Back when my parents were still alive, they met my husband’s parents exactly once. All of us spent several hours together, and everyone had a great time. I think they corresponded a few times, but 500 miles is too big a distance for much of a relationship. Plus, my father’s Alzheimer’s was beginning to kick in around that time.
This is what I’m having difficulty understanding - I completely understand the parents and in-laws who live in the same town but don’t see each other unless the kids are visiting, but I’m having a bit of trouble understanding the people who’ve been married for a long time and whose parents and in-laws rarely saw each other unless the couple was estranged from one family or had some other weirdness going on*. I assume there must have been no shared grandchildren (or else they would have seen each other at birthdays and graduations.) . I almost feel like it would be easier for them not to interact on other occasions if everyone is the same area - after all, I can spend Thanksgiving afternoon with my family and then join my in-laws for turkey at 6pm if we’re all in the same town. If we’re living in three different places , I’d rather have invited both sets to my house rather than taking turns.( the success of this will of course depend on family size)
- My mother’s parents and my father’s probably didn’t see each other more than ten times in 25 years - and my parents and both sets of grandparents lived within walking distance of each other a square mile. But my grandmother was extremely weird- as in she would invite my father over for a birthday dinner, and specifically disinvite ( " I’m only making enough for you") my mother and us grandchildren.
My parents me my in-laws at the wedding and never again. They would have loved my wife’s father and step-mother, as did I. Her mother was okay, I guess, but her step-father was, well maybe loathsome is too strong, but I never liked him and I think my parents wouldn’t have either.
With one exception, I met my children’s in-laws only one and I don’t miss them. The exception is my DIL’s mother who lives with my son and DIL and is their nanny. She is a delight. Unfortunately, she has taken to going off to visit friends when we come in order to simplify our sleeping arrangements. If she is there, we are relegated to a third floor with no bathroom. But it means we don’t see her. Life is a tradeoff.
My dad and FiL worked at the same place for over 15 years before I met my wife. I do not know if the FiL met my mom when she worked there a few years before she died. 3 of the four have now passed so I do not know if they get along or even if they went in the same direction.
[quote=“doreen, post:22, topic:848847”]
This is what I’m having difficulty understanding - I completely understand the parents and in-laws who live in the same town but don’t see each other unless the kids are visiting, but I’m having a bit of trouble understanding the people who’ve been married for a long time and whose parents and in-laws rarely saw each other unless the couple was estranged from one family or had some other weirdness going on*. I assume there must have been no shared grandchildren (or else they would have seen each other at birthdays and graduations.) .
That’s a good point – my wife and I never had children, so there were no visits with grandchildren to be had.
My parents have only come down here to visit us a handful of times in the 27 years we’ve been married – even when they were younger, and driving a few hours was easier for them, they just didn’t come south to Illinois often.
And, frankly, while my father-in-law was an awesome person, as is my stepfather-in-law, my mother-in-law is kind of a handful to deal with, and she doesn’t get along well with many people, to start with. So, even if my parents and my mother-in-law had interacted more in the years immediately following our wedding, that might not have lasted, as my mother might well have decided that my MIL was just not much fun to spend time with.
My ex-wife’s parents and my mother really liked each other. Enough so that they went over with my ex-wife after the divorce to visit her.
My current in-laws have never met my mother and will never meet. They don’t speak English so they wouldn’t be able to talk even if they met.
Actually, my MIL and I don’t get along very well, either. She needs to be at the center of the universe which gets tiring to deal with her. My wife avoids telling her many things so she doesn’t have to deal with her upset mother.
According to my count, they’ve met exactly 4 times:
[ol]
[li]Once for dinner out after we had gotten engaged.[/li][li]Once for dinner at my parent’s house just prior to the wedding.[/li][li]Our wedding.[/li][li]Every Christmas one of my aunts has a big dinner out for the family and my MIL was in town and came last year (my FIL passed away a couple of years ago).[/li][/ol]
They seemed to get along at every occasion, granted these were spread out over 7 years, and they politely ask about each other whenever I see them, but there’s really not much impetus on either party’s side to have any more of a relationship than they do, and there probably never will be. Certainly doesn’t help that my MIL lives 600 some miles away in Indiana and we don’t have any children, and never will. My brother gave my parents the grandchildren, and they see his in-laws all the time.
Like others, my in-laws and parents got along fine on the few occasions they met. It was just a social call, to officially meet, with no expectations of beginning a friendship. Now both my in-laws are dead.
They get along with my siblings’ in-laws, at least the ones who are alive, as well as the in-laws of the various grandchildren/nieces/nephews/etc.
“God picks your relatives, you pick your friends”. You don’t have to like someone, you just have to be polite. Also the attitude I adopted towards several of my in-laws. Sure, it is a superficial relationship - possibly even hypocritical to some extent. but hypocrisy is better than open warfare.
I like some of my in-laws very much. Others, not so much. But when visiting (some of) my wife’s family, it is more for her benefit than mine. Smile politely, nod noncommittally, talk about superficial subjects, and don’t do anything that would interfere with my wife’s relationship with her family. Even the jerk.
I have a lifetime of observing my mother managing social events with a steel hand in a velvet glove - politely ignoring things you don’t want spoken, adroitly distracting when topics get heated, genially managing things when Uncle Drunk starts off on his pet topic for the hundredth time, interspersed with the occasional saber-tooth tiger glare and a firm “let’s move on to more pleasant topics”.
Regards,
Shodan