The closest I came to “suggesting” was for college. Every other time I’ve informed them. “I’ve been accepted for graduate school in Florida”. “I’ve accepted joining the team of an international project”. “I’m moving to the US”. “I’ve taken a job in [wherever]”. After the Florida announcement, Mom didn’t talk to me for a blessed three weeks: she’d leave me little notes listing my housework, and huff and puff and snort and grunt, but not talk to me - it was worse once she started talking again, the little notes didn’t snarl half as much.
They’re my parents, not my spouse. They stopped having a binding vote the day I got a job paying enough to cover my own meals and housing.
Oh, and… this one is underhanded but heeeey they’re the ones who started using dirty tactics. How far from your grandparents are y’all? Who gives your parents the right to demand of you what they did not give their own parents? (My mother does the same, she hates it when we point it out).
Not Asian actually. Well mostly. My grandfather was, but my family is mostly white. My brother lives about five minutes away and both my grandparents live about a mile away. This is a large city, mind, not rural. We used to be spaced farther apart, but even still it was within 20 minutes of each house. AFAIK, most of my family lives either in this city or in a different city in a different part of the state.
When I was 18, I left college (temporarily) and took a Greyhound to NYC. I arrived with $17 in my pocket, no job and no skills. I hadn’t told my parents I was going there, and didn’t call them until I had found a job, my second day there. It never would have occurred to me to ask them first. Although they were worried, they were nevertheless supportive of my decision.
Admittedly your situation is different, but you’re a few years older than I was, and have job skills, and won’t be alone when you get there. The whole point of being a parent is to raise your kids to be functioning, independent adults. If that’s how they raised you, they can hardly expect you to remain with them indefinitely. You don’t owe them that.
Thanks for the perspective panache. I have enough money to pay for living expenses for about two months. I’ve in some sense lived on my own while at school - no parental oversight other than the occasional visit. I like seeing my parents (I was actually pretty homesick when I first went to college) but I need some independence of my own too.
You’re living in their house and letting them pay for your stuff. So long as you have any expectation that they continue to support you (with a car, with classes, with whatever), then you have to take their feelings into account. If you’re ready to cut the cord altogether, then go and be free.
Just remember that sometimes a cord can be cut more thoroughly than you might want. Don’t leave a note, though: that’s passive aggressive bullshit. You do it in person, even if it means six hours of shouting and fighting until everyone has tired themselves out. Then you go get ice cream.
At 23 you do not need their permission for anything (except maybe to take the car). Your father sounds like a shit to me. I would take a bus to NH and call them once and ask if they wanted to know your (email) address. As for the college tuition, that is what parents do. If it weren’t the financial aid form wouldn’t be based on the parents’ incomes.
I’ve been in your exact situation!! My parents were/are awesome and didn’t want me go out into the big bad world, but wanted me to stay close to home. I think your letter is excellent & in time they will not only get over it, but will love it that you had the gumption to go find your own path.
I got guilt-tripped and genuinely felt guilty for NOT obeying my parents wishes, since they’d been so awesome, but I’m SO glad I did it.
Give them the letter, tell them you love them, & have a great life!
Calmly, like a mature adult. Stick to short respectful sentences. Do not debate or argue, you’re not entertaining suggestions! Let them say whatever they wish, as often as they wish. But never stray from your purpose to respectfully announce a change in your living situation.
You’ve heard their concerns, but come down to it, it’s your life! You’re sorry they are unhappy with your choices at the moment and hope things may improve one day soon. You were unaware their kindness and financial assistance were actually attempts to purchase ‘say’ in your future. Had you only known you’d have made it clear your future life choices were NOT for sale.
Do not be emotional. Be cool and calm, be polite and respectful. You can do this! Just KNOW they are going to pull out all the stops, guilt, drama, accusations. Ignore it. Remain zen calm and say your bit.
Then beg off, and exit. Give them time. Leave them to it until they next approach you! If it’s to reopen this issue simply say, “I’m sorry, I thought you understood, that’s all been decided.” If they persist, again, beg off on an excuse and exit.
With time, they WILL get right with it, but you’ll have to be respectful, stick to your message and give them time to get there!
Sheesh, it’s not like you’re going to N Korea or anything more than a 2 hour flight away in the same country and time zone.
Go, and if doesn’t work out, come back as the prodigal son.
(Sez China Guy who took a year off from University, went to Taiwan more than 30 years ago with a round trip ticket and $500. It was the best thing I ever did. I came back and finished my degree, then spent 20+ years in Asia.)
Well I talked to my parents and as expected they aren’t particularly pleased. Mostly that I don’t have a set job yet. Also because my fiancee is Catholic and apparently that isn’t “Christian”. Whatever.
Generally speaking New England is quite pleasant, but also very expensive. Keep that in mind when looking at job offers, money won’t go as far in New Hampshire as it does in Tennessee. Parts of New England it’s almost mysterious they have such high income since there are large swathes of NH/VT/ME with no functional industry so that’s something to keep in mind too.
You can’t negotiate people into seeing you as an adult. You start acting like an adult and people accept it (or get mad, but as an adult you can walk away from people who are going mad at you).
Adults make their own decisions about their lives. The moment you really truly know what you are going to do and take action to make it happen, is the moment you’re an adult. You’re almost there - the interviews and the fiancee, etc. But as long as you are stuck trying to get your parents to agree with you that you’re an adult… well, that’s not really adult, if you see what I mean!
TLDR: Go. Be an adult. Your parents will figure it out in time.
Be firm, but keep in mind how hard it is for parents to watch their kids move away. They won’t see you all the time. They won’t be there if your car breaks down or you are running a fever. Your decision means that their grandchildren will be raised far away (parents tend to think far ahead, even if you aren’t planning kids with your fiancee, your parents are thinking about that possibility. The other possibility they think about that you likely don’t - they are getting to the age where people die of massive heart attacks).
Remind them that they raised you to be independent. And smart. And that now is the time for you to try out your own wings. And you know where Tennessee is, you can move back if it doesn’t work out. Show them a budget that includes visiting them a few times a year over long weekends. And then move. Regardless. And let them get over it.
I moved from Louisiana to New Hampshire when I was 22. I just told my parents that I was moving and that was it. They even gave me some gas money for the long trip and told me to call along the way (before cell phones). That should be the normal way to do it. I was grown in every since of the word just like you are and would have expected them to support my decision if I decided to move to California, Mexico or Russia as well.
Your parents aren’t doing the appropriate thing if they aren’t supporting you in that way so you just have to ignore them and do what you need to anyway. They will get over it. New Hampshire is a great choice BTW. I always say it is the most underrated state in the U.S. because it has almost everything (except very cold winters) going for it but it is low profile.
You don’t have to tell them anything. It’s your life, not theirs. If you act in a manner that appears to be seeking permission, then you’re telegraphing the impression that you aren’t adult enough to make this decision. Here’s what you need to do: 1) Make your plans with your fiancee. 2) Execute your plans. There is no step 3) ask your parents’ opinion and/or tell them your plans.
You’ve already determined that they won’t let you take the car. That’s the ONLY thing you needed to know. So move on to steps 1 and 2. Call them after you arrive, hang up if they’re rude. Try to call them again a week later, hang up again if they’re rude. They will eventually get used to it. I moved under similar circumstances and my mom got used to it. She stopped being rude when I called, because otherwise she didn’t get to speak to me.
I’d like to ask, did either of them move away from their families?
Explain to them that sometimes you have to move to where the jobs are and thats how it is. Its good for a young man to spread his wings and try out new things and places. I wish I had. People can always come and visit.
However dont be a jerk about it because your so much smarter than them. Just explain this is what you have to do career wise besides you have a wandering eye and want to see the world and try out new things.
Heck who knows you might end up moving back in a few years.
Tell them that you’ll call often and Skype often also. NH to Tennessee isn’t really that far. I’m in California, and one kid went to school in Chicago and the other outside of Washington DC. We spoke to them more than my parents spoke to me when I was in Cambridge and they were in New York. And then one daughter moved to Germany.
Some parents want to be next door to their kids but that often isn’t healthy. Some are willing to let them go. Kids with parents of the first type need to train them.
They are going to “lose” you when you get married anyhow, so now is an excellent time to make the break - once you have a job, of course.
Your parents may get emotional about it, because it’s going to be a huge adjustment for them. But leaving the nest is not equivalent to abandonment, you are an adult, and these decisions are yours, not theirs. They can’t stop you, and with jobs as nicely-salaried as you’re saying, buying your own car is a really small sacrifice you make for your adult independence. (Buy used, it’s a better value for your dollar.) It’s one that damn near every adult makes at some point.
If dad gets particularly crotchety, you can simply tell him that you want to continue having a relationship with him after you’ve moved, but that’s half on him, too.
And this is just life. You don’t always get what you want, but you adjust and move forward.