Here is a phrase I hope never to hear addressed to me in my lifetime, by anyone. Particularly not by a stranger in a public restroom.
Always eager to try something new I tried this, the frigging goose pecked my nads and then goosed me
Being female, I wipe front to back. The process is as follows:
- after BM is complete, enough TP is rolled off to form a cushion no less than 1/2" thick when rolled around my hand. I never wad, I make the cushion by rolling the paper around my hand – this is to be sure the wad is larger than my hand, thereby lowering the odds of BM to hand contamination.
- lean back slightly
- wipe front area from front to back stopping before the taint. No chance of cross-contamination for me, thanks!
- discard TP cushion to bowl
- make new TP cushion
- lean forward far enough to spread cheeks nicely
- wipe bottom to top (front to back, as it were) with enough pressure to well…more pressure than is needed, I am sure
- inspect TP cushion to be sure that no BM is close enough to the edges to have touched my hand, discard in bowl
- make new cushion, repeat wiping process ad infinitim or until the inspected cushion is as white after wiping as it was before.
- replace clothing
- flush with foot
- wash hands rigorously
Yes, I am a bit anal (bad pun intended) and yes, I do shave the crack of my arse, to be sure there is no hair to keep things. When I was MO (morbidly obese) my biggest fear was getting too fat to maintain proper anal hygiene. You would not believe how limber I am (and was, even at 300+lbs!) because I refused to ever have to use a ladle or other implement to help clean myself.
Both of my kids were taught the same method, but my son prefers wadding to wrapping his tissue and my daughter prefers folding. Yeh, we go through a lot of TP with the “tp must be same colour after wiping as before” rule but we all have nice, clean booties.
My husband uses baby wipes. But he has some issues related to his GWS.
I am a folder, or at least I roll it around my hand a few times and then crease flat - same net result. I grab my sack with my left hand and pull all my junk up and pin it against my abdomen.
I take the TP in my right hand and stick it down between my legs in front. I wipe from the back towards my sack. I try to use a dab/blot/wipe motion like you might use if you are trying to get a stain out of the carpet… this also serves to not spread it around more than necessary. Then I fold the TP in half and repeat. I should be able to get five wipe/fold repetitions out of one piece of TP, but I have to be careful near the end when it gets folded small.
When the TP is coming back almost clean, I try to relax my hole as much as possible and really try to wipe/dab/blot right up in there as much as possible with my middle finger. I do that until the TP comes back 100% clean.
I think my method is superior to anyone elses. I use very little paper while acheiving a very neat and tidy clean. And I can’t understand all this leaning and reaching around the long way (for guys at least… I understand there are medical reasons for women). Through the legs in the front is much shorter and direct route without the acrobatics.
OK, ever since the Sheryl Crow brouhaha started, I’ve been dying to share this with someone, but I have too much respect for my co-workers’ sensibilities. You guys asked for this:
When I was in Army boot camp, we were barraged with instructions of how to live in the field, and especially how to wring maximum personal hygiene out of minimum resources. At the end of one such session, one of the drill sergeants stepped up and told us we were going to learn how to take a dump in a field latrine. After using overhead illustrations showing what the various field latrines look like and how to use them, he had the other DIs pass out single sheets of TP.
“When you wipe,” he said, “you first fold your single sheet of toilet paper in fourths. You then tear off a one-quarter inch quarter-circle from the inside folded corner.” We all dutifully folded the squares and tore off the corner. “Keep this torn-off piece, as you will need it later.” The torn pieces went into our pockets. “Now, unfold the sheet of toilet paper, you will see it has a hole in the center. Stick the index finger of your wiping hand throug this hole.” We did. “Now, use your extended finger to remove the excess waste material from your anal region.” Some of us were starting to catch on, and with stupid grins, we all pantomimed wiping ourselves with our fingers. “Now bring the sheet of paper up over your finger and, holding it tightly against the finger of your wiping hand, pull it upward, removing the waste material from your finger. Now discard the paper in the latrine.” By now we were laughing too hard even mime the action, and the other DI’s were chuckling along wth us. With a perfectly straight face, the instructor finished: “Now retrieve the small piece of paper from your pocket, and use the sharp corner of it to clean any waste material that may be under the fingernail of your wiping finger. Discard this paper, and be sure to wash your hands first chance you get. Any questions?” There were no questions. “Dismissed for chow.”
Of all the things I learned in boot camp, that is the one I remember 30 years later. No, I’ve never actually tried it.
Auto, your posts are a joy to read, as always. This gave me a visual that still has me in fits of laughter.
I use those pre-moistened disposable towel wipes (yes, baby wipes). Makes things go a lot faster than scrubbing away at my bum with bathroom tissue. Front to back, a few strategic wipes, and all clear.
That must have been you in the stall next to me yesterday… sounded like Homer fucking Formby sandpapering a knothole.
Dude ~ we all know what you use the ladle for
McNew described the method I use.
To all of you hosers (or squirts), what do you do in places without water assistance? I mean, not every office, public restroom or gas station lavatory is going to have a bidet, shower massage or garden hose available. Do you carry sports bottles with you? Squirt guns?
I tried hosing myself off once and hated the feeling of squishy-ass.
This thread reminds me of the morning that Mr. Bear emerged from his den after a long winter of hibernation and needed to take a serious dump. He spotted Mr. Rabbit engaged in the same sort of business and squatted next to him.
“Good mornin’ Mr. Bear. Enjoy your nap?” asked the rabbit.
“Sure did, thank you,” replied the bear.
“Mr. Rabbit, I’ve always wondered, does poop stick to your fur?” inquired the bear.
“Why no, it doesn’t,” said the rabbit.
“Good,” said the bear, and he grabbed the bunny and used him to wipe his butt.
Trying to picture this, and a glance at your username, sort of made me retch a little bit.
I always do it while seated. And back to front. I’ve never had a problem with avoiding other important organs.
My lord I can’t believe the stuff I’ve posted to on this board.
Seems like my method is widely adopted with variations of rub and dump in the minority.
The frontal approach that StinkyBurrito mentions is novel. By the sound of it it does seem effective. Although I can’t say I spend alot of time bent double, I’m inclined to be less likely to do it after a bowel movement.
Which brings into question of ‘angels’ or in proper usage an ‘angel dump’.
One can argue if you have a healthy balanced diet then your stool will be surrounded in enough fugel to require only a modest wipe to clear brown water.
Very few can claim to have this kind of diet, else Sheryl Crow’s point holds water.
An ‘angel’ does require a balanced intake, its frequency in my life I can probably count on one hand - due to my very unbalanced diet.
The question is also a little biased to those that use conventional throated toilets as opposed to the old pan style in Germany.
The criteria for an ‘angel’ is quite simple.
You go for a number two, feel a release, maybe a water plop backsplash.
Then nothing … maybe a touch of brown under the waterline against the water line, the bowl is clear.
The ‘angel’ however has scooted right up into the U-bend with zero flush assistance.
The tissue paper reveals very little and it’s almost like nothing has happened.
In my personal experience of the ‘angel’ phenomenon there is a little dull ache following release … but it feels comforting.
To this end I can only surmise the ‘angel’ is of some considerable size and density to not only plow down into the water but also have the impetus to push on through under the U.
How often do you guys experience the ‘Angel Dump’ phenomenon.
I’ve been a folder ever since I was a kid and due to crumpling I got a torn strip of paper kind stuck in my crack. Freaked me out because I didn’t know how to get it off of me without … um… contamination… And more wiping just exacerbated the problem. It was traumatic! Traumatic, I tell you!
I love a bidet, but I make due with wet-wipes. I have no children, but I got me a big box of Huggies wet wipes.
If I’m understanding you right, that happened to me once. I passed what felt like a small sequoia but upon later inspection saw nothing but an empty bowl and found no, um, residue when cleansing myself.
Was damn near certain I had hallucinated.
In reference to the “angel” issue. I often have stools that come out without leaving any residual uhmmm…nastiness on or around my anus. I have never had them disappear, though. I always appreciate those movements, as it requires less TP. I don’t know that it requires a more balanced diet, as it generally happens to me when I am eating a much stricter diet – high protein, low carb, low fiber. I normally try to have a well-balanced diet, as I need the carbs to offset the gout issues and well, I just do not like hard poops!
Well, usually I try to hold it in until I reach a friendly port (i.e. home) but if I can’t and have to use restroom without a hose, then I’ll have to do the unthinkable and wipe. I don’t have a preferred method since I don’t wipe usually. Just do the best I can, clean my hands vigorously, go back home and wash my bum again and again until satisfied.
However, look at my location. Most public restrooms here have at least one if not more cubicle with a nozzle since most of the population uses the water method.
When I went backpacking in Europe I brought two used 1.5 litre Coke bottles to the toilet. Although some of the campsites in Europe do have bidets in their restrooms, which was nice.
You know, I’m sure you thought you were joking, but…
Does everybody uses his right hand to wipe?
I have always been taught to use my left hand, as your righthand is the one you shake peoples hands with.
Yeah, I know, you could just wash your hands (which I always do after pooping), but it is pretty much engrained that you should use your left hand.
I had the same discussion a few weeks back and he looked at me like I was crazy.
Has anybody else been trained to wipe with their left hand?
I’ve always understood that the left hand is the “classic” hand, because the right hand is used for eating out of the communal bowl, and for greeting. And I imagine not everybody washed as fully as today (and even today, some people don’t).
I’ve never seen any of this corroborated, by the way, by old written sources. It seems logical, though.
I suspect that a lot of modern Americans are very right-hand-dependant, and use the right, rather than the left. I wonder if this sort of thing is getting us in diplomatic trouble overseas?
–CalMeacham, who diplomatically doesn’t indicate which, if any, hand he uses.