People go into interactions with little scripts in their head saying what will happen -what they’re going to do, how other people will respond, how they’ll reply back, and so on. This is something everyone does, myself included - and then I slap myself, because planning ahead like that never works. The best you can do is go one line at a time, and watch as everything spirals horribly out of control anyway.
Where was I? Oh yeah. So you get this guy who has this script that ends up with him being praised and adored by that most blessed/unblessed of god’s chillun - a disabled person. Yay! So he starts playing out the script…and the other person’s not playing along quite, but he can salvage it! He totally can! (Plus they’re handicapped, they’re slow, they’ll catch on eventually.) All he’s got to do is stick to the script…
Hopefully in the future this experience will have clued him to the fact that he might need to keep a backup rewritten script on hand. (Not gonna happen.)
And for most people, it is that simple. But the disabled are treated with a different rubric. The things that apply to most people don’t apply to us. Things like adhering to notions of personal space, independence, pride, respect, autonomy, etc. These are not given the value for us that they are for most. And none of it is intentional or consciously done.
Ambivalid wants three things: himself to be respected, his wishes regarding physical actions to be respected, and for people to change their communication style to suit him. 100% yes on both kinds of respect, and a big no on society changing its communication style.
OK… I swear this was an accident - I could never plan this, trust me…
But look at the situation of this thread.
I am saying perfectly correct and valid things, but you are irritated and forced to discount everything I’m saying, because I’m saying it in an assholey way.
That’s what Ambivalid keeps running into. I’m an expert because I do it, OK?
Out here in the real world, people commonly ask me “do you need a hand with that?”
I reflexively answer “No, thanks. I got it” even if the offered assistance would be of benefit to me. It’s a habit that comes from the way I was raised: don’t inconvnince others if you can help it.
Sometimes, the offerer helps, or tries to help, anyway. I just say “thanks”, appreciate it, and rejoice in the kindness of my fellow humans.
Summary, since you asked: You were a jerk. And a double jerk for seeking concurrence on the internet.
I would definitely argue there is harm. That harm is encoded in the following:
This guy asked the guy in a wheelchair if he needed help. The guy in the wheelchair said no. If he were any able bodied person, do you think he would have forced his help upon him anyways? So why should it be different if the guy in the wheelchair said it?
There’s the harm. People in wheelchairs are full people, and not lesser humans who you need to protect even when they tell you “No.” This guy got a lesson in how to treat a guy in a wheelchair as a full person. Hopefully he will take this forward.
I admit, there was a time when I could have done the same thing. I would be very happy that someone like Ambivalid let me know so that I would not make that mistake again. Sure, maybe I’d be upset in the moment, but I’d need to learn.
Hell, that’s basically what happened–except I read about the story online instead of having it happen to me. Don’t force help on people with disabilities. Got it.
I’m perfectly fine with Ambivalid’s reaction. Is there maybe a nicer way to do it? Sure. But I don’t expect people to be perfectly nice 100% of the time.
Odds are, next time the guy won’t even offer. He’ll just think, “Hey, fuck that dude. The last time I tried to help someone, all I got was a ration of shit.”
No, no, no. I want one thing. When asked a question regarding what I may or may not need, I want my answer to be respected. Period. Nothing about changing society’s communication style, whatever the hell that means.
He didn’t offer. He didnt’ ask. He didn’t help. He intruded. He disrespected. He hindered. Clear? And to describe my words to him as a “ration of shit” is to mischaracterize them. I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t change my inflection in any way to sound combative, I spoke calmly and softly. Like I said, I’ve learned the hard way not to give any leeway for the opportunity to have my words and/or actions be marginalized as “angry wheelchair guy”. This focuses my problems inward, as if I am just unable to handle the fact of my disability and am taking it out on the world, rather than vocalizing a real problem with the world itself. Kind of like the “angry black woman” and instances where the black woman must be the one to take the “high road” lest she be marginalized as simply angry and hysterical.
I get it. It shouldn’t be that way. I don’t know what it’s like first hand, but I get frustrated or angry sometimes, because I have several friends who are disabled in various ways and I see how they get treated. Like I could not believe the time my friend Kath had someone say to her at an event, “I’m just going to hang my purse on the handle of your wheelchair while I go get some food.” Like she was a piece of furniture. All they see is the chair and not the person. This was not her mom or sister or some very close person who she might not have minded, but a very casual acquaintance. Or the time someone just started moving my friend David in his chair without asking him first. Instead of saying “you’re blocking the aisle, can you move over a bit?” (like one would say to an able person who was blocking the aisle), he was like “I’m just going to move you over here a bit” as if he were a small child.
Anyway, fully on your side with how the situation went down and how you reacted.
Oddly enough, I can add to this sentiment. While we didn’t expressly fight in this instance, I think the point here is the same.
The dynamic Ambivalid and I normally experience: I am normally seen as there to aid him, so when I am visible and near him, nothing out of the ordinary (to me) happens. No one really rushes to help, except maybe to open a door if they are in front of him (which people would do for me, an able-bodied person, so it doesn’t strike me as odd at all).
One time, though, stands out to me. We were going into the bookstore, and I was in front of him, my hand on the door I was holding open to let him grab as he came up to it. I generally open doors, let him grab them, and keep walking. (As I feel like I’m in the way. Anyways, minor detail.)
This particular day, a man of average height and build, middle-aged, came up and roughly ripped the door out of my hand and ushered me through, stating, “I got it for ya.” I stood, dumbfounded, and in my confusion, while trying not to make a scene, found myself saying, “O…kay…?” But I walked through and didn’t press the matter. Ambivalid also went through, without a word exchanged as the man firmly stood in place and ushered Ambivalid in as well before walking in behind us.
In this situation, I learned for the first time what the feeling is he speaks of when he speaks of having someone not letting him go through on his own. I found myself over the next 15 minutes growing more and more enraged as we sat with our coffees. I came up with strategies in which I would next time stand my ground and refuse to move, obstinate. In fact, I felt livid. Ambivalid, however, just shrugged and described how this was so commonplace an experience it wasn’t even notable.
It was the only time in which I experienced this, as this man had both some misogynistic and ableistic quality that was transferred towards both of us in the door-holding that time.
Just to lighten the mood a tad, I get it about the handles. That’s why I just cut those fuckers off. Don’t give em the opportunity. I am amazed at the level of understanding expressed in your posts. It is very heartening.
Ahh yes, I remember this incident. I only remember it because of your (she’s my gf) reaction to it lol. It’s a common occurrence for those who just barely lose out to me in the “race for the door” and as I am going thru it, they literally try to rip the door out of my hand, so they can hold it for me. In these instances, I just hold the door handle very tightly, making the person unable to rip it from me. I do this without even acknowledging it’s happening, going thru the door and on my way. I feel like this is a subtle (or not so subtle) way of sending a message.
I am amazed at the level of understanding expressed in your posts. It is very heartening.