A. The amount of information that can be passed through a communications channel (i.e., an internet connection) at a certain time.
B. The length of your mouse cord times the amount of “gig” in your hard drive
C. That stuff they have in the cafeteria sometimes
What kind of connection does the school have?
A. A DS3 line with about 1500 ports that comprise all the computers on campus that have Internet access.
B. Ethernet. There’z two hookups in each room.
C. Internet! Woo, I knew that one!
What sucks up bandwidth like a French prostitute slurping ice cream off an engorged, throbbing cock?
A. The biggest culprit is personal servers in one’s own computer.
B. Pervo the Roomie downloading full-length porn movies! CUT IT OUT, YOU WANKER!
C. Dude… so there’s this hooker, right? And there’s ice cream?
Why do we have a monthly bandwidth transfer limit?
A. Because bandwidth occurs in finite amounts, we all have to share space on this network, and doing research for an essay or sending and receiving official email takes precedent over reading back issues of Cliff Yablonski Hates You.
B. So people won’t download over 10 full-length movies while they’re in class and gunk up the connection for the rest of us.
C. Because ALL the PEOPLE in ITS are COMMIES!!!
What can cause an internet connection to go down?
A. A number of things, really…
B. Fuckers eating bandwidth.
C. THE INTERNET IS BROKEN!! AAAHHH! GET IT BACK UP! GET IT BACK UP!!!
Score your answers:
Mostly A’s: Congratulations! You know how the school’s internet connection works!
Mostly B’s: You need to put down the steak knife.
Mostly C’s: STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER. AND QUIT OVERLOADING AND STRESSING OUT THE NETWORK!!
Huh? I thought it was like: D. That chick from Heart vs. Iggy Pop.
But, seriously, my school just sent us all an e-mail saying they won’t let anyone run Kazaa on campus computers anymore. I always wondered why the campus network sucked so hard.
Oh boy I could tell you campus bandwidth stories. Here’s my favorite.
For 10 years, our local Art Department had consistently refused to install a computer lab, and over a decade had declined over 2 million dollars in student computer fees. The head of the dept was an arts purist and didn’t want computer graphics, he just wanted to focus on printmaking, painting, and drawing. Finally they caved in to student pressure and put in a $250,000 computer lab.
But the Art campus was across a river and there were no broadband internet connections on that side of the river. The Art campus was right across the river from the old student union, connected by a footbridge. Some bright person got the idea to just string a coax cable under the footbridge, over to the student union which had plenty of bandwidth and connectivity. It would be just a single cable, but enough to get by for now.
Alas, the budget for the cable run was over a certain dollar figure, and triggered a clause that required the footbridge over the river to be repaired and brought into compliance with handicapped access regulations. This would be tricky because it was the main pedestrian route over to the arts campus, and putting it out of service would be a major inconvenience. And the bridge was built in 1910, it was ancient and had tricky steps that would be difficult to adapt. It was decided that the bridge would be rebuilt over summer break, when traffic was low.
Well, of course the whole project turned to shit. The more they worked, the more problems with the bridge appeared. The entire bridge surface was corroded and they had to replace the entire deck. When they poured the concrete pylons to support the wheelchair ramps, someone mismeasured and they built the 4x4 foot solid concrete pylons 3 feet from the correct position, and they had to demolish them with jackhammers (it took weeks). Etcetera etc. Summer turned to fall, then winter, the project took a full year instead of the original 3 months estimated. The whole project was one big disastrous cost overrun. Final tab for the bridge: $1.2million.
Now the punchline: the construction budget was so depleted from the bridge repair, they didn’t have money to string the cable. They had to wait for next year’s budget and then they could afford it.
I think he mistook me for one of those East Appleton shitfuckers who mess around in his hedges, so he kicked me in the nuts and stole my Saws-all. I woke up hugging the bowl in the restroom at the Citgo, with a chipped tooth and a cherished memory. It was great!
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James owns a boat he “got” from the military surplus store. weve been fixing up this bastard hunk of shit for the past 4 years, so we decides its time to throw the fucker into the water and take her out for a test drive. well we tow the bitch out to the river and back it up, and next thing you know, the goddamn boat sinks straight down to the bottom of the goddamn river. now I wouldnt of given a rats ass, except the boat was already loaded up with four bottles of JD and enough vodka to choke a camel.
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Then I have no sympathy for the bastard. That’s just plain alcohol abuse.