How do you wipe YOUR bum?

[Slypork]

@DataZak

Well, usually I try to hold it in until I reach a friendly port (i.e. home) but if I can’t and have to use restroom without a hose, then I’ll have to do the unthinkable and wipe. I don’t have a preferred method since I don’t wipe usually. Just do the best I can, clean my hands vigorously, go back home and wash my bum again and again until satisfied.

However, look at my location. Most public restrooms here have at least one if not more cubicle with a nozzle since most of the population uses the water method.

When I went backpacking in Europe I brought two used 1.5 litre Coke bottles to the toilet. Although some of the campsites in Europe do have bidets in their restrooms, which was nice.

My travels have been limited to Europe so I am not familiar with Asian facilities except what has been mentioned in the threads here about holes in the floor :eek:. Thanks for the clarification.

What about the rest of you bidet users and other squirts? Do you try to hold it in till you get to a fountain or do you tough it out with TP? Do you go camping? Enquiring hinds… er, minds want to know!

[aerodave]

I really didn’t want to get my name attached to this thread. But StinkyBurrito’s description is so ridiculously close to my method that I just had to say so. I consider the repeated folding and reuse to be a highly efficient approach. And for those who may wonder, it’s very easy to do without risk of touching any brown.

To hear some in this thread talk, they must be using most of a roll every time they dump. Half an inch thickness surrounding your entire hand?! And repeated several times? That’s got to be tens of linear feet of paper per BM…that’s even crazier than Sheryl Crow’s joke.

[kelly5078]

1. Take 2 to 3 sheets TP, fold so have square
2. Lean to left
3. Dab (with some pressure); don’t wipe
4. Since I get plenty of fiber, I usually only need 1 pass.

[chowder]

I was in Spain at an outdoor market and I had the trots.
The ONLY toilet consisted of a hole in the ground, 2 grab handles and a door which was hanging off its hinges.

I positioned myself over hole, gripped handles and let go, aaaaaahhhhh the relief

Looked around for some toilet paper…egad! none.

However there was a waste bin in the corner full of newspaper, wet newspaper…I had no choice, there I was wiping my nethers on the soggy mess while clinging on to one grab handle…what a fucking fiasco. To cap it all, during this experience people were trying to get in the toilet and I’m screaming “NO” whilst trying to keep the door shut.

Anyways I did my best, still felt absolutely…erm…shitty so went back to hotel for proper wash and brush up. Next time we went to the market I made certain a couple of rolls of Andrex went along with us.

THAT WAS HORROR STORY ONE…now read on.

Again in Spain, Benidorm, and again I’ve got the trots but this time I’m on the beach with my son who was 11 at the time.
Nearest toilet is about 300 yards away across the beach and over the road, I never would have made it.
So I started to wade into the sea which in Benidorm means you have to wade out about 150 yards before the sea covers your waist. I made it and let go while splashing furiously to disguise any thingies.

Now then, I 'm wearing a pair of white shorts so I waved to my son to come towards me, he does and I stop him before he gets to close, I tell him what I’ve had to do and ask him if there is any residue on the back of my shorts, I turn round and he says “No dad, your fine”

Still feeling mucky I wade out, walk across the beach and down the road to the hotel for a shower.
Gets into hotel room,strips off and there is a bloody great skid mark on my shorts which all of Benidorm had seen.
“You little bugger” I say to sprog, “Hey dad you’d have done the same if it was me” he replied.

Touche.

That is all

[Bearflag70]

I read this somewhere…

1. Take ONE square of TP;

2. Poke your index finger through the center of the square;

3. Wipe with that finger, leaving the clean TP square at the base of the finger; and

4. Pull the TP square tightly off the finger, cleaning the junk off the finger as the square is removed.

[DudleyGarrett]

@Bearflag70

I read this somewhere…

1. Take ONE square of TP;

2. Poke your index finger through the center of the square;

3. Wipe with that finger, leaving the clean TP square at the base of the finger; and

4. Pull the TP square tightly off the finger, cleaning the junk off the finger as the square is removed.

So. Fucking. Wrong.

[Troy_McClure_SF]

Re-folding? Nuh-uh. I don’t like handling sullied TP in the small amounts I do; I’m sure as hell not going to play some kind of Russian Roulette origami when there is other business at hand.

I tear off about two feet of TP, clump up, roll left, wipe right, back to front a few times, then front to back, and switch off as necessary. I like to attack from both angles. If handy, I like to use baby wipes at the end to feel extra clean, though it’s reserved as a rare treat, as my roommates give me- pardon the pun- shit about it.

[betenoir]

@CalMeacham

I’ve always understood that the left hand is the “classic” hand, because the right hand is used for eating out of the communal bowl, and for greeting. And I imagine not everybody washed as fully as today (and even today, some people don’t).

I’ve heard this to and it’s blantent righthandedism. Help, help, I’m being oppressed!

[jackdavinci]

I suspect diet plays a role as some poo will come out with virtually no smear and some will spread and stick.

I get a good was of toilet paper and wipe front to back. If it’s made a bigger mess coming out then I’ll alternate, always front to back, between middle, inside left cheek, inside right cheek, back to middle, etc. If it’s horribly messy, I may stretch my arm out to the sink and wet a clean wad of toilet paper for extra cleaning power. In worst case scenarios I have rarely showered after pooing.