I know this sort of thing annoys you - pretty sure you’ve brought it up here before. I can see you having issues with doors every day and after so many times, you get snippy and let someone have it. And I think that’s valid (this is why “microaggressions” suck big time, folks).
Being that you specifically told this dude “Don’t help me cuz you will probably make the situation worse” then yeah, he deserved his dressing-down even more.
This guy is probably going to be in this specific awkward situation once, maybe twice in his life. He’s gonna be made to feel bad once or twice. You’re in it every damn day. I don’t think it’s you who needs to be more kind.
The only reason I use the example of opening or going thru doors is because it is the most commonplace occurrence. But it is by no means limited to such actions. Getting in and out of my car is another common one (this is the context for the most ridiculous unbelievable instance of such behavior EVER btw, but that is another story for another time), just like working out at the gym and many other situations where people perceive me as needing or appreciating some help. But yeah, being treated as helpless can get really unsettling after a while. Nothing about me the person matters, it is the wheelchair that is seen. I could be an old decrepit 90 year old man in a wheelchair and people would see me the same way.
Would I have heeded your favor wave-off better than this gentleman? Probably, because I’m really good at immediate assessment of social cues via voice tone, gestures, and body language.
I’m not attempting to be an apologist, just pointing out that an awful lot of people do get flustered when the “be polite to stranger who appear to be in need” script most of us are taught suddenly changes.
But I can also imagine that years of dealing with aggressive politeness that shuts down one’s adult voice could be infuriating.
So you think his outright ignoring my wishes was somehow a act of politeness, however aggressive that may have been? Because that is the point I’m trying to drive home, there was nothing polite about asking me for my feedback re help i may or may not need, only to totally ignore my answer when it didn’t fit in with his preconceived notion of wheelchair users. Keep in mind, he was halfway across the parking lot, getting into his car to leave. He was in no "awkward position’ that he himself did not create.
Please articulate how I was jerky and what would a non-jerky reaction on my part have been? To somehow be gracious? That is the oppressive part. We always must be gracious, even when we are mistreated as helpless. Because hey, they didn’t MEAN anything but good things.
All I can say is that you are mistaken when you think this does not happen to “regular” people. I’m sure it happens to you much more and in more situations, but I’ll refuse offers of help and have people rip stuff out of my arms that I’m perfectly capable of carrying and after refusing their help. As irritating as this kind of thing is, I refuse to let it get to me and just put it down to “it takes all sorts and some sorts are very annoying”. I tend to replace annoyance at them to feeling sorry for them for being idiots.
I once worked with a woman who decided that the name “Rowan” was a boy’s name, so she started calling my co-worker Rowan “Ro-Anne”. Every single time she was addressed Rowan said “It’s Rowan!” but this woman simply refused to use her name because ‘she knew better’. I’ve never encountered such rude high-handedness, I couldn’t believe it, but when people ignore other people to impose their own “better” ideas or their “knowledge” (“everyone knows that ladies can’t carry things” “everyone knows that the handicapped are grateful for assistance”) I just remember that woman to think “this happens”, some people are convinced they know better, there’s nothing you can do to change their minds and the best you can do is ignore them and think about nicer and smarter people.
EDIT: another one I remember was a taxi driver asking me whether I minded if he smoked (this was back when smoking wasn’t banned everywhere) and I said I’d prefer if he didn’t. “Too bad”, he said. He wasn’t asking to comply with what I said, he was just wanting to give the veneer of “politeness”.
Whatever you meant to say, your REAL answer, the TRUE “face value” of what you said to him plus the behaviour you showed, was “Fuck off”.
So he was stuck with this guy who out of the blue wheeled up and told him to fuck off, he’s caught flat-footed and has to come up with a response. I know it’s not what you said, but it’s the cumulative value of everything you presented to him.
I will acknowledge that these slights do happen to able-bodied people, from time to time. No argument. It is the across-the-board ubiquity that separates the issue being discussed here from the examples you give.
I see you are beyond rational discussion. Too bad, when you first got to these boards, you seemed like a potential bright spot for these sorts of issues. How in the world someone could honestly read my words and come away with your interpretation is mind boggling. I am not even going to pick it apart and show how it is so ridiculous. No point.
I know. I am just like a man in a wheelchair making vigorous gestures and shouting repetitively.
You have complained that the type of treatment you got from this gentleman is typical.
It’s typical in your experience because of the way you’re going about it. It’s your fault much of the time. Not that you don’t run into idiots from time to time - of course you do. But you’re VASTLY overcompensating, and people justifiably don’t like it.
Please try speaking once, in a gentle normal voice with minimal gestures, and not creating a confrontation every time someone offers to open the fucking door.
He’s not posting here. So I’m not addressing what he should have done. You sought opinions of your actions. You have mine.
You had an opportunity to extend a small courtesy to a stranger. Not only did you choose not to do so but you made an effort to not do so. As you put it, you went out of your way not to be nice to somebody.
Neither is Ambivalid. He is a person with a significant disability. The disabled get pity-help even when they beg you not to. The people with disabilities have their wishes respected.
You’re attributing a motive to the guy that you don’t know he has. Yes, he did hold the door when you asked him not to. Why he did this is a matter of speculation.
This reminds me of something that happened once years ago. A new stop sign had been installed on a street that people used to get to my place of work. It was in a location where it would be easy to miss if you were on auto-pilot, the way many of us are when driving a familiar route. The city stationed a cop there on the first day, and apparently gave him instructions that he was just to give out warnings. He did that for a while, but at some point he pulled over yet another driver who had missed the sign and told him, “That’s it. You’re the last one I’m giving a warning to. The next one gets a ticket.” The cop wrote tickets the rest of the day.
Now how is the 20th driver supposed to learn a lesson from the first 19 who had been given warnings? From the cop’s point of view, all of these people were failing to learn from their collective mistakes. But no individual driver knew anything about what happened before he or she got there.
My point is that while you have to deal with people trying to “help” you every day, and all the irritation that involves, the guy who held the door doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know you’ve been through the same thing fifty times already this month, and that you’re on your last nerve.
I will say the guy’s behavior was condescending. He should have listened to you and respected your wishes. However, your response may have been overly harsh. Something like, “I asked you not to do that, and now you’re making things harder for me” might have been more proportionate to the offense.
I hold the door open for anyone within 15ft of the door when I am there, Male female, physically fit, or whatever.
If you asked me not to, then I wouldn’t have, but my question is,
How does his holding the door open make it more difficult? I wouldn’t want to make the task any more difficult for anyone in your situation, so I am quite curious, how it has a negative effect. I would think at worst case, it would be a wash, no easier, no more difficult.
Does nobody EVER acknowledge your refusal and comply with your request to nick off and leave you be?
I can feel how aggravated you are by this type of behaviour (and it would annoy me no end, I’m sure), but have you tried to circumvent people by using different approaches to them (yes, I know you shouldn’t have to, but if it gets rid of them, it’s worth trying)? For example, now I’m old(er) I can avoid the well-meaning-but-misguided bloke who things I’ve just stepped out of a Jane Austen novel by saying something like “you’re too kind, but I’ve got it all balanced and I’m stronger than I look!” hahahaha, big smile. Dealing with aggravating people by “rising above” and throwing out some “patterned responses” can work, I’ve found. When I was young, I’d just die and look uncertain and that gave them their “in” to start “taking over”. Sometimes it’s our facial expressions that are “communicating” with these people and not just what we are saying. If you frown the minute the intrusive “helpful” person interacts, they might take it as “oh, that fellow looks like he’s in pain and needs help”. If you can try to smile and look “ok” (to their brains that are taking in the visual cues), they might piss off and take you at your word.
I’ll just repeat that I do not think you have to change your behaviour, but it might deter some of these “types”, sometimes and reduce the annoyance you’re having to endure.
I’m imagining a situation where there isn’t a lot of room to manuever a wheelchair into a doorway if a person is standing there holding the door. Like, if there’s a railing or some other obstacle (shrubbery) right behind and next to the door when it is pulled open, a person holding the door wouldn’t have a place to stand that wouldn’t be partially in the way. If the door swings into the building and there’s a corner right there , it’s the same kind of situation. The door-holder is going to be kind of in the way and will be forced to press themselves up against the wall to make room. It’s unnecessary and unwanted awkwardness.
You didn’t do anything wrong, it was just a gentle comment.