I live across the street from Lexington’s foremost music venue, Lynagh’s. In the two years I have lived here, the crowd coming out of the bar at 1:00 AM nearly every day has never bothered me.
However, a man with a saxophone has decided to play street musician to the patrons coming and going every night. He starts at about 10:00, and plays straight through until about 1:30.
I like the sax, and would love to let his smooth jazz stylings lull me to sleep–except that his repertoire (sp?) consists mainly of fucking TV show themes. “The Flintstones”, “The Simpsons”, “The Andy Griffith Show”, and a few others I can’t place exactly. (He’s not very good.) He also throws in “On Broadway” and “The Pink Panther”, for a total of about eight songs, over and fucking over.
I’ve neither time nor vitriol for a proper rant at this point, although I may if I’m still awake after 1:00. I have to be at the hospital at the ass crack of dawn, which means I need to get to sleep at a decent hour, which is difficult with Fuckstick out there making Coltrane roll over in his grave. How can I stop it? Would I be justified in calling the cops to shut him down? (I’m sure there’s some sort of noise law they could cite.) I hate to do that, as I’m supportive of street musicians in general–just not bad ones outside my window for 3 1/2 hours every damn night. Should I call Lynagh’s? Should I just go talk to the guy?
Try talking to the guy. Would you be okay with him knocking off at 11pm, and would he be okay with that, too?
If not…
Go to a second-hand music store and buy him a variety of sheet music. If he can’t get better, maybe he can get less tedious. Tell him if he does the same song more than twice in a shift, you have a Mauser with a 'scope.
Or…
Yes, you’re justified to call the cops.
Or…
Tell Lynagh’s you’ve seen him scare customers away.
If you DO decide to find out, call it “medical research” and claim that you must remain free to publish your results. I, for one, am breathlessly awaiting the outcome.
Lynn
Who appreciates good music and musicians but wishes that people would learn to judge themselves.
A soprano sax will go considerably farther into a rectum than an alto sax, which will go farther than a tenor sax, which will go farther than a baritone sax, which will go farther than a bass sax.
Also, most soprano saxes are straight, rather than curved, which makes insertion a good deal easier. Of course, a curved soprano sax will still make more headway than the lower-keyed, hence larger varieties.
As to the OP, DoctorJ, it sounds like you have been remarkably patient (yuk yuk) thus far. One hates to discourage musicians, but there is a proper arena for everything. If you are in an area that experiences cold winters, maybe his fingers will freeze to the keys some night and you can practice your frostbite treatment skills. Or maybe he’ll be too cold to keep playing in the winter.
there was this one time, at band camp…
aw, cmon! someone had to say it!
buy him some sheet music, say, Cavantina (the theme from the deer hunter), or maybe some Roger & Hammerstein. That always translates well to a saxaphone.
but whatever you dao, stay away from “Love on the Rocks” by Neil Diamond. After all, you do want to sleep.
Well, Doc, report back with your findings, willya? I think this information will come in handy if I ever get on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Regis: How far up a man’s ass will a saxophone go?
a) Depends on the saxophone
b) Depends on the ass
c) 8 inches
d) [actual findings of DoctorJ’s experiment]
The answer basically depends on which end you stick up the ass first. If you go bell end, you’re not going to get penetration, let’s be honest.
If you start with the mouthpiece, you’ve got a chance! I don’t know how long the human colon is, but the mouthpiece can be a good 8 inches (and it curves!). Once you start getting to the buttons, however, there’s going to be a lot of tearing and blood. I would hate to lose a saxophone like that.
I hesitate to call this turkey a “sax” player since he only plays TV tunes. That’s so lame. The worst thing you could say to him is “be a real musician, learn some MUSIC” or something like that.
Seriously, he might have a huge ego and not realize that he’s disturbing anyone; some musicians think everyone wants to hear them play. Go talk to the guy or the club, - it’s totally unreasonable to be playing on the street at that hour.
Oh, I don’t know if you’d necessarily have to LOSE it…a little soap and water and Lysol, a simple re-alignment of the mechanism, and it should be good as new!
I have to echo agisofia, though. If you can convince the guy to switch to soprano sax, you’ll have a much easier time of it: one good strong SHOVE with your right arm as you hold him by the collar with your left hand. None of that tricky getting-around-the-corners maneuvering you’d have to do with a curved saxophone.
If he doubles on flute, you’re home free! Might not even need the lubricant.
Hey! I used to live right around the corner from Lynagh’s!
[Homer] MMMMMM… O-Round and a Bass [/Homer]
I say call the cops on the chump if he’s playing sax on the street after midnight. I appreciate music as much as the next guy, but it’s not even really a question of how good he is. Some people are music lovers, some folks are sleep lovers. Forcing your music on the world is just downright inconsiderate.
Amazing, when I read the title, my first thought was “That goddamned asshole blaring The Flintstones outside the Wrigley Field bleachers where I used to work has finally moved!”
These bastards (along with Ronnie WooWoo who will have his own level in hell), would wail and caterwaul incessantly from the 5th inning on. Once when they were doing some horrid back and forth (there were several of them) a patron dumped a beer on the drummer against the wall.
We put him behind home plate.
I’m shocked Ukulele Ike and Saxface! If you want full insertion you must go to the top register saxophone. That would be a straight sopranino sax (smaller than some porno dicks). As to how to get it there I leave you with the immortal solution to almost everything:
“Get it up to forty miles an hour and it’ll fit just fine.”
