Not like a chore, but something fun? What is it that makes someone want to do something?
For example, I wish that I wanted to go to the beach. I pay the taxes to live here, but I don’t have any desire to go. It’s a short bike ride away, or I could walk or drive (less than a mile), but I just don’t want to. I want to want to, but I don’t. This could apply to exercise, fishing, dancing, talking on the phone, going to a restaurant, or a theme park, etc.
I really don’t have anything that I want to do. I haven’t in a while. I would like to understand how it feels to actually want to do something, and do it! I’ve searched for hobbies, but just can’t find anything that I can say interests me. I’ve gone to CBT for nearly 3 years, and it is clear that I need to find something I enjoy. But I’m not even sure what that means. If it weren’t for beer and cigarettes, I’d never leave the house.
Am I missing something? A certain neurotransmitter maybe? What makes things fun?
Do you mean that you never do anything? Are you just parked in front of the TV or the nearest porn site, drinking yourself stupid? (If so: Hey, I’m not judging. I’ve spent many happy [del]hours [/del] [del]days[/del] [del]weeks[/del] [del]months[/del] years in similar style.)
Or do you do things, and the problem is that you never have any fun doing any of it? You say that you haven’t wanted to do things “in a while”. Did you use to enjoy some hobbies and activities, but you don’t anymore? Anhedonia is a common feature of depression.
Do you have a job? Do you enjoy that?
You don’t have to leave the house to have fun (I have an extreme indoor personality myself, and I think leaving the house is massively overrated). Have you tried learning to play an instrument? Do you read books? Do you at least play video games? *Everybody *enjoys video games.
A few years ago, shortly before I turned 30, I had this weird overwhelming urge to learn how to knit. I’m not entirely sure what was driving this urge, but I did learn and while I’m not the world’s best knitter, I do enjoy knitting which led me to crochet, which I also find highly enjoyable.
The only thing I look forward to doing is cooking, grilling or smoking. Everything else I do because I feel like I should make an effort to be social. Am I having fun yet? Fake it 'til you make it, right?
As an advocate for CBT, which has been very successful for me in some areas, I’m really curious what the goal of your CBT is? What particular behaviors or thoughts are you trying to change?
Have you read Learned Optimism? I know I recommend it all the time, but it’s classic CBT for people who don’t feel happy or hopeful about life.
Have you tried doing any of the things that you want to want to do? How do they make you feel? Or is it that you can’t get started at all?
What do you think would be the benefit of wanting to do something (as opposed to just doing it)?
Having fun and being social are not the same thing. I have tons of fun, and do all sorts of things that I enjoy. But I’m still struggling with being social.
I’ve wondered this, too. There are things that I want to do, and I think they’d be enjoyable, as well as fairly simple, but I just think about them and don’t do them. Case in point: I bought a nice bicycle a couple of years ago, I like bike riding, and I live in the prefect bike riding neighborhood (level, wide streets, low traffic). But my bike sits in the garage. I do not know what makes people do stuff.
The word you’re looking for is anhedonia. Which is one of the big signs of clinical depression. Bad news : you probably need to see a guy. Like a real medical guy, not a therapist. Good news : that guy will likely give you lots of happy pills.
Which likely won’t really help either but hey, if you’re going to be depressed, you might as well be high as a kite at the time, right ?
I do something because that makes me wanna do something. If the something isn’t to my liking, I’m still happy I tried and then I move on to the next thing. I am more of an indoor type myself though. But I don’t think I would be happy not enjoying doing things.
You could watch a movie, you could enroll in an online course about computer science, you could start a fossil collection, you coud browse around here… I’m just starting to grasp electronics, that’s something! Not so long ago I found out you can amplify an audio signal to a level where it shocks you, by making a feedback loop through tomatos! That’s somthing else.
I don’t think there’s a thing, I think it’s lots of different things that make you wanna do things, and the most important thing of all is all of the things you can spend your time doing. Thing thing.
There is a large portion of the clinically depressed that are treatment resistant, as many as 30%. Pharmaceuticals have no therapeutic effect, and can have many negative side effects. “High as a kite” is not a side effect generally associated with most anti-depressants.
For me it’s the just getting started part that’s hard.
For instance, I don’t want to clean my house. But once I get started, and good tunes are playing as I clean my house. I start to get into it. So much so, I almost become obsessive about it. I have to convince myself to stop.
You do sound depressed, OP. And I have been there. And I was helped out of my depression by talk therapy; no pills. Occasionally I relapse but my therapist taught me some things to do to get out of it and it works. Sometimes it takes a while, but it does work. So, maybe see a talk therapist? And a good one will refer you to a pill dispenser if he/she thinks you need it.
You guys are awesome :). I was starting to think I was crazy :).
Martian Bigfoot : I just don’t do much. I work from home, and I’m married so I get my husband to do everything possible outside of the house.
It’s a little harder with the kids, you have to do certain things, but I find as many ways possible to avoid them most. But I love my kids! I want to play with them! I want to have fun! I just really can’t, and don’t know how.
I don’t even know if I’m really depressed, I am just bored.
Fat2FitMama : I actually somewhat enjoy knitting, but I get very irritable if anyone interrupts me, for days at a time.
SpoilerVirgin ; I have asked about goals. I have suggested exercize, and I did try today by getting outside in the yard and garage to straighten up. Actually, that did make me feel a little better and a little more like doing more
Plumpudding : you are great tomatoes:)
Fear Itself : I’ve been on many antidepressants since the early 90’s, but mostly side effects and “discontinuation syndrome” when I stop.
You guys are great! I knew about agoriphobia, but not anhedoria. Thanks
Just so you know, last year I came out of a fairly heavy depression also involving alcohol abuse. I realised I had to do something, give a try at finding something I like to do and actually do it.
For me, the problem was always that I had free time, or ideas/ambitions, but seldom at the same time.
Make lists. Lists of things you think sound interesting; things you’re curious to know; things you woukd like otger people to be impressed, amused, confused by.
Then when you have some free time, pick something off a list, get off your ass and go do it. You have to make yourself start. The reward comes at the end - you cant have it at the beginning, so don’t expect that.
My guess-- if not depression, you’re probably being overstimulated socially at work, school, etc. to the point where you don’t want to do much in your free time aside from be in your own head.
To answer the question, I typically only “want to do things” spontaneously. The more advanced notice I have regarding fun time, the more I talk myself into flaking out of the situation.
For example, if a friend were to message me right now: hey lets grab a drink. I’d probably go.
If they were to message me and ask me if I want to go tomorrow. I’d say maybe, and most likely not go.
Like, I struggle with small talk because I never know what to say that doesn’t make me sound like a complete idiot. I’m one of those rare people who enjoy talking about the weather, but not everyone wants to participate in that topic.
So activities kind of give me something to talk about. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, depending on who they are, I can tell them I went shopping, that I saw a movie, that I went for a long hike, that I baked a cake, that I sold some artwork, etc. I suppose I can lie about having done these things, but I’m not a good liar.
Besides small talk fodder, another concrete goal I look for is does the activity provide enrichment? I am not a fun-loving type of person, so “fun” would never be a goal of mine. But I do like learning new things or challenging myself physically so that I’m stronger. I don’t really enjoy cooking and baking (though I do love to eat). But whenever I learn how to cook or bake something new, I feel like I’m one more step away from being a person who doesn’t like to cook or bake. Maybe one day I could become a person who does love to cook or bake and actually be good at it. This kind of relates to the first point, too. Developing a skill makes you interesting. I like interesting people, and I’ve always wanted to be one.
jujuju, when I read the OP, I was for some reason picturing a lonely male basement-dweller, stuck in front of a screen. But if you have work, a husband and kids… well, I would imagine that you’re busy enough. If I was in that situation (I’ve avoided the spouse and kids, which for me is a good thing), I’d imagine that I’d just be tired.
FWIW, I also don’t like doing any of the things you mention in the OP. The beach? Never go there, don’t see the point. Restaurants? Can’t stand them, they just seem like a terribly over-complicated solution to the basic problem of feeding myself. Exercise? This I have done at times (obsessively, for a while), but at the moment, I’m too lazy. Fishing, dancing, theme parks… just no. Talking on the phone? I’m not a fan.
I never go to bars, and I don’t socialize much even on a good day. Leave me alone with a book, please. Or, if I’m in the mood, with my guitar.
BTW, do you ever travel? I think that’s my favorite way of doing something that doesn’t actually involve doing much of anything. I’m the most boring travel companion in the world, though, to the point where I usually prefer traveling alone (which lets me be boring on my own without it bothering anyone). I go to to museums or look at some old ruins (one benefit of living in Europe, there’s always interesting stuff relatively nearby), and go for walks. No drinking, shopping or any of the things that people insist on doing when on holiday. But it’s still a great way to escape your familiar surroundings and get some fresh stimuli. Staying at home in the same old town gets boring, and you do run out of reasons to leave the house. Or at least I do.
