never washed his sheets because he didn’t like the feel of clean sheets. Yuck. And, as has been brought up, apparently foot/shoe hygiene also has to be discussed.
It’s possible that some people come from homes where personal hygiene was not adequately taught or practiced, and that these people need to be taught.
I disagree. Sometimes people have offensive or annoying habits. It could be their scent, their personality, their fashion sense, etc. I don’t know that I would necessary take it upon myself to point out someone elses shortcomings, you know?
ESPECIALLY since you’re intimated that you’re not -that- close to him. That would be like someone you barely know telling you what’s wrong with you. Not cool.
I would let it go and if you two get close enough to have the “Here’s why people don’t like you conversation” then you’ll have your shot.
